Revoking DPOA

At this point it would be a big mistake to even consider removing yourself because his brain is broken. I would contact the attorney just for them to be aware in case he would contact them. Have you tried lying and telling him you do not have DPOA. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

If he has an official dementia diagnosis, he can't revoke the existing DPOA because he is not of sound/ sensible mind, and his physician will have to attest to that. I'd recommend informing the attorney of the situation and seek his/her counsel. I don't blame you for believing divorce would absolve you of the current situation or responsibility…it doesn't, not really. I suppose in a not-so-perfect marriage, one might regret not divorcing the person when the chance was there. Anyhow, that's another story. Hope you find a good solution to keep both of you safe.

And aren't you just the epitome of kind gentleness "Biggles". Like how you complied with :

https://alzconnected.org/home/termsofservice

And:
"AI Overview No, it is not considered polite to "ream out" or harshly scold others in a support group.Support groups rely on psychological safety, mutual respect, and empathy to help members heal and share vulnerably."

My post focused on actions that may help get the OP through her difficult time from my perspective. You chose to criticize me and my advise from a personal perspective.

Why didn't you post directly to the OP instead of attacking me ?

Why not go through my suggestions one by one and say " or try this " " and maybe try this" . Considering how my post referred the OP to getting outside expert help and that you very much disagreed with my approach I look forward to what you would advise.

Example to get you started : describe what the flaw is in my sentence:

"Check with the attorney if you can get the van removed/sold to eliminate that risk. The attorney can probably recommend a professional conservator who can help you get him placed if you aren't up to researching places etc. "

Getting legal help and seeking a professional expert on placement advise is apparently wrong -so what's "right"?

Look forward to your positive suggestions .

@Bailey's Mom

I am so sorry you're going through this. My mom was in a similar position with my dad. It got worse after he was initially diagnosed and she moved them both back near me and the doctors who were sorting out which dementias he actually had.

Ideally, what @Victoriaredux suggested as best practice is in a situation like yours. Getting DH turfed to a geripsych admission where medication can be trialed and stabilized while keeping you both safe would be best. Unfortunately, this strategy relies on police who are sufficiently trained in behavioral health response and an ED team that recognizes the issue and has an appropriate transfer available to them. Mom's local ED failed them miserably (quick discharge with only the name of a general practice neurologist who was scheduling 6 months out).

Next time, make a recording of his behavior. If video is unsafe, then just get the audio of the threats and accusations so the responding officers understand the risk if your DH is one who showtimes.

Regarding going forward, this is a discussion to have with an elder law attorney. My parents didn't have DPOAs when dad was diagnosed, so I took mom to one near me. While we did discuss POAs and Medicaid planning, we also discussed divorce in the context of dad's dementia. There marriage was not always a good or happy one and the previous 10 years during which dementia was increasingly a factor were some of the worst.

It would have been a costly option; a 50/50 split, she'd be responsible for his Medicare supplement, not only would both need lawyers, but dad would also need a guardian ad litem during the proceedings, and she'd lose all input into decisions made on his behalf. Guardianship would likely have gone to me; dad and I never had a good relationship, and she didn't trust me to not retaliate. We ran the numbers. Mom took a gamble, she felt she'd be better off financially if she were able to remain married and keep him at home, with effective medication to dampen his aggression, as long as she could. If there had been fewer assets in play with the rules of Medicaid in play to cover his care, she might have elected to divorce.

One thing mom's attorney suggested was that if dad didn't agree to the DPOA, it's the lawyers call regarding capacity to sign and a different one might believe him OK to understand what he's doing, go for guardianship. It's more money but gives you relief from his threats.

I hope you can get meds sorted out. They can make a huge difference. For dad, they calmed him down enough that he was able to respond to non-drug strategies like validation to keep him calm and feeling understood. FWIW, this middle stage was the hardest on our family. As dad progressed to late stage, things got easier in many respects.

HB

@Bailey's Mom I’m so sorry you’re feeling like withdrawing your post. You came to a site that should be free of drama, where it’s “safe” to ask questions, provide helpful advice, or even just to vent. I can’t imagine how I would have handled that situation, I haven’t been in your place and wasn’t there. We all do he best we can in any situation. Upon reflection sometimes I discover I would have handled thing in a different manner, sometimes not.

All I can offer is a hug 💜

I have gone back in, pushed edit and wiped out the whole post when felt caught in negative vibes. Not sure if it erased all but I felt better. Sorry you are going through all this. Most of the advice is sound and helpful.