DH was admitted to the ER

amicrazytoo

I have been off the forum for a while, so sorry you are going through this. Please take advantage of the respite time while someone else is monitoring him. You need a break! Prayers and (((hugs)))

vtgsell

LT, holding you in the light.  I'm so sorry this is your reality.  Your positive attitude helps many people, including me.  Praying that both your DH and you can find help that helps you.

Lp57$

LadyTexan, my heart is breaking for you and your DH! When I read your post, I can only imagine how you must have felt...  You did everything you could have done and I appreciate all the tips you and everyone else have given me on this terrible disease with my DH!  Try to get some rest and take care of yourself  while your DH is in the hospital..  I will be thinking about you and your DH! Hugs my dear!!!

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LadyTexan

Hopefully, a psych bed will become available and DH will be transferred sometime today. The last I heard, from 2 doctors yesterday, he will be sent to the psych hospital in Austin which is around 2 hours away. This sounds promising to me. 

It is so hard being separated from DH. The dog and the cat are on edge. It has given me sometime to decompress and do some much needed deep cleaning. I have done a great deal of stress eating which has turned my digestive system upside down. I know better when it comes to nutrition, alas I didn't make good choices.

SO many worries are in my head. I try to push them out with logic & self talk. For example,

1. Worry: what if DH's brain is too impaired to benefit from the psych hospital. Logic: let the professionals do their best.
2. Worry: what if DH is unable to return home. Logic: this is possible and you are aware of Medicaid eligibility. You have a network of people who can help you navigate this possibility.
3. Worry: what if DH tries to harm himself again. Logic: you have tried to make the environment safe. You are safety aware. You ultimately have no control over his desire to end his life. You do have the ability to call for help.
4. Worry: Did I prolong DH's misery by intervening when he tried to harm himself? Logic: I have no answer here.

I am taking this an hour at a time, one day at a time. 

Thank you all for lifting me up and for keeping me going. Your prayers and kind thoughts and love and support mean more than you know.

On a separate note - Today is my sobriety birthday - 5 YEARS

June45

LT, thanks for letting us know what the status is.  You have a really tough situation and I admire your resolve to see it through wherever it leads you. I know it is easy to say, but don't second guess your decisions. Just know that you have some prayer warriors on this forum!! Happy 5th sobriety birthday!

Joe C.

LT, In all the turmoil you are experiencing please that a little time today to celebrate your 5 years anniversary. Congratulations! I am a member of that club as well. All I can offer is my prayers & virtual support. Hang in there, ODAAT!

M1

Thanks for the update LT.  Continuing to think about you both.  Happy Anniversary, that's a big deal.  Big deal.

Jo C.

Truly a deeply devasating time; I can only imagine the stress.  I am so sorry.   He had been teetering on that very, very narrow brink for some iime, and it all abruptly caved in.  You have done what is best and necesssary for him.

The thing that may be most helpful would be to have him transferred to a GeroPsych Unit if he is not in one at this point. There, they will have  the necessary knowledge and skills to assess your DH on a 24 hour continuum and meet the challenges; this is important as a regular hospital unit is not educated or prepared to manage such a situation; nor is a regular psych unit.  GeroPsych would be the most helpful option; they work with dementia.   Once your DH has been fully assessed, then a treatment plan evolves and medications adjusted.  Hopefully this will bring relief from what has been happening.   It will take time to tell.

Even if you do not have a GeroPsych Unit in a medical center near you and the closest one is a distance, that GeroPsych admission would be in all probability a best move in having  a good outcome; so distance would not be the measure of whether ro admit to that setting or not.

Though you have made a herculean effort to remove all dangerous objects; it is never 100%; even a simple object or a pair of hands can be fatal - I am not trying to frighten you, but in looking at this in a global perspective, this is one of those times that it would be far best to have a Plan B that can be put into place on an urgent basis.  Best not to minimize the issues a hand or the potential risks.

If DH is in GeroPsych, it is best to make good friends with the psychiatric social worker as early in the admission as possible.  In the discussion, it would be a good idea to have the Social Worker provide names of good care facilities that would be competent to care for your husband if such a setting is needed for awhile or even permanetnly.

Sometimes our LOs will be transferred to a care facility right from the GeroPsych Unit; this is the easiest way for such an admission.  Sometimes that  level of care will be permanent; other times, as a few weeks pass, it may be possible for the LO to return home.  NOTE:  Of interest, is that some individuals do better in a care setting with the structure, routine and new environment that does not carry the same triggers the home environment did than they would do at home.   I found that to be true with my LO.

It is something one has to work with and try; each person and set of cirumstances are unique.  You have tried to do your best, tried to put  a good face on it; but safety and best treatment setting for the both of you is now the driver in this situation.   If he is to continue to be as severely compromised as he was with the sledge hammer and gasoline, that still represents a significant threat and it will not be an "as usual" dynamic..

So hope that things will work out well for the both of you, do let us know how things are going; we will be  thinking of you.

J.

Quilting brings calm

Lady Texan and Joe

Wow- what strong backbones you have to persevere in sobriety with partners so ill.  Both of you, please make sure you take time to do what you need to keep your sobriety going forward. 

Lady Texan - I was pretty brief in my comments the other day.  I don’t think I adequately responded to how hard it is to have choices taken away from you by one days’ behavior of your spouse. How hard it is for you to come to terms with the idea  that you could have died right along with him.  Please do not berate yourself for anything - from what I can  see you’ve done everything you could as well as you could.   He’s just reached  ‘that stage’ of this disease.  It time to have staff help. 

dayn2nite2

Yes, you can remove "weapons."  But this lady died because her husband pushed her.

Consider carefully having him placed.  Frankly, his attempt with the gasoline could have killed both of you and it's probably the most serious attempt I've ever read on these forums, and I've been here for 10 years.

https://www.wfla.com/news/sarasota-county/police-north-port-man-with-alzheimers-kills-wife/

abc123

Dear LT, thank you for keeping us updated. There are so many here who care deeply about you and DH. I have a question that is weighing heavily. If he were to hurt you physically, where  does the law enter the picture? Will he be arrested and sent to jail? Would he have to deal with going to court? Can anyone answer these questions? Are there special laws for PWD who break the law? If not, that could be the deciding factor to place DH. This is all so sad. I can only imagine the pain and turmoil you both must feel. I’m sorry this is happening.

Congratulations on 5 years of sobriety. That is huge. 

Ed1937

Thanks for the update. As usual, Jo gave you a lot to consider. She knows what she's talking about. 

I'm glad things seem to be going the right way. And remember that you have a small army here pulling for you both. Hopefully we'll see another another post soon about how things are changing for the better.

Congrats on five years! That is significant!!

LadyTexan

DH called me from the ER today. I visited with him briefly in person. DH is calm and He is bored. A large, muscular man is stationed outside DH's room. He watches DH and escorts him to the restroom.

1. I am not as optimistic as I was yesterday that DH will be transferred to the psych hospital soon. DH is 4th in line for a bed on the unit in Austin. 
2. Sunday, I was assured that the transfer would be an Emergency Detention, meaning participation of law enforcement. Today, it sounds as if that may not be the case. I cannot understand how this changed.
3. I have calls into the Mental Health Assessment Member and the Emergency Department Nurse to obtain clarification on whats happening.
4. I was assured that I would be updated and that has not been the case at all.
5. My head is pounding. 

-LT

jfkoc

Have you ha a chance to check out the receiving facility? Is it psych or geripsych?  This may not go smoothly but he is safe. You kept him safe!

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ladyzetta

(((Dear Lady))))))

I know you have a lot on you mind right now but please get as much rest as you can so you will be strong enough to make the decisions that are going to need to be made. 

You have taken outstanding care of your DH but now you need to let professional care get involved so you can take care of yourself.

Let them place him where ever it may be for a complete evaluation to see if maybe a med adjustment can be made and please make sure the adjustment is working. Bringing him home is not safe for your or him. It is time you put yourself first. 

Hugs Zetta 

Ed1937

I'm sorry this didn't work out the way you expected. You got some good advice when you were told not to take him home until he is stable. Just don't get sucked into taking him home too soon. Use your head instead of your heart.

LadyTexan

The Mental Heath Authority (MHA) follows a protocol when trying to place DH. I can tell MHA where I prefer DH to go, but they can choose to place him anywhere that will accept him and that has an available bed. I do not know if MHA is only considering GeriPsych hospitals or not. From what I have been reading online, some of the Psych hospitals have a criteria of 65+. DH is currently 57. That is why I am really really pushing for the place in Austin that is associated with DH's former geriatric psychiatrist. Her focus is dementia and she is familiar with DH's history.

The MHA confirmed that DH will be transferred under Emergency Detention (with participation of law enforcement). I am not sure what created the earlier confusion. 

I don't know where the law enters the picture.

I will carefully consult with DH's healthcare team regarding placement so that I can make an informed decision. Currently, my priority is getting DH the care he needs right now.

Thank you all. Reading your thoughtful responses and Writing updates helps me clarify my thoughts and focus my energy and consider DH and my best options for the future.

caberr

How scary this is for you and him.  You are doing a great job taking care of him and keep you both safe.  I know it's not easy but please get some rest while he is being cared for and I'm saying prayers all goes well.  

GMGYPSY

    Oh Lady T  your post had me in tears.  I cant imagine his pain that made him  even consider such a thing but absolutely DO NOT  blame or question yourself. You're an incredible  caregiver you're one of my inspirations.  

    Gasoline  was a very serious threat please don't try to convince yourself he didn't mean it. How much do we really know about what's in their minds?  My heart goes  out to him but my real concern is for you.   None of us can save our loved ones we can't even give them an easy death ,  because it's not easy.  Yet at some point we have to do what we must to save ourselves .  I've read that dementia /alz  takes 140%.   The 40 % their being  caregivers.    Don't be  among that 40%.

                                                Love GM Gypsy 

Mint

(((LadyTexan))) appreciate you checking in and all your thoughts and encouragement you give us.  Please put your oxygen mask on first.  Please think long and hard about bringing him home unless every ounce of aggression and  being upset with you is gone completely.  Maybe placement for a period as a trial  to see how he acts there.  Then after a period of time choose which path is best for you.  This next statement in no way is meant to be harsh.  It is because I care about you and him.  If he would harm you or worse,  due to  his disease, he will still end up in the legal system.  Better to be placed somewhere than in the legal system.  That would really be a nightmare.

Take care and may you be blessed to find peace with all of this.

abc123

Ps 32:8 

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye”  Sending prayers that He will guide you and help you on this journey of decision making. 

Jo C.

Thank you for keeping us updated - we really care.   Lady; it is most important that you do not consent to taking him back home at this point.  Being in his home environment seems to have multiple triggers and to be the place where the worst happens.  A sledge hammer and of all things; gasoline are highly fatal risks.  You are fortunate that nothing worse happened, and it could have been much worse.  He is indeed plainly a danger to himself and others.

At this point in time, I would question whether accepting his phone calls is a good idea or not.  Personally, I would not do so in order to separate the dynamics and one also has to be very cautous that no co-dependent dynamics begin to surface.  Certainly, no in-person visits at this point.

If there is no other place for him to be transferred but a non Geriatric psych facility; then that would be far, far more appropriate than taking him home where  the risks and danger are huge. And yes; he can be held to answer legally for his actions.  We have seen this here before.

I recall two instances from some years ago. One husband was indeed prosecuted and sentenced to jail - horrible; but that was the outcome where that person lived.  The other person was held o answer legally and of course just like the first mentioned here, was prosecuted in court and the outcome of that was placement in a locked county mental health hospital for severe offenders.

In each case, a defense attorney was required, I have no idea what the expenses were for the poor wives who had to deal with this, but that is another issue to consider besides the paramount one of one's own safety regarding one's very life and limb.  It is alien territory and the mental health persons you are working with may be able to inform you.

I know you are trying very hard to get him to the facility that you are comfortable with that knows him; but if this is not doable, then one can do the best that can be; that may mean having him transferred to GeroPsych in another city outside Austin.  That may mean even a couple of hours away, but it may be the only option and what is best under the circumstances if nothing else is available. And. . . . did the present psychiatrist and GeroPsych facility do a good job of it when he was admitted before - he has not remained stable which is an understatement.

Having your DH placed in a care facility after his inpatient psych stay may be a good approach.  One can assess his ongoing stability, AND it is good to see if being in a new environement without the at-home triggers has him being more stable.  It is not possible to know all of the triggers his mind had at home, but it seemed very much over the top with you at great risk.

As another Member mentioned, this is one of the worst occurrences - pouring gasoline around and I can well imagine the intent was to start a fire - what if he had managed to pour it on you, OR that the sudden blast of erupting fire had caught both of you in flames - the outcome of such a thing is dreadful to even think about.

Please put yourself first in all of this - and also, it may be a good time to make a doctor's appt. for yourself to have a checkup; your stress has been severe and it may be best to see how your own body is doing. 

We here are all pulling for things to come out the best as can be; please do keep us posted and please do think of your own self in all of this.  That is a priority; sometimes we forget about ourselves..

J.

LadyTexan

I am hearing you when you talk about placement. I am listening to your words and slowly realizing that bringing DH home is not a given. For me, its hard to fathom. 

I ask myself "How did we get here?" There were many red flags, that I obviously want to ignore or forget:

• DH's anger at me and at the disease for robbing him of his abilities
• DH's defiance to cause him to refuse his meds and stop eating which only increased his confusion
• DH's rebellious reaction to safety measures
• DH's and my misery and depression and exhaustion

I remind myself, that I cannot provide care for someone who is a risk to my safety. 

Can I create an environment where he is safe and so am I?

Lynne D

In addition to all you are dealing with, you are helping us be taking the time to share your journey. Thank you. 

In our house, any aggravation is focus on me because...I am the only one here! A separation and perhaps no contact may be good(?) 

We all have a sense of what you might be going through, and it is heartbreaking to consider what the man you fell in love with must be going through to exhibit this behavior. I wish him peace.

You are an extraordinary person, and I hold both of you in my thoughts.

Quilting brings calm

LT 

Stop! Stop beating yourself up.  We are all trying to find a point B on a map with no road numbers, no towns or states shown and no directions beyond ‘ it’s somewhere over there’.  

None of us know how to tell what our loved ones are going to do next.  Even the few of us that are medical professionals  ( not me) are stumped by dementia patients.  My parents are in assisted living and I feel like I’m inadequate for this task that has fallen to me.   

You strive me as someone  that tries really hard to get everything right, to plan and to try to fully understand things.  We just can’t accomplish those goals with this disease because what is happening is happening inside of their brains and their nervous system and even  the great scientific minds can’t understand it or fix it

Please operate from behind the scenes right now.  Talk to the doctors and nurses, even go to the hospital - but stay out of sight of your spouse for now.   Deal with whatever facility they find - again from behind the scenes- work on finances and and Medicaid.  Find your self a counselor and go talk to them.  Rest, go for walks or drives, bury yourself in books.  

Worry about the next few days, not the next few years. 

Hugs 

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Doityourselfer

Lady Texan,  you're right in that you can't provide care to someone who is a risk to your safety.   You matter!   I'm hoping for the best outcome for you both.

M1

All my empathy bells are ringing LT.  We had another knockdown, dragout this morning over the truck, and it made me think about you.  The rage is almost intolerable and she's threatening to kick me out of the house.  I have drafted emails to friends and her sister, but I don't know what help to ask for.  Have hidden the keys and going to the doctor again in the morning.  Hard to imagine that our Idyll on the farm may end sooner than I want it to, also.  She wouldn't last 12 hours here without me, but I am not going to let myself be abused either.  Am shaking today.