Recycling the same conflicts

As my DW progressed through the stages, I found out that I had no reason to continue visits with the neurologist. We only go to the PCP when she has like a UTI. I’ve also stopped all tests like mammograms and colonoscopy’s. At this point I am just keeping my DW safe and comfortable and letting nature take it course. The one medical professional that I do utilize is her Psychiatrist for her anxiety needs.

My Mom hasn't been diagnosed with Alzheimers but her Neurologist said it may be Alzheimers. They gave her a memory med and seroquel. She has had many tests in the past 3 months. So far nothing has helped much. She seems to be getting worse. This has been a no win situation and its a struggle for me to get though the day. My elderly dad has been sick also but his memory is good. Its very hard to live with them now. I feel like my life is over and there is no way out. Good luck with everything.

When you have these discussions about a room to paint in, how does that go. So often we try to reason with and discuss things using logic, much like you would have in years past. If she forgets the conversation rather quickly, could you agree with her, no matter how unreasonable her demands are. If she wants to put an addition on the house to make an art studio, why not go along with it and support her idea if she is going to forget the entire conversation anyway. Explaining to her why you can’t move, remodel, or renovate is not going to work. Many caregivers find their loved one with dementia are extremely demanding. I think part of it might be trying to exert some control, since they have lost so much. My mom has always loved crafts and sewing. Any projects she is able to do she scoffs at and considers it beneath her. The complicated projects she wants to work on are way more than she can handle. When she is faced with her own limitations she usually blames me for not getting her the right supplies. I often use a fib. I tell her I can’t find the materials she wants, or make some other excuse. It’s a no win situation.

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

I hear you,

We closed my DW's studio this month. House now looks like a hoarder of art work and supplies…and we had left most of the furniture there. She hadn't gone to the studio since May, when i pulled the car keys from her, knowing that she could no longer safely drive. She now uses every room in the house for doing art, and constantly brings even the smallest design or drawing for me to see and comment on and approve. I can not get anything done. She is probably around stage 4/5.

Its the delusions though, that get to me: She wants to go out most afternoons to either sell her art to someone that she says she has an appointment with, or to teach "children, who are waiting for her." Deflecting doesn't work anymore. I cannot let her go out that door…she is confused regarding time and place, and aside from art, other objects and activities confuse her, and she is at a fall risk. Meds help, but it usually devolves into her getting angry at me. Fortunately, she forgets that this happens.

I fear that a Memory Care facility is the next step, and that she would decline rapidly without her art stuff. i also feel that this constant behavior is affecting my health. She has always been my favorite person and this is so hard. Just know that people in these discussion groups share similar concerns and frequently do have that helpful solution…or at least we are all searching for it with a lot of trial and error. Its hard not to be hard on ourselves though, eh.

This is absolutely true. Ive' caught DW getting ready to drink acetone (fingernail polish remover) and hand lotion. Thank God I was right there. She will also occasionally try to eat random things like fake flowers, crayons, pieces of paper. I guess thats TMI.

I must admit I did not read through everyone’s responses. I’m responding to the original post. Recycling/revisiting problems. You are revisiting problems, but your parent is not. It’s new (in some way) every time. I have spent considerable time in therapy trying to keep myself healthy and still be there for my mom. I’m trying to reframe the way I label things and the way I approach things. I am an educator and problem solver by nature. But my mother doesn’t need a problem solver. She needs me to walk side-by-side on this journey with her, so that she is not alone. She needs me to respect her feelings, her frustrations. To say “oh, that sucks”. To say “oh, that’s too bad that we can’t figure this out”. Or to say “well, let me look into that further and maybe I can come up with some better ideas”. Your situation may be different…but mother seems to respond well to the fact that I recognize things aren’t right for her (things will never be right for her). She seems to take comfort in my commiserating with her and validating her feelings, regardless of how removed from truth and reality her perceptions are. It is still her truth. And the goal (at least for my situation) is not solving the problem. It’s just staying for the journey.

and now I must apologize further… I DID read all of the posts and your ordeal is heartbreaking. Your wife’s journey and symptoms are obviously at a level where outside intervention is required. Trust yourself and NEVER feel guilty about doing what needs to be done for her. Ask yourself what you would want her to do if the situation was reversed. Good luck and God speed.