Roommates kids bringing in stuff for mom

H1235 · June 8

My mom is a hoarder! She lives in a nursing home with a roommate she really likes. It is almost impossible to get anything out of her room. My brother gave her popcorn in a tin for Christmas-she wants to keep the tin, she even saves empty single serve chip bags (no idea what that’s about), she saves all the cups they give her medication in(an entire drawer full), a pot with a plant that died months ago, so many bingo prizes!, I have a hard time getting empty pop cans…. Mom has always loved to sew, but just isn’t able. She believes she is as capable as she was 30 years ago and often demands material. When she was in Al my brother gave in to her demands and you would not believe how much material he had brought her. She can never get enough. We have not brought her material since she moved to the nursing home because she has no room and no need for it. I noticed she had material in a pile in her dresser. Mom told me her roommates daughters brought it in for her so she could sew, since I won’t bring her any. I am so mad! I know to an outsider i look horrible, but dont people understand that there is probably more to the story. I have no contact information for them and have never met them. If I complain (not even sure who I would complain to) mom will find out and that would not be good. The drawers are full so it’s probably going to stay right there blocking a nice picture of her and my dad and cluttering up her room even more. When she was in Al I would go in every now and then a clear out a few things while she was out with my brother. Her roommate would rat me out the minute mom got back to her room if I try that here. I guess nothing is a tripping hazard yet. I just need to chill. As I was leaving today mom told me to go down and tell the nurses she can leave with whoever she wants (a former roommate wanted to take her out and I didn’t feel comfortable with that and of course mom found out it was me). She said she was going to come with me to make sure I did it. I just left. She is very mad. I hate that I am always the bad guy.

SusanB-dil · June 8

Could you get the soda cans out by saying you are going to turn them in for recycling?

Would her roommate remember you removed things? Glad they get along, but other than running into roommate's family and telling them to stop, not sure how best to skirt around the issue.

Dang, I hate 'this' disease!

Quilting brings calm · June 8

I would inform the director and have them deal with the family. She can make sure the request to stop didn’t come from you. Honestly they can’t have people bringing items to other residents. What if someone brought nuts to an extremely allergic patient?

H1235 · June 8

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274371#Comment_274371

I told mom I would recycle them, she reluctantly agreed, but demanded I give her the money. Thankfully she forgot to ask for it when I saw her today. I didn’t ask for the cans this week (I just didn’t have it in me, since I know it’s going to be an issue) so that’s probably why she didn’t ask about the money from a few weeks ago. It’s not that I really care about the $1.20, but it’s going to add up over time and I won’t take her to the store to spend it (she would want to buy more crazy things she doesn’t need, have room for or shouldn’t even have) so what is the point. I think if the Roommates family does something like this again I will try to take some kind of action.

terei · June 9

I would arrange to have mother and roommate out of their room (lunch?) some outing? During an activity? Go in and take out whatever you want…repeat, repeat, repeat. Do this without her knowing you are in the building. Put the stuff in bags and drop them out the window if you have to.

terei · June 9

Oh, and take it direct to Goodwill.

H1235 · September 18

Mom’s roommates daughter decorates her room with a different theme every month. For the last two months they have taken it upon themselves to decorate moms side of the room as well. It’s one room with an office wall petition in the middle. Last months theme was bird of a feather. This month is apparently down on the farm. They have brought in a big sheet of material with farm animals on it and covered one of moms walls. On another they hung a picture of a pig and another of a cow. There are also stuffed animals (cow, pig) on her bed. Does this seem out of line for a family to decorate a roommates room? Mom seem happy with it, but it makes me very mad. It looks so tacky. It’s not like I don’t decorate a bit for the seasons. I just brought in a fall wreath and took the summer one home. Mom can sometimes get snippy when I bring things from her house. She wants to be taken to her house so she can get the things she wants. Bringing in decorations can be tricky. At Christmas she threw a fit and didn’t want me to bring decorations home because she said she would never see them again. She thought I would loose them or just not bring them back next year. It was kind of ugly. I know as long as mom is happy and there are no safety issues, I should just chill and let it go, but I’m having a really hard time. Mom likes it so saying something is just going to cause problems. I’m sure it would get back to mom that I said something. So I’m biting my tongue and venting here.

SusanB-dil · September 18

Seems to me it is overstepping when they go decorate someone else's space. Maybe a little now and then, but a bit nervy to cover her wall.

Glad mom doesn't mind, but they need to be respectful of the other family members, too.

caregiving daughter · September 18

There should be fire code ensuring there are clear paths to locate the residents as well as exit. Sounds like those are at risk. Let the home be the bad guy—remove items and then say it is their rule.

ARIL · September 19

Agreed that this is overstepping. It would annoy me too. Given your mom’s history of hoarding, it seems to me that this sort of “kindness” could cause real problems, especially if the decorations are so extensive month after month. Might your mom want to keep everything? If so, that’s yet more unnecessary trouble for you.

People do all sorts of strange things, imagining that they are helping, don’t they?

H1235 · September 19

I believe that when they took down the bird themed things they took everything with them. There are 4th of July window clings they put up for her that are still on her window. I guess I’ll see how long they are there. Being these things don’t belong to mom I think she is probably willing to let them go. It’s just so intrusive. Mom tells me how nice they are for decorating her room since I won’t take her to her house so she can find the things she wants (that would be everything!). She has pictures on her walls and a wreath on her door, so it’s not as if her room is bare. It’s just not decorated like a kindergarten classroom (well it is now). I just find this monthly theme ridiculous. So far I don’t think anything is a fire or trip hazard. It’s just pictures on the wall, material covering over an office type petition and some stuffed animals on her bed. I guess there is the stack of material they brought her that sits on her dresser. I can’t even imagine how people think this is any of their business.

sandwichone123 · September 19

I'd roll with it. I realize it's tacky, but the family apparently means well. Presumably they're asking your mom, but it's also possible that your mom came up with the idea. In any case it's not something they're doing to her or without her consent—it's just that her tastes have changed and the classroom decor is more appealing now. The roommates also have a relationship, and the decor is part of it. Sad, but overall just part of the decline.

Was the roommate a kindergarten teacher?

Roommates kids bringing in stuff for mom

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