Caregiver Burn Out

sharilee45601 · August 19

My father (he will be 86 on August 22nd) lives with me since my mom passed November 2024. He was diagnosed in 2018. In 2019, the began spending summers with me and wintering in Florida. It got to much for my mom not having help in winters, so in 2021 they began wintering in Texas near my sister. That didn't even last two years (my mom said my sister acts like we are burden). In March 2023 they moved into an RV on my property full time, then after mom died moved dad into the house.

My husband has been great helping with my dad but he works full time so many days he is not home. I work, I teach and all but one of my classes are online. So I am home the majority of time with dad.

I am experiencing emotional burnout. My dad constantly (daily) talks about getting in his car and driving home to Houston. I tell him you are hear for the summer, it is too hot in Houston right now. Sometimes tell him he is here full time (has been since March 2023). He responds okay. But then asks again. He is also always bored, everything I suggest he rejects and when I don't give him a choice he says this is borning.

Also another issue, is my sister. She is in Houston, I know she can't help physically with dad, but you would think I could talk to her about what I am going through for support but she won't even provide emotional support.

I am at my wits end.

SusanB-dil · August 19

Hi sharilee - welcome to 'here' but sorry for the reason.

Caregiver burnout is real. You should look into adult daycare for him for maybe a few days a week. The cost was actually reasonable for a day or three a week. We called it the community center. (MIL is beyond that now) At the least, maybe get some help in, so you could leave for a little while, even if it is a local park, or coffee shop, or library.

Does dad even have access to a car? You could still let him talk all he wants… but no real driving, of course. And yes, telling him 'too hot', or 'maybe next month' is the correct thing to do.

We understand. vent and ask all you want.

H1235 · August 19

Welcome. I have a difficult brother, so I can relate to that. I have accepted he is who he is and will always cause me more problems than help. While I’ve accepted his lack of help, I’m still bitter and angry with him. I ended up talking with my doctor about a mild medication for my anxiety. Maybe this is something to consider. Managing your job and caring for your dad is a lot! Consider your limitations. I know I feel like I have to be able to do everything. It’s hard to accept that you can’t. Have you considered hiring someone to spend time with him, just as a companion. A senior day program even once a week might be good for both of you. Your local commission on aging could help. An assisted living facility is another option. My mom didn’t want to go, but once she was there she enjoyed making friends, having her own apartment and some independence. There can be a waiting list to get into a facility. You can usually just turn down an opening if you’re not ready and remain at the top of the list. Your dads needs are only going to become more demanding of your time. If you don’t have a B, it might be time to start thinking about what you want. Even if you are not ready for these types of changes, maybe you could consider help for yourself. Hire a maid, have groceries delivered, splurge on takeout food more frequently. I hope you can find a solution.

sharilee45601 · August 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280375#Comment_280375

Thank you for your reply. I can't have strangers in the house because of my dogs. They are anti-social. One of the things I am doing is going to an in person support group next week and talked to my husband about on one of his days off, he cares for dad and I go do my own thing to take a break. I am just so fed up with my sister. I should at least be able to rely on her for emotional support but can't.

sharilee45601 · August 19

He does not have access to a car, we hid the keys. Talked to my husband, one day a week when he is off, he takes care of dad and I do me time. Also next week going to a local support group. Thank you for your reply.

H1235 · August 19

Vent all you want here. I think almost all my posts are me venting about my difficult brother. We understand and can sympathize with you. On the bright side even if she won’t listen or help you talk through problems, at least she is not criticizing your decision or making trouble for you with your dad (I hope). One day a week seems like a good place to start. Your mental health matters. Don’t lose site of that.

Caregiver Burn Out

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