too early?

I'm sorry, but if the kids don't want to step up and help, then I would say they have no say in the matter. And if the stage has reached beyond what your oldest can even handle, then I would think that by stage 6, you've carried enough. Placement is NOT abandonment, either, as may be the reason they may seem adverse to you re-building a life?

Barry Peterson (the news correspondent) wrote about this regarding his wife. 'Jan's Story' . maybe check it out? He loved Jan, would never abandon her, but he, too, had to get on with living.

Would some adult daycare help in the meantime?

I'm sorry you are dealing with 'this'.

It's not easy, I agree. I'm with @SusanB-dil - this is not abandonment. I placed my sister in memory care when she was in late stage 5-early stage 6, and spoke with her every day (except one day a week when I gave my self a break), and visited often. My days were still dementia filled.

Placing her was the right thing to do. She was ready, and there was no way one person could look after her effectively.

I think there's a lot of apprehension and outdated information out there about memory care facilities. My sister was originally fretting that my brother and I were going to "put her in a home", and that it would be like a prison. Nope, not true. A good memory care facility will have engaged staff who will do activities and exercises with residents, go on short drives (for those who are able), etc. There was a lot of socialization for the residents, each to their ability.

If you can swing it, I'd say start looking now. There may be a waiting list.

I do think that once your son gets clued in about memory care some of his objections will fall by the wayside.

If you feel that both of you will be better off after placement, then it is time. Your children, including the one living with you (I have one, too) have no idea what you are going through. They are in no position to make that decision or to not accept it when you do. You do have to make a new life for yourself and if that includes a boyfriend, that's alright. You have to live for you, so live it.

@AlzWife2023

I am so sorry you find yourself in this space.

IMO, stage 6 is not "too early" for your DH to be in a MCF; once a PWD can no longer be safe at home, MC is a excellent option. At a certain point, a PWD's care requires a team effort as a spouse can't do it without lowering standards and at a tremendous personal cost. Circumstances are such that you can't financially afford to assemble a team at home. At 35, your DS should be focused on building his own life— finding a partner, nurturing friendships, building a career and perhaps a family.

As an adult child, perhaps I am projecting. But here goes. Your sons are entitled to their feelings— especially the one who has been contributing to the household financially and otherwise. I suspect it might be the boyfriend that is upsetting to them. Have you been able to discuss this with them? Younger people who have their whole lives ahead of them may not realize what it feels like to be in your shoes, trapped in 24/7 caregiving, with the clock running down and no end on the foreseeable horizon. It takes a certain amount of maturity to understand that you can care for and honor a spouse while living the only life you've been granted.

There was a man at the local support group I attended who was sweet on my mom. The feeling was mutual. They never saw each other outside of the meeting, but it was pretty obvious to all in the room. I, personally, did not have an issue with mom finding a friend who she could have dinner with or whatever 80-somethings do for fun, but his son was horrified by one of their dad's and mom's extended hugs (he hugged those who were OK with it on parting). They literally "c*ck blocked" him— sitting between them at the meeting, insisting on driving dad to the meetings, and scheduling appointments for right after so they could hustle him out before his famous good-bye hugs. The son was a medical professional who would close his practice early and drive over an hour each way to maintain his dad's chastity. SMH. Maybe it's a boy-thing.

HB

I’m going to speculate that the son doesn’t feel that it should be his responsibility to care for your husband while you date. I think it’s time that you place your spouse where there’s a staff that is there 24/7, because stage 6 needs 24/7 supervision. Which is something one person cannot do on their own even if they are the best caregiver on earth. Let your son get back to building a life in his 30s.