What is Your Wife’s Name?

jgreen · August 18

I’ve been dreading this day and it finally came - DH not knowing me! I thought I was prepared after reading what so many of you have already experienced, but that question hit me hard! I was speechless and caught by surprise. But I managed to take a deep breath, look DH in the eyes and stroke his cheek while I replied “My husband’s name is _____”. When he heard his name DH smiled and seemed pleased. So I guess I handled it okay.

On reflection, I think he was trying to ask “Are you my wife? What is your name?” So another grim milestone passed. At least I am his ‘safe’ person and one who cares about him. I will have to hang on to that.

I’m going to stop here because the tears are starting up again. Thanks for listening!

annie51 · August 18

This is a gut wrenching thing and I’m so sorry you’ve had to face this. I will say that there were a few occasional times where my DH asked “are we married” or “are you my wife” but they were only isolated incidents. It did give me the gut punch though. Most of the time he seemed to know me and not ask questions about who I was, although I’ll never know if he knew I was his wife. But he knew me as his person. That was enough for me. Hopefully for you this was a one time thing. Sending a big hug 🫂 and again so sorry you’re at this stage.

blacksparky · August 18

I had to accept the same thing from my DW about a year ago. It seemed like it hit overnight. One day she knew me as her husband and when we were married and anniversary dates along with birthdays. Then all of a sudden it was all wiped out of her memory. I really took it hard and cried a lot. When I finally was able to come to the new reality, it was a big relief. I had crossed over the bridge of loving husband to now the caregiver of a person that needed me as her trusted person. Caregiving actually got easier because there was no longer the emotional side of it. Oh I do still get emotional but not as much as before. My job was now to be the best caregiver in the world.

wose · August 19

I’m so sorry, it is quite a jarring experience. I think I’m straddling the middle. Sometimes he doesn’t know me and that’s become a little more frequent. A couple hours ago he asked where the kids are. We don’t have children together. I was caught off guard and said I’m not sure. He then accused me of being a terrible mother. I know I posted about this a few weeks ago, but when he looked me in the eye and asked “where’s rose “ I had to turn away. He then called me on the phone and left me a message… all with me sitting right in front of him. It was really weird. I know this sounds harsh but I’m kind of wondering if it would be better for both of us if he no longer knew who I was. Like @blacksparky said, if could be a big relief and maybe easier on the caregiver. I know you’re not there yet and this milestone is so very painful. I too am sending you hugs and we are here and understand💙

Biggles · August 19

it is gut wrenching especially the first time. I wept buckets when my DH first asked “what’s your name”. It still really upsets me it doesn’t always happen, but I have learnt how to process and answer. Quite simply I hold his hands and look into his eyes and say my name and we’ve been married for 56 years and I love you very much. He always looks so pleased and I think relieved.
Here’s a story from a two days ago, I was preparing breakfast DH was outside with our Schnoodle I did hear some noises then I heard my name being bellowed from the bottom of the garden. I rushed outside all was fine he thought someone was coming in from next door (we have a 6’ fence all around) but I was overjoyed that he could shout my name in time of need. He has aphasia so speaks mainly word salad. Small joy, dam more tears.

Dizzy · August 19

My DW thinks that there’s three or more in our relationship (55 years married)

She often asks me where’s Davey (me) or who’s or where’s your missus.

Her late mum and sister are always somewhere in the house in the evening time. Sometimes I'm ushered close to her so the others can get into bed with us.

That's the child is her I'm sure. She's still lucid when telling me.

It's hard but I'm keeping her home with me for as long as it takes.

jgreen · August 19

Dear @annie51 @blacksparky @wose @Biggles and @Dizzy

Thank you for your kind words and stories. You all mean so much to me. We ARE going to get through this.

Hugs to each of you 💝 💝 💝 💝 💝

BPS · August 19

My wife is in MC and most of the time I don't know if she knows who I am when I walk in and say hi she smiles but when anybody walks in and says hi she smiles. I am sure she knows I am her husband sometimes by what she says but other times I just don't know. She never calls me by name except once a couple of weeks ago she tried and couldn't think of it so she called me bubba. I have no idea where that came from.

White Crane · August 19

My husband hasn't know my name in a few years. He still knows I'm his wife…most of the time but not my name. Once in a while he thinks I'm his sister and sometimes he goes back and forth between knowing I'm his wife and then thinking I'm his sister. I've gotten used to it by now but the first time it really hurt.

alifre · August 19

Jgreen,

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My husband forgot who I am about a year ago. The first time I realized what was happening it was devastating to me. We’ve know each other for 41 years, been married for 37.

Today I’m devastated again because he’s gotten to a point where he gets agitated by my presence in our room so I’m moving to the spare room.

Every time something like this happens is like a gut punch. I’m sorry I don’t have something positive to say but maybe knowing you’re not alone will bring some comfort.
Hang in there.