Count down to placement

Beachfan

Thinking of you today, Bill, and praying that things go well and according to plan.  DH has been in MC for 10 weeks now and although there are moments of profound sorrow and sadness, I know we are both in a better place and I made the right decision.  Stay strong and check in for support and comfort.

David J

Bill, I am also thinking about you today and sending best wishes. I hope things go well.

Marie58

I'm thinking of you today and praying that all goes well for you both. You'll both have an adjustment to make,  so be easy on yourself. You're doing the right thing. Blessings

Vitruvius

 I wish you all the best today. I hope it goes well for you and your DW.

I also want to thank you for continuing to tell us your story. It is extraordinarily value for those like me that are just behind you. 

Jo C.

Thinking of you today Bill and so hoping all went well.  Making a placement can be one of the most difficult things to do, but you do so out of caring and ensuring your dear wife's safety.  Not only do our LOs have a period of adaptation to such a change, we caregivers do too.

She is now safe, secure, cared for, have increased activity and socialization and you are able to be her loving husband who is her advocate knowing she is in a safe setting and you will not be exhausted with your own health at risk.   When having faced a difficult decision of my own, a dear Member here told me to try and not to think of my decision with guilt; but instead as a decision with regret.  She was kind in sharing that with me and it did help.

J.

jfkoc

Hope all went well.......

billS

Thank you all so very much for your tremendous support through this process. Well it's done. I placed my dear Fern in the memory care facility today, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. This morning I smiled and said, "Fern, you are going to have an adventure today." She smiled back and I explained that her doctors wanted her to be in a facility for a few days so they could have her under professional observation and possibly do some tests to see how her medications were working. Surprisingly she answered, "Good, I've been wanting that to happen." I thought gee maybe this will go more smoothly than I thought. We spent the morning talking, walking the property, baking some muffins, and making lunch. I tried to keep things light and keep her smiling, but did not mention the move again until just before leaving. She was very agreeable. 

Once at the facility she was greeted with open arms by the staff and she was her usual cheerful, gracious self. We showed her to her room while the manager introduced her to other staff and residents along the way. Then it was time for "walking club", where staff take residents out to the enclosed courtyard to walk around while rooms get cleaned and vacuumed. Fern joined in while I went to the office to complete paperwork, but she was looking a bit confused. A while later I returned to her building to check on her and found her very confused and having trouble walking. I led her back inside her building and tried to engage her with other residents but by then it seemed to dawn on her what was really happening. "I don't like this." "I am afraid." Can't I go with you?" "I am very afraid." "I can't do anything anymore, where did it all go wrong?" "Will you come to see me?"

My heart aching, I led her to a woman resident with a very engaging smile and made introductions. The woman seemed pleased to meet Fern and as they started to talk I gave Fern a last hug and headed for the exit. My last glance was seeing Fern smiling and talking with the other woman. Hopefully she has found a buddy already. 

I feel a combination of relief that Fern is now in a safe situation, deep sadness that this had to happen, and sickness at causing her this distress. My brain knows this was necessary, and also that she is now safe and well cared for and will likely adjust soon. But my heart is sharing her pain right now. Thank you all again. 

M1

Oh Bill....I know that tugged at your heartstrings.  Sending warm thoughts your way.

Tfreedz

I’m thinking of you today also Bill.

 The build up before the move can be so unbelievably draining and especially for you since you had the delay. I hope the transition for her went well and you were able to drive home knowing you did the absolute safest,best and most loving thing for your Dear Wife. 

In the days ahead, think about how much you can actually be there for your wife when you are not the one on pins and needles every second. You will be able to comfort her and yourself without worrying about every meal and snack you have to prepare for her. The time you spend with her will be quality time rather than forced time. She will have a whole team of staff devoted to all of the things you were doing for so long and now you can return to being a calm, loving husband that can be her biggest advocate and supporter.

Keep us posted on how she adjusts and also on how you adjust..which may be even harder than you think.

billS

Tfreedz wrote:

I’m thinking of you today also Bill.

 The build up before the move can be so unbelievably draining and especially for you since you had the delay. I hope the transition for her went well and you were able to drive home knowing you did the absolute safest,best and most loving thing for your Dear Wife. 

In the days ahead, think about how much you can actually be there for your wife when you are not the one on pins and needles every second. You will be able to comfort her and yourself without worrying about every meal and snack you have to prepare for her. The time you spend with her will be quality time rather than forced time. She will have a whole team of staff devoted to all of the things you were doing for so long and now you can return to being a calm, loving husband that can be her biggest advocate and supporter.

Keep us posted on how she adjusts and also on how you adjust..which may be even harder than you think.

Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful post. Your words ring so true. I so appreciate everyone's thoughts and will keep you updated on Fern's progress.

With deep appreciation,

-Bill

Joydean

Dear Bill, wishing you well tomorrow. It will be harder on you than Dw as you know. Prayers for both of you. Hope you will take some time to relax and get some very much deserve rest. Do the projects you never had the time to do or complete. Stay in touch when you feel like it.

Ed1937

Bill, I'm glad the initial introduction to the facility went smoothly, and that when you left she had someone to talk to. Hopefully when you talk to her today you will feel a little better knowing that she is in a good place, and you will both benefit from it. I understand that it is very emotional for you, and that is expected. We're all keeping you in our thoughts.

Jeff86

Thanks Bill for sharing your placement day experience.  You express beautifully the very mixed emotions you’re experiencing—all completely understandable. 

I grieved for you and with you as you described your DW’s fear and concern, and you did well to distract her and introduce her to a friendly resident.  

Settling in will be challenging for both of you over the next days and weeks.  Big adjustment.  We have your back.  

White Crane

Thinking about you, Bill, and praying all went smoothly.  I hope you can get some rest.

billS

Oh my gosh I am sitting here crying my eyes out with tears of absolute joy. I texted my contact at the memory care facility to ask how Fern was doing and just got this reply-

"Good morning....she is doing FANTASTIC!!! She is the sweetest. Eating well, accepting care, and socializing. You are more than welcome to call to check in and speak to her anytime."

This is better news than I could have imagined. I will decide whether to call her today or wait until tomorrow. I don't want to contact her too soon and set back her adjustment. I am so relieved!!

M1

That is fantastic news Bill.  So validating....you DID know what was best.   It was an act of love.....

ImMaggieMae

Bill, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It’s so good to hear that Fern in settling in well. I’m sure there are many of us here who will be faced with your situation and Fern’s experiences take away some of the fear we feel. I bet one of the first things you’re catching up on is sleep.

Vitruvius

BillS

I am very glad to see your DW has adapted so well so fast. That must take a huge load off you. This proves you have chosen the right time and the right place. 

I don’t mean to impose but may I ask about the stage of the other residents at her memory care in relation to your DW?  I fear I am facing placement soon. At the MCs I have visited the residents are much older than my DW who is 70. They also seem much more frail and sedentary.  My DW is reasonably fit but is starting to become unstable and has fallen, not from general frailty but from cognitive decline. I’m very afraid that my DW won’t feel she should be there with others like that and she wouldn’t adapt like your DW. 

billS

ImMaggieMae wrote:

.... I bet one of the first things you’re catching up on is sleep.

Boy you got that right. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it has been to fall into bed and not wake up until it's getting light outside. And I've been really enjoying working around the property. I had been craving exercise but taking care of Fern left me with little opportunity.

billS

Vitruvius wrote:

BillS

I am very glad to see your DW has adapted so well so fast. That must take a huge load off you. This proves you have chosen the right time and the right place. 

I don’t mean to impose but may I ask about the stage of the other residents at her memory care in relation to your DW?  I fear I am facing placement soon. At the MCs I have visited the residents are much older than my DW who is 70. They also seem much more frail and sedentary.  My DW is reasonably fit but is starting to become unstable and has fallen, not from general frailty but from cognitive decline. I’m very afraid that my DW won’t feel she should be there with others like that and she wouldn’t adapt like your DW. 

I had the same fears that Fern would look at the other residents and feel she did not belong there. And in fact at the first two places I toured several of the people seemed quite "out of it." The place I chose has five cottages surrounding a common courtyard. Each cottage has only 15 residents, and the particular one that had the vacancy happened to have mostly higher functioning residents or so I was told. Fern is 74 and it looked to me like most residents were similar age or older. Some appeared to be bedridden or just daytime sleepers, but overall most seemed to be enjoying the activities. During good weather they are allowed to walk around the courtyard which has outdoor furniture and nice landscaping. Every afternoon any who are interested are invited to walk around together. That gives staff time to vacuum and clean inside.

NW_Mike

Bill,

I just want to add to so many of the previous replies thanking your for sharing your experiences. I have been away from this forum for a long time as my DW slowly progressed with AD. I just came back today because things are beginning to deteriorate and the first post I happened to see was yours. It was valuable for me as I am currently in the pricing (!!!) and setting up tours of some MC facilities near me. I don't know how far in the future that is for us, but I know I am at the point that I need to be preparing. Your posts were extremely relevant for me and I just wanted to let you know how very much I appreciate you putting your personal experience out here.

I know you have some substantial adjustments to make going forward and I wish you the very best!

Ed1937

Bill, that is one huge win! I'm glad things are progressing that way for both of you.

Joydean

Bill thank you for sharing. It sure sounds like a win and get to do something’s on your property. Glad you were able to get some great sleep!

billS

Thank you everyone for your very kind comments. It is especially comforting to hear that my experiences are helpful to others facing the prospect of placing their loved one. I am trying to decide when I should first phone my wife. I don't want to face uncomfortable questions like, "When will you take me home?" On the other hand since she seems to have adapted so quickly I doubt a call would cause any lasting setback. I might have one of her women friends call her first and report back to me how she seems to be getting along. Or more likely I will be so anxious to hear her voice I will call her in the morning.

Thank you all again, I don't know how a person could manage without such a supportive group as you all.

jfkoc

wonderful updates...thanks for taking the time to let us know how both you and Fern are doing........

billS

Well things seem to be going way better for Fern than I could ever have imagined! I phoned her this morning. I'm not sure if she knew who I was but she sounded very good. She answered the phone with a clear positive tone. I asked her how she was doing and she said she was doing very well, that there were lots of very nice people there, especially the women, and the men were OK but a little standoff-ish (that is probably a good thing!) I asked her if she liked the food and she gave an enthusiastic response, saying oh yes they prepare all the food there in the kitchen and everything is very fresh and delicious.

She had her usual difficulty stammering and finding words but she said there were lots of fun activities and that her room was comfortable. She tried to say something about an issue happening with her room that was a slight problem but that it would be fixed in just a few days, I wasn't able to understand just what she was saying on that. I asked her if she has had any more trouble with vertigo and leaning to one side and she replied that she had not and wasn't sure why it had happened before. I told her that she must be about ready to go brush her teeth after breakfast and she happily replied that yes, "this is perfect timing because that is exactly where I am going next." I signed off wishing her a pleasant day and promised to call again soon. She told me she thought "this is going to work out well."

I can't tell you all how wonderful it is to hear Fern so happy. I never would have imagined this transition going so easily. The disease has robbed her of so much but obviously here sweetness and core strength are still there. I am so relieved!!!

Ed1937

Bill, you can't ask for more than that. I'm happy things are going so smoothly. Huge win!

Jeff86

After all that very understandable anticipation, it’s wonderful to hear how well your DW is adjusting.   Couldn’t be happier for you.   You must be beyond relieved!

Buggsroo

Bill S

That is fantastic news about Fern adapting to her new home. It sounds great, now you can relax a bit, recover and have peace. I am really happy for you.

Joydean

Bill S, it’s wonderful to hear Fern is so happy in her new home and all the friends she is making! I know that has to be a great relief to you. Now it’s time for you to relax and enjoy your time doing the things you want to do. God bless you both!