Dementia and Dating

FTDCaregiver

Ok, just going to be straight-forward here.  I've made the decision to get out and date again, find that special someone I can be with moving forward with.  I'm exhausted caring my LO who's essentially a 6 yr. old at this point. I'm still in my mid-50s and don't want to continue on this way without a mate whom I can really connect with as for me, its simply not healthy.  Anyway, I really interested in hearing from others who've thought about this, particularly those who've made the jump to dating.  Don't need advice, just stories please and your experiences with thinking about and those who dated.  I'm taking care of details to assure I'm still caregiving for her and not abandoning her.  Met a few ladies already, I can definitely tell its a tough conversation when it gets to getting around the topic of my wife. Look forward to hearing from others out there.  Thanks.

Rescue mom

I have not, but I know several caregivers who had relationships with another person, after their spouse was “lost” to dementia. I heard nothing but support and “good for them” from others, who knew the spouse was no longer functional and was well cared for. 

Of course the “other person” knew about the LO with dementia, but I do not know (and not my business) how they handled details. I personally don’t have the energy or interest. Good for you if you do!

Rick4407

Well, a couple of years ago, 3-4, I thought about it.  But never had the courage to do much.  Now my own limitations have caught up with me.  At your age I'd be looking seriously at that.  There's probably lots of time left for you to find someone and have some great adventures.  My current DW and I got married when she was 63 and I was 60.  We traveled and made lots and lots of memories for 6-7 years, though she has now lost them all.  Good Luck!  Rick

ButterflyWings

Well, I am at the stage of "who has time" and "why would I ever again...? But it may be due to the over the top, down in the trenches hands on caregiving load I am just so overwhelmingly exhausted with. I just don't have the energy or interest thus would not be a good candidate AT ALL, to seek a romantic relationship or even close friend of the opposite sex (no benefits), lol.

However, I say "to each his/her own", and surely do believe that you deserve happiness and a chance for a new relationship whenever you feel ready. This is up to each person, I believe. As a dementia spouse, I know all too well that it feels like being a widow or widower even while our PWD LOs are still technically "here". 

To wait indefinitely, "until"... to pursue possible new love...I don't think I would require that of myself nor would my pre-AD DH expect it. Would absolutely want to ensure he is always well cared for though. I can see [that] a new relationship at some point, is like also making sure the caregiving spouse is a priority...and is not sacrificed to this horrible disease if they become ready for a new love before their late stage PWD LO passes away. I wish you all the best.

Bill_2001

Late 50s here. Nope nope nope. Never again. I am looking forward to freedom someday. Last thing I want is another trap.

Scooterr

I truly love my wife with all my heart, but I'm also in my late, late 50's.  After this , stick a fork in me I'm done.  I'll settle for my motorcycle. If I live though this.

Joe C.

I made a decision a while ago that I would date again but set some self imposed guidelines on when I could proceed with dating. I would not date while/until: 1. DW might be aware or hurt by my actions. 2. I was a full time caregiver as I do not think I could have the time/energy for another relationship. 3. I could be totally honest & transparent to family & friends about what I was doing.

About 6 months ago I placed DW and decided it was time to give dating a try. I first asked out a longtime friend (my friend not my wife’s). We went out a few times but it was apparent that she was not interested in a romantic relationship with me, but we have continued seeing each other and an excellent  platonic relationship has developed. This friend encouraged me to date other women and a few weeks ago I decided to try online dating. I was totally transparent about my situation in my online profile. I have had a two women reach out to me stating they understood my situation based on their life experience. I have swapped phone calls and/or text messages with these women, wether these communication will lead to a date or more remains to be seen. I will however continue to looks for opportunities to meet someone who could understand and accept my situation and hopefully find a new relationship.

Crushed

DW is my responsibility and was the love of my life.  I accept that she is no longer my wife in any factual human way.  Whoever she was is gone. and is not coming back.  It is almost 4 years since she had the slightest idea who I was.  

 My two daughters are 100% supportive  with a single rule NOBODY UNDER 50
They both told me I was also an intellectual snob who had never dated any but the most brilliant girls.  The reality for me is that DW is a hard act to follow.  I asked her to marry me 50 years ago this Christmas.  Ladies I know tell me that I am the most married guy they ever met.

I ll go to dinner with anybody.  I love company and conversation. I make a stab at being interested but I just don't feel the magic.  Maybe at this age you don't get magic  

I have videos of DW back to 1983 when our daughter was born and photos from even earlier.  The memories are incredibly strong.  
 I cook for the ladies I know.  I do enjoy that.   The joke is that I can do everything for myself except put a band aid on the bottom of my foot.      
 
 Maybe magic comes maybe not

CStrope

I'm also in my late 50's, but DH is not yet to the stage where I could consider having any type of relationship with another male.  That being said.....I do think about those days with great anticipation!  Maybe when the day comes and I'm able to act on those thoughts I'll have a different frame of mind, but for now, it's only a "what if" for the future.

dayn2nite2

Two things stop me cold:  1) Current exhaustion.  2) The fact that I could end up with a person who develops this same or similar disease and I would end up THEIR caregiver.  

No.  I am done after this.  D-O-N-E.

jfkoc

I think that the magic is a onetime thing for me too. Dick and I were together beginning with our first date. The bonding only increased over the years despite difficult times....it still exists. 

What I would love now is for  gentleman to put his arm around my shoulder, take my hand occasionally, say I look beautiful, dance a waltz with, enjoy a cold drink with out on the porch. Someone to share memories with...who has lived a full life with its' ups and downs.  Someone to be quiet with.

Not magic but comfortable for a woman of my years. If I were younger I feel certain I would want more...lol

Marie58

When ever this topic comes up, I think nope, not me. First of all, I don't think anyone could measure up to my DH. I also have that fear of becoming a caregiver for someone in the future if he develops dementia. I just can't do it again. However, DH has been in MC for one and a half years now and I'm truly lonely sometimes. Family and a handful of close friends are great, but not the same. Never say never, but I'm 99.9% sure I'll be single forever if I outlive DH. (I'm early 60's) Best wishes to you, FTDCaregiver in whatever you decide is best for you.

Stuck in the middle

Date and marry are not the same.  

My FIL was widowed at 71 and developed a close personal relationship with a widow he had known for many years.  He took her to lunch, spent the afternoon with her, and took her home.  Her daughter lived next door to her house and gave her whatever help she needed, and his daughters helped him.  They loved each other but weren't responsible for one another.  What they did about sex was their business; I didn't ask and he didn't tell.

I don't want another wife if I outlive DW.  I don't want a dog.  I'm not even sure I'll keep the houseplants.  But I might be available for dinner.

June45

To quote Bill_2001: "Nope, nope, nope."  I will never, ever remarry. I don't want the to end up being a caregiver again and if I were the one who needed a caregiver, I don't want to put them through hell. But I would like to have a good friend with whom to travel and do social things, something that has been missing from my life for a decade now.

Colt99

The film "23 Walks" deals with this subject.  Food for thought.

Jeff86

In my sixth year of caregiving, and with DW not knowing my name or our relationship, I think about this.  If nothing else, the sheer loneliness of the spouse/partner caregiving experience makes me long for meaningful connection.  And, at age 65, I’d like to believe, as the Monty Python line goes, I’m not dead yet.

I conceptualize this as having three elements.  One is emotional availability—is there room in my head and my heart for another relationship, while my DW is both there and not there?  I still love her, deeply, but differently.  Is there space for something else? The second is pragmatic.  Even if I were ready to, I can’t just go out on a dinner date.   Would have to arrange for an aide for the evening, as DW cannot be left alone.  That could happen, as an occasional one-off, but not for something ongoing.  This issue is not a concern for those who have placed their LO in a MCF.

And then there is the issue of finding dates.  Somehow, I don’t imagine that a guy who’s still married, with a very dependent spouse, will be seen as a great catch.

So, maybe, at whatever point placement occurs, if it does. That’d address the second issue, and perhaps partially the first.

As hard as it has been and is to witness my DW’s suffering, I don’t want the fear of a future partner’s care needs to shut off the possibility of a future loving relationship.  To be determined….

Kenzie56

I understand everyone is different and we all are living a very isolated life as caregivers. I do think I would probably think differently if I were in my 50s...but I am at the stage that I just try hard to make it through each and every day as a caregiver in my 60s. (I feel sometimes like I am in the movie Ground Hogs Day) Not only do I bathe, shave, dress, dispense pills, lock all doors, feed and watch after DH 24/7...my senior dogs need the same kind of care.  (I even have pill boxes for them) After all of this, I don't even think I could care for any indoor plants!  I daydream about caring only for myself.  I am sure I will soften, but for now I am just so exhausted, I can't imagine being a caregiver ever again. That is my biggest fear - reliving this nightmare.

toolbeltexpert

I guess I have thought about it more than once. But all the other stuff, could I live long enough, would I always compare to dw, ect,ect. So much other stuff that would lead me to say probably not. But I like sitm's idea. A good meal out would always be good. And I would probably let the plants go.

DrinaJGB

After 12 years of this caregiver role with so many ups and downs and so much isolation, I have fantasized about actually having a dinner out with a friend or hearing some great live music, or a walk in nature or the beach---with no strings attached. This is a lonely and exhausting role to be in.

  I have no desire to get mixed in with anything emotional ever again. I simply do not have the energy any longer.I could never have imagined this endless nightmare in a million years. I long, however, to hear a kind voice from someone who might seemingly understand my situation and not bolt.

I have felt all these years I  have constructed a protective wall around my heart and was "comfortably numb".

  I still feel that way to a certain extent, but I was surprised a few months ago when an attractive man was actually flirting with me. It took me aback when I felt a spark of a long-ago sensation that jarred my memory of the person I used to be before all of this.And then the reality kicked in ---what would others think if I actually responded?

As Shakespeare said "Then how can it be said that I am alone--when all the world is here to look on me?"

RNS

I have longed for a friend to have dinner with, ask me about my day, laugh with, etc.  My counselor has even suggested that it is ok to date.  I share many of your fears about having to care for another with this horrible disease.  I think dating is fine.  I do not know how that would ever be possible here until LO is placed.  I have learned to never say never, but I don't feel I will every remarry.  I am 68 and would love to someday have a male friend and feel like I'm living again.  Until then, I will carry on one day at a time.

CaringMate

I am going to come at the concept of dating from a slightly different perspective than those who have already responded.  I was a 24/7 caregiver for my life partner who had FTD.  For ten years I did everything, including his job, so that we could survive financially.  I was one person operating from two heads and the word exhaustion is the understatement of the century. I also suffer from PTSD from having my life threatened every day from my not so loving partner.  I am 3 years out since his death and still can't even consider the possibility of dating or developing a relationship with another man.  Like others have said, my days of caregiving are over and in my mind, it would be unfair to get involved with another person knowing that you could never give to the relationship what would be necessary.  I think most women look deeper into the core of a relationship than men (sorry guys!) and I know for myself that I would not be able to invest myself in another person's needs.  I am having a hard enough time just caring for myself! Friends have suggested that I am still young and active and should "put myself back out there" but I see it differently.  I will never be able to give that fully again, never love that strongly again, or ever be as devoted to his well being, again.  This disease has left me less than a whole person and it would be unfair and unwise to another to let them think or believe that I could be the woman that they need.  So while the concept of dating and being able to share what is left of our lives with another sounds appealing and reasonable, the reality is a different matter.  For me, anyway, it would take someone who was willing to share their life with half a person for this to happen.  Not likely in today's world...

DrinaJGB

Caring Mate--Exactly. I have felt for a very long time now that I left myself someplace and simply cannot recall where. Not much of me is left now.

Gig Harbor

My fear would be getting involved with someone and eventually having the relationship become serious. If something serious happened to the person I wouldn’t want to begin caregiving again but I would feel horrible walking away. I just know that I never want to take on someone’s problems or become responsible for anyone again if they are not family. I would love to expand my network of friends and have people to go to events, trips and dinners with but I would just want to keep it at a friend level.

CaringMate

Drina...fulltime caregivers who have lost their spouses are the walking wounded.  This is true mostly for those of us who provided care directly and did not utilize placement in a facility.  It is unrealistic for others to understand the devastation that comes as a result of 24/7 care over the course of what could be a decade or more.  It diminishes your soul, destroys your spirit and leaves you empty in ways few can understand.  While the desire might be there to be able to once again share your life with another, the reality of what that takes is lost to many of us.  It's not a matter of how much and how strong our love was for our loved one that leaves us impaired, it is just an intrinsic fear based on our experience that leaves us paralyzed at the thought that this could happen to another in the course of a new relationship. I find myself in the camp with those who speak to not wanting to care for even a plant let alone another person.  Those feelings are in direct contrast to who I have been my entire life and are very disconcerting to me.  Maybe someday these feelings will resolve, but for now and the immediate future I will remain alone.  What's left of my heart goes out to all of us who had to take this horrific journey and try to survive.

Scooterr

Scooterr wrote:

I truly love my wife with all my heart, but I'm also in my late, late 50's.  After this , stick a fork in me I'm done.  I'll settle for my motorcycle. If I live though this.

    Ok after reading some of the post, I have to admit being a caregiver is a lonely world. It would be nice  just to conversate or have coffee, with  a lady who could understand what it's like to be a caregiver. Definitely no commitment, no strings just a friend to talk too.

elainechem

My hubby died two years ago of Alzheimer's. I've missed male companionship SO much! But that sayimg, "All the good ones are taken," is very true. I've had a handful of first dates, but that's it. I'm 63. I hate the thought of being alone for another 20-30 years, but it seems likely that I'll never remarry. I go to support group meetings as often as I can. I can talk with widowers in their 80s. At least they understand what I've been through.

Crushed

elainechem wrote:

My hubby died two years ago of Alzheimer's. I've missed male companionship SO much! But that sayimg, "All the good ones are taken," is very true. I've had a handful of first dates, but that's it. I'm 63. I hate the thought of being alone for another 20-30 years, but it seems likely that I'll never remarry. I go to support group meetings as often as I can. I can talk with widowers in their 80s. At least they understand what I've been through.

It is very true that there is a gender imbalance. 
But just for fun I did have a  "drink date" with a woman  who turned out not only to have the same Irish last name but whose family came from the same area of Ireland.  We are unquestionably relatives though I don't know how close.  So I just added her and her sister to my family

 

Vitruvius

I don't think I'll ever date in Stage 8. What women is going to accept having to successfully complete the Clock Test on our first meeting and every three months thereafter?  

I'd probably require her to pass the whole MMSE, MoCA and successfully describe the Cookie Thief picture as well...regularly!

 And what would I do if she didn't pass?

Tucsonbirder

Thank you for your post and your forthrightness.  I will be the same.  I have begun dating, having placed DH in memory care one year ago.  I can honestly say that it has saved my sanity and my ability to be patient and compassionate with him.  Both of these were seriously in danger prior to placement.  I kept him home for abut 7 years.  I am now 71 and he is 85. I am healthy and youthful.  I was feeling that my remaining "good years" were disappearing and my life had become narrow and confining.  When I turned 70, I decided I couldn't do this anymore, and wanted to have a life of interest AND affection.  I have met men through on-line dating, and am always honest from the start.  Everyone has been very accepting and understanding.  I have gotten no criticism.  Of course, having him in MC is what makes this possible.  I wouldn't be able to do it with him still hat home.  But I have no guilt nor regrets.  I am able to visit with him, oversee his care, advocate for him and assure he is as content as possible, but I am not sacrificing my physical or mental health.  I am experiencing enjoyment, closeness, and hope for the future.  This decision is not for everyone, but it is for me.  Best of luck to you.

Gig Harbor

I ran into a couple in their early 80’s. They both lost their spouses to Alzheimer’s three years ago, met and married quickly. Maybe they were brave enough to jump in since neither had signs of dementia by their late 70’s whereas their spouses were affected at around age 70. Still it take a lot of guts to do it again. Even if you don’t marry, being in a relationship for years still would make me feel responsible for staying.

ButterflyWings

Vitruvius wrote:

I don't think I'll ever date in Stage 8. What women is going to accept having to successfully complete the Clock Test on our first meeting and every three months thereafter?  

I'd probably require her to pass the whole MMSE, MoCA and successfully describe the Cookie Thief picture as well...regularly!

 And what would I do if she didn't pass?

Hahaha—you read my mind! It is hilarious (and sad) but totally serious. I would absolutely have to do this but can you imagine? lol They’d think I was a little (or a lot) weird.