Adjusting to memory care

jenv22 · October 4

We moved my dad (89) to memory care two weeks ago. They have been the most challenging two weeks of my life. He had memory issues in the past, but something happened earlier this summer that brought on much stronger symptoms (he has vascular dementia). He was living with a family member, but the nights became incredibly difficult with him constantly getting out of bed and screaming when falling asleep. He would only sleep for about an hour and a half at a time.We also discovered he was taking ibuprofen every time he got up to go to the bathroom so roughly 15 to 20 pills a night. Because of all this, we had to move him to memory care.

He is miserable. He has a cell phone and he sends our family group chat roughly 100 messages a day ( sometimes more) begging us to take him home and telling us we are horrible children that we can’t even take care of our own father.

There is nothing more in the world. I want to be able to bring him home, but I just don’t see how we could keep him safe at home seeing as he doesn’t sleep all night and he’s constantly searching for medication for his leg pain.

The transition to memory care has been so difficult. I wish they had prepared us for this.

caregiving daughter · October 4

I'm sorry but I do understand. He is scared and doesn't understand why his life is changing. Your family member was doing their best but it's a gamechanger when the pwd is medicating themselves. He is now in a secure place. While family contact is critical, there is no need for a cell phone. Perhaps you could do a trial where it goes missing for a bit. Continue regular visits but if he gets agitated, make a quick exit. Perhaps you could also visit from afar or ask a friend to go by and see how he is when you are not there. Is there treatment for his leg pain? None of this is your fault. None of this is his fault. When he says he wants to go home, he is saying he wants his old life back. You and your siblings are not horrible—the disease is. Is he sleeping better in mc?

Quilting brings calm · October 4

My parents’ doctor told me - you can’t make them happy, you can only try to keep them safe. The doctor tried to explain to my step-dad that my mom would burn the house down if they were living on their own and she were around the stove. Dad didn’t get it ( because he had cognitive issues too). You made the best decision you could and it’s impossible to explain logically to a person with dementia.

In terms of the phone- you ) and everybody else) should not answer everytime he calls/texts with this complaint. The MC will call you if they need you and not from his phone. If it continues, ask for the phone to ‘update it’ or fix some ‘issue’. Don’t bring it back for a few days and see if that breaks the constant text/call cycle. He is spending all his time calling/texting rather than getting adjusted to the MC and getting to know the other residents. If he can’t remember that he already took ibuprofen that long, then he may forget about the phone after a few days. Or he may have forgotten how to use it even if he remembers he had one. Remove the group chat from his phone, so that he has to text everyone individually.

fesk · October 4

I am sorry you and your dad are dealing with this. I care for my mother and remember when she was getting up constantly at night. Your father does seem to need constant supervision. Whether at home or memory care, there may be medication to help him sleep better and lessen anxiety. You can also try behavioral approaches.

I can't speak to adjustments to memory care. I have my mother at home. However, I would think the constant calls stem from confusion and being anxious. Is there anything being done to integrate him into the community at memory care? I don't know if staff has time to do that. I know I keep reading that they say not to visit for the first couple of weeks so the person can adjust but that just seems backwards to me. You have someone who is already confused and they are no longer in familiar surroundings. That can create all kinds of behaviors that weren't already present. I wonder if the opposite happened, if it would help him adjust - have someone spend more time with him initially until he is more accustomed to the surroundings and routine. Help him settle. Is there any way family and friends can do that for a bit?

Adjusting to memory care

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