What happened here today

M1

Got the word this morning that we will have a room.  Whew.  Not sure of the exact timeline yet, but anticipate it quickly.  Now medical paperwork to do, assessment, security deposit, all that stuff.  But this is relatively good news, for sure.  Phone conversations are just pitiful at this point, all she wants to do is come home.

Lills

That's wonderful news!

Beachfan

Great news, but now the hard part ( for you) begins.  Stay strong, you can do this.  She will be fine; you will be fine.  Trust me- - you can do this- -it’s for both of you.

Jeff86

M1, I am glad to hear that the sad but necessary plan is coming together.  As hard as this is, you are doing what is inevitable.  The difficult decision has been made for you; now there’s the blocking and tackling that gets it done.

I hope things go as smoothly as possible as you handle the logistics and bureaucracy.   Please have a care for yourself as you meet this awful challenge.

Ed1937

That's good news, M1. I'm thrilled things are finally headed your way. You have had a hard time lately. Everything will be fine.

toolbeltexpert

That is good news M1,  I know that has to be a big relief.

Joydean

Best of luck to you and your dear wife. You can do this for her!

Joydean

Best of luck to you and your dear wife. You can do this for her.

White Crane

M1, that is great news!  This is hard, but you are doing what is best for her...and for you, too. Praying the transition goes smoothly.

abc123

Dear M1,  you are in my thoughts today. Wishing, hoping and praying you will have peace today. Even if just for a moment here and there. Hug the dog for me.

M1

Thanks abc, I am glad you are back home safely.  The dog (Riley) is a good companion, smartest dog I've ever had.

The rhetoric is escalating; she is very impatient, told me today she was going to kill herself if she didn't get out of there soon (duly reported to the nurse and SW).   She'd rather I just shoot her than keep her there.  Very difficult to hear.  The MC folks are supposed to assess her this afternoon.  I think I am going to be in the same kind of situation HB reported with her dad---no way she's going to do this willingly, I'm going to have to tell her it's rehab of some sort, but I have no idea if she'll buy it.   She'll be very suspicious if the room has any of her things in it when she gets there.  Any advice from anyone else whose LO did not go willingly to MC appreciated.  I can hardly stand to talk to her now because I just don't know what to say--the "I'm waiting to hear from the doctors" etc. is wearing quite thin.  Starting to blame me, too, senses that I'm not being straight with her.

Meanwhile got the gates fixed today (yay, makes me feel safer).  the peas and cucumbers and potatoes are planted.  The strawberries and blueberries are blooming; the asparagus should be up soon.

I think it's only going to get harder from here.  I hope to God she doesn't act up to the point that they won't take her.

Quilting brings calm

M1- first, breathe.  Remember that she may say and behave differently with you than with the staff.  She may be behaving  a lot better towards them.  She told you this and you reported it to the staff- had they heard it from her themselves?   The new temporary director at my parents AL just described them to me as ‘ such a sweet couple’.  

Second, it hasn’t been that long since you took her to the ER.  Maybe the medications need tweaked. 

Third- maybe it’s time that you did not communicate directly with her (phone or in person ) for several days.  Ask the director if that would help her adjust better.  Your calls may remind her she’s not at home or that something’s not normal.  My aunt only visited my uncle monthly after a while because  he would get agitated.  He would say that she was  ‘Lois, but not MY Lois’ - because he remembered his wife as a young bride, not the 80 someone  year old woman she was now. 

Jo C.

Hello Dear M1; I have been following and breathed a big sigh of relief on your behalf when reading that you were able to obtain a bed at your facility of choice. 

Use you own gut feelings on whether to put any belongings  in her room prior to her arrival or not.   Each of us has had her or his own experience and each of us and our LOs are different.  You will  know what is best; your instincts will point you in the right direction.  Yep; I did indeed use that "rehab" reason for the transfer.  Actually had an aide with training do some exercise with my LO the first five days or so.  Staff will work with you on the situation as things evolve with the stay after admission.

M; have you thought of not taking all of the phone calls.  I had to do that; it was over the top and of similar nature to what you have been hearing.  What was interesting, that behavior was only with me on the phone - no matter how kind and considerate we are; we too can be triggers for some behaviors. 

It may be helpful to not answer so many calls; and when you do have a call, make an excuse to get off the phone in a few minutes.  Since she is using the facility phone, it may be that you can work with the Supervising RN and get the privileges way down from where they have been.

Depending on your comfort zone, you could even develop a plausible fib such as not being available on some days due to being called for a special project at work as a consulting MD; or attending an important conference, etc.  You get the idea.  I finally did not take all calls, and when I did I tried to keep them short; sometimes used to have to use fibs - I heard the door bell ringing; another call coming in; a pot boiling over on the stove; and whoops . . . got to go, I just spilled a glass of water all over myself . . . then I finally got it and worked with the staff to have calls limited OR let the call go to the answer machine and not take then all and not listen to them and later say I was out or in the shower, etc. if my not answering was brought up. 

This place you find yourself is the most difficult part of the entire process but it will work out.  Our imaginations for the "what if's" can really wreak havoc with us.  Not always a negative thing as that has us thinking of interventions if necessary.  Most of what I imagined did not come to pass.  If you discuss it with them, will the Unit licensed staff or Psychiatrist work with you to tell your partner she needs to go to "Rehab" or awhile?  Perhaps they can help to lessen the impact.   

It may also be that you and she would be best served by your not visiting the new facility every day and not having your visits be very long in duration at the start of the admission.  More fiblets until things even out.

AND . . . how about speaking to the Supervising RN on the GeroPsych Unit as well as the Psychiatrist and letting them know what your partner has been threatening - it may be that her meds need to be tweaked a bit.  Then again, if she is not demonstrating any of this behavior with the Unit staff, it may possibly be that contact with you is triggering the behavior for what type of interaction has worked for her before and she knows how to push buttons a bit.  My LO knew how to do this and I fell for it until I finally realized what was happening.  Took me awhile to get it.

You can do this . . . just need to ensure that your partner is not demonstrationg threatening suicide, or demonstrating noxious behaviors to the Unit staff so that she does not continue that at the new facility which may as you mention create problems. 

Suggestion:  Not having her have free access to a phone at the new place.   She would not be best served with that and it may well hinder her progress if she can continue the phone behaviors ad infinitum.

I truly feel for you and also for your partner.  Will certainly continue to be thinking of both of you. Thank you so much for keeping us up to date letting us know how you are doing, etc.   We worry about our friends when they are in a very difficult situation.

J.

Phoenix1966

I also went with the “rehab” route, which the MC staff was very willing and able to support. Initially, I didn’t plan on bringing too many things that I thought my grandmother might recognize to her room, but she was also at a stage that she didn’t remember every piece(she was a hoarder, so there was a lot of stuff I could use to fill up her room that she didn’t realize was hers). I planned on bringing favorite items later. 

And, at the suggestion of the hospital and the MC staff, I didn’t call her for a few days to let her get settled first(she wasn’t able to use a phone any longer, so she couldn’t call me despite the phone in her room). 

You can do this. 

JJAz

Her:     Let's go to this bed and breakfast for the weekend.

Him:   OK

------- one week later ---------------

Him:  This is no darn* bed and breakfast

Ed1937

M1, I'm sorry it has gotten to be so difficult. Like someone suggested, it might be a good idea to stay away for a few days, giving her time to adjust to her new environment. I really don't have anything to say except that you know we're here for you.

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Jo C.

M1; I am providing an excellent, very detailed writing from Illinois Cares re admission of a LO to a care facility; it has multiple chapters on various topics beginning with information for prior to admission, first day of admission; and then onward - SO much more.  Thought you may pick up me good input as could other Members reading this Thread who are facing similar situations.  At the bottom of each page is the prompt to get to the next chapter.

While the information mentions, "mother,"  simply change thought to spouse, partner, sibling, etc. as the name fits.  Sure wish I had seen this before my first experience with such dynamics.

http://www.illinoiscares.org/book/chapter01

One foot in front of the other is the only way we can go when facing such an undesired and difficult situation..  Remember in your heart; you are not abandoning her.  You are still her loving partner, her advocate and her caregiver; just in a necessary different sort of way that is bringing much needed safety in a variety of ways for both of you.

J.

Jo C.

Whoops, forgot to  mention; though there is a lot of good information in the link, there will also be a lot that will not be pertinent to your LOs situation as her condition has other special needs. 

J.

M1

Thanks Jo.

She is now being obnoxious to the nurses (called one a B* yesterday), which is only going to shoot herself in the foot.  But the SW told me the assessment with the MC folks went well.  I haven't heard back otherwise.  They are thinking about putting her on an SSRI for anxiolytic effect, which is fine by me.  The psychiatrist is supposed to call me tomorrow.  I bet she's bought herself at least another week there if not more.  I'm begging off phone calls and they are supposed to be restricting her access more.  Today was a good excuse,  big storm coming.

Maybe I'll start a new thread tomorrow, this one is getting so long.

Jo C.

(New Thread a good idea, this one is getting slow to get on due to length.)

 Good that the meds are going to be adjusted.

I am sure you know this, but just a reminder: whenever an SSRI is going to be prescribed, be SURE no one in her genetic family has Bipolar Disorder.   Antidepressants, especially the SSRIs, can trigger a Bipolar Disorder breakthrough that has not been seen before.  ( If she had been diagnosed with BPD herself, an SSRI would in all probability, be contraindicated.)

Some literature has also addressed that if there are any mental health condition diagnoses in the genetic family, it is best to not use SSRIs as BPD often goes undiagnosed/missed in diagnosis and some mental health conditions will have a dual diagnosis and that can be missed.

If  she has none of that in her family background, then the field is clear and I so hope it helps and also brings her some relief from what she has been feeling even before she got to GeroPsych.

Sleep well and peacefully tonight; you have been able to secure a bed at the preferred care facility, the intake interview went well, meds are going to be adjusted, you have planted your garden, and all that needs attention appears to be moving forward.  You have worked hard to achieve it all and have done and are doing well.  Sweet dreams . . .

J.