What happened here today

M1

The Saga continues. I joined the domestic violence club today, which of course changes everything.

We had a nice day yesterday, but I noticed last night that my partner had once again fed the two outdoor cats 24 cans of food in 3 days. So while I have more stashed away, I didn't put it in its normal storage spot. When she asked about it, I just said that I would put some out tonight when it was time to feed them. That didn't suit, she wanted the truck key to go to town and get more. I feigned ignorance, but she escalated as never before, said she would tear my room apart to find it and come after me with a knife if necessary.

Thanks to this forum, I knew how to respond and locked myself in my bedroom, texted our two neighbors, her sister (not local),, and our best friends. The best friends called immediately and were able to distract her a bit, then our neighbors came over. She had by this time gone to the barn searching for extra keys (there aren't any). The neighbor distracted her further and convinced her to eat some lunch and take a pain pill for her back (a standard noon occurrence), and gave her an extra Seroquel dose, which did calm her down for the rest of the day.  Meanwhile I called our doc, out on spring break til Monday, but he'll see her at 11am Monday morning and I suspect psych admission will follow. Our friends are going to help me get her there if she gives me a hard time. And my neighbor is going to put an external lock on my bedroom door while we're gone.

I think she's already forgotten the whole thing. I'm going to continue the higher Seroquel dose through the weekend with no hesitation to call 911 if I need to. But so much for keeping her here any longer, I can't risk it and I can't see a home health aide putting up with anything similar. So sad.

Quilting brings calm

M1-  I’m so sorry that this happened to you.  Your partner sure seems to have declined the last few weeks. I do hope your assumption about a psych admission is true.  Placement is supposed to be easier from a hospital.   Please be cautious this weekend.

Joydean

M1, I am so sorry this is happening for you both. So glad you have neighbors that came to help, that was a blessing. Please take care of yourself over the weekend, stay safe. You and your partner are in my prayers.

Fairyland

M1 that’s terrible.  So sorry!  You knew what to do and did it. Thank heavens for good neighbors.

Pat6177

(((M1))) I’m so glad you went right to your room and locked yourself in and then called for help.  I’m glad your safe. I don’t have any words of wisdom but will keep you and your DP in my prayers this weekend.

jmlarue

This is so gut-wrenching. I know you're devastated that it's come to this. I'm so very sorry that your dreams of keeping your DW home a little longer have been turned upside down. Holding you both in my thoughts and prayers.

ButterflyWings

 Oh no, M1! I’m so glad you had a safe plan and it worked so well.  Yes this changes everything and I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. 

You know I swear by Seroquel for the help it provided to manage my DH’s delusions and hallucinations that led him to weaponing up to protect us against imaginary intruders. Then starting to not recognize me, and that was a sleepless period for me. Not sustainable. Took forever to disappear knives, hammers, garden tools, bats etc. from a tiny property compared to yours. You can’t do that on a farm. He is at 300mg daily now, or I could not keep him at home.

Recently he has had a few instances of swatting my hands or even grabbing my wrist to stop me from helping change wet (soaked) incontinence undies. And the f-bombs plus glimpses of a more threatening DH surfaced. Super pissed at me, no pun intended  I hope his disease doesn’t take us there but it could happen in an instant we know. 

If I recall, your DP is still independent with most ADL’s so at least you can stay out of reach for now. But given the supervision needs, you can’t stay out of sight and mainly it is as you say — too risky with this kind of behavior directed squarely at you. I’m so sorry. I truly hate this disease.

toolbeltexpert

M1 that's a heartbreaking thing and sounds dangerous. Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine. I know about the cat food thing,she's not always happy when I say I fed them. She can also get a little violent, I have had to restrain her from doing any harm to herself and the house. Glad to hear you have a plan b sorry you had to use it.

abc123

I am sad and worried for the both of you. Please stay safe. I’m grateful for your neighbors and friends!

harshedbuzz

M1-

I am grateful you are OK and that you have a team on hand that can assist you, but this is just so sad for you. 

HB

Ed1937

M1, I'm sorry. But you handled the situation perfectly. I doubt I would do that. Consider yourself lucky that you have others you can count on when the chips are down. Being the target of aggressiveness, you have to get help wherever you can get it, whether it's neighbors, family, hospitalization, or placement. I'm sorry you are now dealing with this. Keep us posted.

Jo C.

Dear M, what a stunning thing to have happen; you handled everything perfectly as could be under the circumstances.  I am truly deeply sorry.

It is true, if agitation with actual or very high risk physical aggressiveness has become part of the picture, one would not be able to retain care aides.   If it is the decision that placement is necessary whether permanently or for a short period of time, it will be far easier to place when leaving the GeroPsych Unit.  The psychiatric social worker on the unit can be of assistance in managing the transition dynamics.

How are you, yourself, doing this morning?   I imagine you are on heightened security watch considering the size of the property with so many potential points of risk and complex issues in the mix.  It must be a sad and heavy heartache.

One thing is certain, you are a strong and very capable person; this will carry you in good stead as the new week begins and there is more assistance to be had.  Sure will be thinking of you; let us know how you are.

J.

Battlebuddy

   So sorry M1 . It’s such a scary stage to pass through. I think you are right about an aide not putting up with that. I had an aide who went through the house and asked me to remove all kinds of things that could be weapons or dangerous. Knives of course but also the plates hanging on the wall and glasses . I was surprised there was so much. 

   Unfortunately for you there is just so much stuff that would need to be locked away from someone who has turned aggressive. You would have to lock up the barn and throw all kinds of things in there. Very hard to do if you need to keep going in to take care of animals. 

   I think this is a game changer don’t you think?  Again I’m so sorry you are at that crossroads.  

Pam BH

M1, I'm so sorry things have gotten to this point and am very glad you knew exactly how to handle it. You have a good plan in place and I hope you have a good outcome with the doctor's appointment Monday. It's going to be a long weekend for you, but you are so strong and capable and caring that I know both of you will get through it just fine.  Let us know how you're doing.

David J

M1, I am sorry that things have gotten to this point. Violent behavior is the worst symptom of this terrible disease, even worse than incontinence. The way you handled it was admirable and successful in the moment. I hope you have no more incidents before you can see the doctor on Monday. Over the few years I’ve been on this forum, I have been impressed with your ability to care for your partner AND the farm. No matter how this turns out, you will do the best thing for both of you.

Rescue mom

I am so sorry. It’s such a incredible shock (or was for me) to see that they can/will actually try to hurt you. You did everything right, but as you said, it changes everything….

My DH tried, delusions that made him rage and lash out at me physically. But he’s not very mobile, and slow, (I can get away quick) and it was over, for him, fast. He’d forget the whole thing in an hour.  Seroquel apparently has stopped the delusions, and the rage.

But I still think the shock, or the confirmation? , that he would even try that was much worse than any fear of actual injury. He would have never in a million years done anything like that before Alzheimer’s. But when they do, it changes how you react/handle things with them, or it did for me, which therapist says is common reaction. Virtual PTSD.  I’m certainly more careful now about many things. At least we have people close by, and no farm to manage.

I know you know what you need to do for you and her. But it’s hard when there are no good choices. And you still have the shock of being attacked. Be kind to yourself, no matter what. You are having to deal with an awful situation.

jfkoc

M1...how horrible for both of you. Please update us when you can...you know how much we care and worry.

Marie58

M1, I'm so sorry for this development. You handled it well, though. Praying for your safety this weekend and for some solutions come Monday.

JoseyWales

M1 - I'm so sorry this part of the disease has come to rest at your house. 

DH only pushed me a couple of times, although not very hard. It was obvious he didn't want to, and it was just to let me know he didn't want me close by. But it was scary. I think it was made worse by the fact that he just didn't know who I was at those times. 

I'm glad you have a plan, and I'm thankful for this forum that helped me think through what I might do when those behaviors arrived. 

I hope your doctor helps, and I hope that medicine can be adjust QUICKLY. One thing I learned through all of this is how reluctant the medical community is to use medication and admissions to psych hospitals. 

I'm so happy that you have such a network of support.

Paris20

M1, your story is like a nightmare. I’m sorry it happened. I was reminded of many posts I’ve read here saying we’ll know when our spouse can no longer remain at home. I’ve kept a mental list of those behaviors that I couldn’t tolerate. Number one is DH not recognizing me. Number two is, in fact, #2 incontinence. Number three is verbal violence morphing into physical. One or all of those things going on would be intolerable, at least for me. We never know when it’s going to happen. All we know is that it WILL happen.

Lynne D

Kudos to you for having a plan and a support team! I am sorry you are going through this. As others have said, please keep us posted.

abc123

I'm just checking in to see if you had time for an update AND to remind you how much you are cared for by all of us here. You are both in my heart and in my prayers.

NylaBlue

M1, Your love for your partner and life on the farm are always clear. I’m glad you took immediate action and so sorry it has come to this. Safety for both of you has to be the number one priority.

Stuck in the middle

Sorry, M1.  I know you don't want to do this, but sometimes we have to do things we really hate to keep ourselves safe and to keep the people we love safe.

Jeff86

How totally, distressing, M1.  

You handled the situation with incredible aplomb, and you rapidly mobilized a wonderful support team.   You get an A+ for crisis management.   

Having barely caught your breath, you are faced with big and tough decisions.  It’s clear from your postings that your dear partner’s disease has been progressing, and the current situation has become unsafe for both of you.

We are here for you as evaluate your options.  Please stay safe and let us know how you’re doing.  

M1

I have spent a calm but sleep-deprived and heartsick day.

Yes my network was great in the crisis moment and I am ever so grateful.  Sadly, none of them are in a position to be much help with the day to day slog.  And I'm sure the professional half of my brain took over in the moment, but today I am left with the PTSD-like feeling of trauma and fear.  And exhaustion. And grief.

I didn't try to do anything much today other than entertain her and observe.  The increased Seroquel has worked just fine--maybe too well; I'm fearful that they won't deem her in need of hospitalization on Monday, and then I won't be able to leverage those inpatient resources that are so, so much more powerful than the outpatient ones (which seem to be pretty much nonexistent).  Our local Alzheimer's chapter contact has not answered my email; and I haven't had time to call the Council on Aging, maybe Monday, but the doctor's appointment comes first.  I've packed a bag, in case she does get admitted (sadly that's definitely my preference); and when I went to be sure I had her insurance cards, another moment of chagrin:  I had moved all of them to my wallet several months back for safekeeping, and sure enough, when she went through my wallet last weekend, she had taken them all out and put them back in her purse.  Glad I looked.  Fortunately she swallowed my fiblet about the doctor's appointment without any difficulty--she is due to go in anyway.  

She has no memory now of yesterday's events.  She was calm today; there were a few morning delusions about "other people in the house who were here to do things for me and were not very nice," but that was it.   We watched a couple of movies this afternoon, one of which was kinda surreal:  it was a a comedy/senior citizen fluff piece, I thought, that I picked up at Redbox, called Queen Bees--turns out it is indeed a fluff piece, but it's about a widow who moves to a senior community because she's set her kitchen on fire.  (Pretty unrealistic:  she's forgetful enough to set her kitchen on fire and lock herself out of her house, but she's still an expert bridge player?   Riiight....) Anyway, I was having qualms as we were watching the beginning of it, and the first thing out of my partner's mouth was:  "If I had to live in a place like that I'd kill myself on the first day."  Great:  just what I needed to hear.  We watched Belfast instead.  Which was hard for her to follow, but hey, she's Irish.  She liked it by the end.

One reason we had such a quiet day is again indicative of my being overwhelmed:  the propane tanks are empty, I missed checking the gauges, so to add insult to injury we don't have heat or hot water until Tuesday.  When it rains, it pours.  Or at least the little stuff feels more unmanageable, just because it makes the big wounds hurt more.

I so appreciate all of your support, unimaginably so.  It's a terrible dilemma but not a unique one, I know.   You'd have to know her, but she's lived such an unconventional life; in my heart I have few doubts that moving her off her beloved farm will hasten her death.  But not moving her may hasten mine.  Maybe we can approach a trial run/respite and see how it goes.  

I am fearful of saying anything to the MC place about this incident without some outside advice; expecially if she's not admitted.  I want them to know it's fairly urgent, but I don't want them to not take her because of a threat of aggression towards me.  I think I and the cats were the trigger;s I don't think (but can't say for sure) that she would act this way with anyone else.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness.  Not very coherent at present.

French

M1, I am sorry for you and also admire how you managed with your family, fiends and neighbors. They are precious help and you are lucky to have them. In fact, I think it is not luck, but just that you are worthy.

Ed1937

M1, I wish there were something I could do for you. You said " I'm fearful that they won't deem her in need of hospitalization on Monday, and then I won't be able to leverage those inpatient resources that are so, so much more powerful than the outpatient ones (which seem to be pretty much nonexistent)." Can't you use your medical background to pull a few strings? Just a thought.

I'm really sorry about the propane. But it's not your fault. You simply have too much going on to remember every little thing that should be done. Do you have any type of portable heater? Maybe consider a motel for a couple of days?

Please keep us updated. We're here for you.

DrinaJGB

This was a difficult post to read. I am so sorry this has happened

 . It reminded me of when DH first came home from hospitalizations after the encephalitis. He was so different---violent, combative, delusional. I was in total disbelief that this was my husband. I recall hiding in my closet in fear of him. He injured my back and I have been dealing with that for over a decade.

 When you mention PTSD that is true. You are left reeling and trying to make sense of a terrifying and surreal event or events--from the one person you love and trust the most in life

 . Truthfully, that is the one thing I fear coming around again--and know in my heart that if it does emerge its monstrous head I will no longer be able to handle it---it will be the deal breaker. I still go to sleep sometime and wake up in fear before I realize it was years ago,

Take care and do what you have to do to save your own life.

dj

I

JoseyWales

M1 - I think you're where I was for the last 2 months before placing DH 12 days ago. I decided to just make him happy, and almost nothing else got done. By luck I didn't run out of propane, but I have no idea how much is in that tank. I should probably go check. 

I'm so glad you found all the documents she took. 

I kept repeating to medical professionals, "This is an emergency. I am in crisis. Despite how calm you think I am, I can't handle this any more." I actually wrote down that little speech to remind myself to say it. Because the emergency and crisis were usually suspended when I was talking to anyone that might have been able to help. Most were sympathetic, but very few did anything of value. It might help to practice exactly what you're going to say before you head to the doctor. 

Mint

M1 I am so sorry.  So hope things work out for you soon.