How to handle guilt trips

lilacgirl · September 30

My mother has always been the queen of guilt tripping me, but now that she has dementia, it has reached new levels. I have worked through a lot of this in therapy, and have somewhat learned to let it roll off my back. But I still do struggle.

Right now, I'm getting ready to go away for a long weekend with my husband for his birthday. Leaving tomorrow (Thursday), returning Sunday. I have learned not to tell her about these kinds of plans too far in advance because then she obsesses about what day we're leaving, what day we are coming back, etc., but I did tell her yesterday. She was in a great mood and it seemed like a good time to let her know. She took it pretty well. But this morning she called me because she couldn't remember if I already left or if she'd get to see me today. I told her I would see her this afternoon (I visit her almost every day at her ALF, so I realize I have created this monster), and she said okay, then started crying for no apparent reason. I'm sure it's because I'm leaving. And now I dread seeing her this afternoon. If history tells us anything, she is going to mope and sigh and cry and say she should move back home because I wanted her to move here but then I abandon her, that she's helpless without me because I made her too dependent when I "took away her car," etc.

We go through this every time I go anywhere, which really isn't that often. We have cut way back on our travels because I hate to leave her, even though I know she's safe and taken care of in AL, because I know emotionally she is struggling. And I have to work really hard to not let it completely ruin my trip.

Any ideas on how to better handle this? We have a couple more small trips coming up this fall, including a wedding. But am I selfish to even travel at all during this stage of her illness?

SusanB-dil · September 30

You are definitely not being selfish! You are not being selfish to live your life! You need to nurture your life with your husband.

Please stop telling her you are going anywhere. Maybe taper off your daily trips a bit? Maybe skip a day through the week, and then another. Depending on their stage, both my mom and MIL didn't/wouldn't know if we were there every day or once a week.

H1235 · September 30

I agree with Susan. Reduce your visits and stop telling her about your trips. Visiting every day is probably not good for either of you. She needs time to participate in activities and make friends and you need a break. I would slowly start reducing your visits. You are causing her a lot of stress by giving her too much information. She can’t handle the information. Once you are visiting less often hopefully she won’t even miss you while you are on vacation. If she does call while you are on vacation and asks when you will visit next or why you haven’t visited, I would come up with a fib. Had car trouble, not feeling well, busy with…You are not being selfish!

Kris ann · September 30

I also get the guilt trips. I have started not visiting on the weekend so when I need to be out of town to help other family members it isn't obvious since I also stopped going everyday. She will call me and I respond as though I were at home. My kids who live close have also started some of the trips to take care of things so it isn't as unusual for them to come and take care of things. I am trying to learn to take care of myself and feel your pain.

Quilting brings calm · September 30

You and your husband need these times away. You can’t change your mom’s disease - you can only do what’s best for her while also trying to save your life and marriage too. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It can last years Like you, I learned to stop telling her anything about my day/week/ vacation because she would then become anxious and start calling over and over. Instead I would tell the AL director and nurse my trip plans so they would be aware.

caregiving daughter · September 30

Please understand first that while your mom may have guilt tripped you in the past, this is entirely different. Your mom's reasoner is broken. I don't believe she is intentionally trying to manipulate you.

I agree with others that you deserve the time away. You may want to consider whether a higher level of care is necessary as pwd have difficulty entertaining themselves. They may be scared to talk to someone in the hallway because they know they will be unable to keep up with the conversation. Before long, they may become very isolated. Memory care includes regular activities where folks are expected to join. Caregivers will cue residents with, "let's go sit over here" as opposed to, "Bingo starts at 9". Your mom being busy may mean you are no longer the major activity of the day,

Relative to going away, I would not explain in advance. Perhaps wean the daily trips the week before so it is no longer the expectation. Arrange with a neighbor, sibling, or cousin to stop by. If those options don't exist, and you are going for a many days, consider hiring a companion once or twice during the week.

Anonymousjpl123 · October 2

oh lilac I so feel for you. When you’ve been guilt tripped your whole life, the kind of dependency that dementia creates can be a monster. I know the feeling.

I struggle with guilt too any time more than a week goes by and I don’t visit. Often my mom does get upset even though she’s in. Very late stages. That said, my reaction is less about things now and more like a Pavlov’s dog thing.

like others have said this is a marathon not a sprint. It’s been 5 years for me now. Deep. And I need time away sometimes. It’s ok.

You must take care of yourself. It is a service to you and her both.

path51 · October 5

My mom manipulated and guilt-tripped me my whole life and was very emotionally absent. I have been her sole support system. We had to move her to a more secure ALF nearly two weeks ago (she was a runner), and the transition has been disastrous - I know it hurt her deeply that we told her she cannot live with us, and now she is spreading lies about how I am stealing her money, changing her trust, planning on keeping all her money for myself, etc., which I know is common behavior. Even though I know that’s common, it is taking a toll on me and I’ve been not answering her calls - the new facility said to take a break and let her settle in - they’ve been great. She berates my adult children, when they have been nothing but supportive and helpful to her. To put it in a nutshell - we are all exhausted by the verbal abuse and negative/hateful behavior she displays towards us. To be totally honest - and it really hurts me to say this - I almost look forward to her not recognizing me so I can just be a nice person who visits and chats with her. I know that is terrible to say, but I don’t know how much longer I can take this abuse for my own health. I’ve been really healthy up until last year, but within 5 months of moving her from out of state to be near us, I was diagnosed with a serious autoimmune disease, and this year breast cancer. This constant stress is making me sick. My brother is 100% behind me, totally trusts me, and gets his share of abuse from their weekly phone calls. I’ve been her POA for years, and have never taken one dime for all of my time - quite the contrary. I am thousands out of pocket for flights, hotel, gas, and food just moving her out here, not to mention the endless trips to all appointments in the last 18 months. She does not live with gratitude, only hate, and I want to know how others are getting through this phase? Thank you for listening!

How to handle guilt trips

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