Count down to placement

billS

If things fall into place I will be placing my wife in memory care one week from today. I like the facility, it feels very homey, the staff seem very caring and efficient, and I know intellectually that the time is right. Safety hazards, wandering, now bowel incontinence to say nothing of my stress level are ringing alarm bells loud and clear. So here I go, down the path none of us wanted. I feel I will need the incredible support of this group to get through this week. Thank you in advance for listening. And I know that I am very privileged to have the option of a memory care facility to take over my burden.

Move-in will hopefully be next Friday 1-14. I am tending to the last details, hoping to set the room up on the 13th. Extra clothes and necessary bedding are ordered, I will furnish the room Thursday. My plan is to wait until Friday morning to spring the move on her. That is what I am most worried about. I plan to make up some lie about the house needing emergency work but I found a great place for her to stay in the meantime. I think things will go OK, I just want to minimize any worry on her part. 

So for now I am rationing my "alone" times this coming week to take care of last minute details, get her room furnished and wring my hands over how best to make this change as easy as possible for us both. Thank you for listening, more to come as the time gets near.

Buggsroo

Bill S,

I feel for you doing this, I can imagine you are going through all kinds of conflicting emotions. It sounds like the place is great, the staff caring and your partner will be in good hands. 

I wish you success with the move, the excuse you have devised sounds very plausible, your wife will probably acclimate quickly. 

I know the time is coming forme down the road. I now shower my husband, shave him and make all his meals. Good luck, definitely keep us in the loop. You’ve got this to quote the young ones.

M1

Will be thinking of you Bill. I know it breaks your heart, but it is the right thing to do. The safety hazards you've described are too much. Hang in there and fingers crossed that it goes smoothly.

abc123

Dear Bill, I’ll be thinking of you both all week. It sounds like you have given this step plenty of thought and planning. Please remember, we are all here for you.

Ed1937

Bill, never doubt your decision. When you heart tells you one thing, look to your brain for the proper answer. No doubt you will have conflicting feelings, so be smart. I know this is a hard thing for you, but don't forget we're here for you whenever you need someone to talk to. I hope things go smoother than anticipated.

Jeff86

Bill, I can reassure you that you have my support 1000% percent for this most difficult of decisions, and I’m pretty sure I can say you have the support of this entire community.

Knowing this is the right logical thing to do, for both your DW’s sake and yours, doesn’t speak to the emotional challenge you are facing.  I’m not there yet but know that if/when the time for placement comes to  us, I will find it agonizing.  Be comforted by the thought that you are doing this because you love your DW and this is the right best thing for her, and for you.

We will all be thinking about you Friday, and sending good thoughts your way.

Beachfan

Bill,

Next Friday will mark week 9 since DH entered MC.  Placement followed 11 1/2 years of 24/7/365 caregiving and 2 years of research on my part.  He is compromised to the extent that placing him was uneventful; he knows none of us, doesn’t know where he is.  For me, the hardest part is knowing that he is not coming home, never. I will be thinking of you, hoping and praying that things go well and you find some peace.  Stay strong. It will be okay.  

Joe C.

Bill, I wish you the best with the placement and with the emotional transition that follows. I will be thinking of you in the days ahead.

David J

Bill- Its been 4 months since I placed my wife in memory care. I needed a minor surgery and recovery time, so I arranged a respite stay. The day I took her, I packed a bag and put it in the car, and we drove to the facility. We were met at the door and she was introduced to a few of the managers. She seemed unaware of her surroundings, but enjoyed the introductions. We were escorted to her room, where I reminded her of my operation, and explained that she would be taken care of there until I could bring her home. The staff then took her off to the Community Room to listen to music. I put her clothes away in her room, waved goodbye and went home. In the following week, before my surgery, I took more clothing, room decorations, and other familiar items over to the MCF for the staff to arrange. I didn’t see her until the night before my surgery. She was already acclimating. 

By the time I had my surgery and started recovery, I knew she wasn’t coming home. She was getting better care at the MCF than I could provide at home, even with a hired care giver. For all the reasons you mention in your post, both our lives were swirling towards the drain. She seems happier there and I know that my mental health is improved. Do I miss her? Yes. Do I get  depressed? Probably, but I need to get my emotional act together and manage the future. The past can’t be managed anymore, just accepted. 

It is a hard step for any of us to take, and we understand what you are going through. You have made the right choice for all the right reasons. This is necessary for her wellbeing, and for yours. 

billS

Thank you all so much for your kindness and support. It is a huge help as I enter what will likely be the final week of my wife living in our home of 45 years.

Today was a roller coaster of emotions, extreme irritation starting at 4:00 when she began popping in and out of bed every 30 seconds. Then at breakfast my heart melting each time she smiled at me. Then monitoring her movements and steering her to the toilet just in time to avoid a nasty scene. Then leaving her to have a cup of tea with a kind neighbor while I went shopping. Then later panic when another neighbor called to say she had showed up at their gate a half mile down the road - I failed to lock the gate again! Then driving down to pick her up and seeing her and the neighbor sitting in the sun having coffee and cookies. Then bringing her home to discover she had left a piece of kindling on top of the hot wood stove which could have started a fire.

And so it goes, loving and protecting what remains of the woman I married, but seeing her drift farther away as I feel less able to keep us safe and maintain my own health. Thanks for listening, more to come as the week progresses.

miamvp

Bill - you and I are in the same boat, as I am planning on placement for my DH at a new MC facility hopefully in about a month.  I am so torn about doing this, and how they can possibly care for him to the degree that I do, and how can I turn over his care to others?? But then I read others' posts and all the positive comments and I know that it's true that we have to also care for ourselves, or the AD will have two victims, as they say, not just one. I already feel that since his diagnosis in 2017, this has taken quite a toll on me, and I am 13 years younger than my DH!!  So, do it for yourself, as well as for your dearly beloved.  I am so sorry that you are having to experience this.  Please let us know how it goes for you, and know that you are not alone in dealing with this difficult situation.  Good luck, and thanks to everyone who shares their experiences and insights here.  I haven't posted much, but I do read a lot of others' comments, and find it very helpful.  Thanks, and peace to all.

billS

Well darn, I was planning to set up the room at the MC facility tomorrow and move my wife in on Friday but there is a Covid case there so things are on hold until next week. Covid is raging so bad right now that I'm afraid this cycle could repeat. I was so ready to be out from under the daily stress, now this uncertainty has amped it up a notch.

M1

So sorry Bill but frankly not surprised. Positive test rate in our area is at a staggering 40%.

Ed1937

Bill, I'm sorry for the latest turn of events. Covid has this whole world turned upside down. Hopefully the covid threat will become less very soon, and things can progress as planned, even though a little late. Sending good wishes your way.

Gig Harbor

Bill you just saved a weeks worth of memory care fees. Earmark it do do something special for yourself when she does move in.

French

Bill, I can understand your kind of deception. I think I would have felt so three weeks ago if covid had retained us in France. The last days, I was counting days because I was waiting for my respite. I was so tired and anxious.

I sincerely hope you won’t be let in this uncertainty too long, it must be stressful.

abc123

Bill, just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and your dear wife. Sending you peace and comfort.

arizonadianne

I echo everyone’s kind words and support. If there is a silver lining, is it better to know (have positive Covid case there) now than move her in on schedule only to have it happen next week? I know it’s not likely but I hope this extra time with her at home will be unexpectedly easy on you.

billS

arizonadianne wrote:

I echo everyone’s kind words and support. If there is a silver lining, is it better to know (have positive Covid case there) now than move her in on schedule only to have it happen next week? I know it’s not likely but I hope this extra time with her at home will be unexpectedly easy on you.

Thank you arizonadianne and other for your kind comments. Sadly the extra time has so far been horrible. After building up my nerve to move my wife, I've had to revert to coping mode until I get the green light, whereupon I will have to face the challenge again.

Meanwhile as if I needed more convincing that I can no longer keep her safe, she had a bad fall this morning and we just returned from nearly 8 hours in the emergency room, 90% of that time just waiting of course. Luckily she only suffered a nasty gash above her eyebrow and some facial abrasions and bruising. I found her wandering the house with vertigo in the night, leaning to one side as though falling. I put her back to bed and she seemed OK at breakfast but then in the late morning the vertigo returned. While I was distracted she walked outside and fell on the gravel driveway. I heard her yelp and ran out to find her face first on the ground, glasses smashed into her brow and bleeding like crazy. 

I am so frustrated. As soon as we got home I insisted she sit down while I started dinner, only to turn around to find she had removed the bandage and was walking around without the cane I insisted she use. I rant and rave at her but am greeted by her sweet smile and her promises to try to do better, which she is incapable of doing. It is crystal clear to me that I can no longer keep her safe, but now the challenge is to get her admitted in between covid shut downs and injuries at home, while somehow keeping my own sanity. Wish me luck.

Ed1937

Bill, I'm so sorry. You need a break if anyone does. Is it possible to get some help in the house until you can get her transferred?

David J

Bill- Sorry about the delay. In placing my wife, I was the cause of delays. I waited until things got bad, similar to what you are experiencing, then I waited through the first year of Covid, then I waited until everyone in the MCF was vaxed. Finally, I placed her when I needed a minor surgery and was forced to arrange respite care.  By that time I knew that if the respite stay worked out, I would make it permanent. I could no longer care for her by myself, and without the home health aide I had hired, I could not have managed those last few months. Which brings me to the point: please consider getting help with her care, for her health and yours.  Even a few hours per week can help release the pressure on you and keep you from emotional and resultant physical harm  

billS

Thanks Ed and David, I do have a caregiver coming tomorrow for four hours, and my sister coming this morning to help. Other friends are available next week. I really hoping I can move her next week sometime.

arizonadianne

I’m so sorry.

Virgil61

Greetings Mister.  My wife's transition went fine.  I planned ahead and did a lot like you are.  I learned real soon that I was so focused on her that I overlooked me and how I was going to handle the transition.  I had no idea how loud the clock  was in our house. You can think ahead but it still has great impact when the time arrives and you return home alone.  Just wanted to toss in my two cents.  Best wishes!

billS

I finally got the go ahead from the MC facility, so today I set up her room and will take her there tomorrow. By way of explanation for the move, I have settled on "your doctor wants you to be closely monitored by health care workers so they can evaluate your medications and maybe do some more tests." I have the staff ready to spout the same line in case she asks. In reality I expect that as long as they smile, give her treats and distract her she will accept the placement fairly easily. We'll see how it goes. So tonight I feel a mixture of anxiety, guilt, and relief. No matter what, I know I have to do this for my own health. And I just can't keep her entertained anymore, so hopefully the more social setting and activities will actually be better for her. I think they will.

Quilting brings calm

I’m glad that things have opened up,  I know you were very concerned about the safety of both of you and your home.  Now you can visit, come home and rest and concentrate on being her advocate.

billS

Quilting brings calm wrote:

I’m glad that things have opened up,  I know you were very concerned about the safety of both of you and your home.  Now you can visit, come home and rest and concentrate on being her advocate.

Exactly, since it is no longer safe for her to be in our home the best thing I can do is to monitor her care in a facility and make sure she is well cared for. 

abc123

Dear Bill, I wish you both a smooth transition. Please take time to rest and re-group.

Desperation

Thinking of you at this difficult time.  All the anticipation, the suffering, the getting ready, and now this.  My life is very hard doing absolutely everything for my DH, and I am still clinging to him.  I  know soon I will have to walk your path.  Good luck seems so insignificant.  Wishing the best to you.

Jeff86

Will be thinking of you today and hoping all goes as smoothly as possible.

Ed1937

Glad things are finally going your way, Bill. I hope that continues. Check back in with us when you get a chance.