Dating while still married and caring for my wife

Dan Hoffman

I've been taking care of my wife for the last six years, and moved her into a memory home three months ago.

I'm ready to move on with my life and start dating.

I met a woman, but she's concerned I'm still married.

I know there are other people out there successfully dealing with this situation.

And I've even seen articles of famous people, living with their new girlfriend and with their dementia wife, in harmony, all at the same time.

Can anyone point me to any online articles that I can share that this is a normal and acceptable practice in our crazy dementia world?

Thanks,

Dan

Jo C.

Google.

jfkoc

Her concerns may be broader in scope  than you or maybe she realize. 

I do not think that I would become involved with a person who has a dying spouse. I would not openly choose to walk with someone in their grief.

jmlarue

Are you looking for a "friend with benefits" relationship or are you thinking about finding your next wife? The hard part is finding that friend who isn't looking for an exclusive commitment - i.e. just waiting for your wife to die so you're free to marry again. And, really, following the dementia experience, there's an awful lot of us who'd never risk going down that road again. I'm one of those.  I think the biggest deterrent to me dating would be the need to be infinitely discreet. Our children, other relatives, and even some of our friends would not understand or agree with my need to move on before my DH was gone. Maybe you don't have that kind of baggage. It is something I would have serious misgivings about.

dayn2nite2

Instead of trying to talk someone into going past a personal boundary, why don’t you respect her feelings on the subject and find someone who doesn’t care?

These articles you speak of are fantasy or there is a little more to the story (B. Smith’s husband comes to mind and the girlfriend left him). 

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Gig Harbor

Years ago Dr. Laura used to call the first person you dated after a relationship ended the bandaid. You are injured and you put a bandaid on the wound. After you heal you pull the bandaid off and go on with your life. The lady seems to want more than you can give and maybe she does not want to be the bandaid. She may want someone who does not have so much baggage. Maybe focus on a woman who is willing to accept you where you are at now rather than trying to change this woman’s feelings.

Iris L.

B Smith's book is called "Before I Forget".

Iris

Jeff86

You may need to be clearer, in your own mind at least, what you mean when you say you’re ready for dating.  Does that mean companionship?  Sex?  A long term relationship or future spouse?  Something else? Whatever it is, an article citing an unusual example of this kind of relationship or arrangement is unlikely to be sufficient to persuade a woman with concerns about moving forward with you. I think if you want to pursue this, you may fare better with someone who accepts the constraints of your circumstances.

Just Bill

Reverse the situation. How enthused would you be if the woman you started going out with has a husband in a MCF ? No judgement but look at the situation from her perspective. I know when this mission is over for me I am going to need to retreat to my fortress of solitude for a while to recover. I know I'll be a mess emotionally for a while. The last thing on my mind would be building a relationship with another person. There would be way too much compromise. After this I'm going to need to be selfish for a while. During my healing process I wouldn't want to put any body through any unnecessary drama. Some women are attracted to drama, it takes all kinds. If you are ready and she knows what she is in for, go for it. You are old enough you don't need anyone's approval but your own. Having a spouse in MCF is a hard sell for a prospective new girlfriend though. Unless she is really special then you don't have to sell her on the idea.

Dio

I second everything Just Bill said.

Stuck in the middle

I think it will be easier to find a woman who is willing to date married men than to persuade your prospective GF that adultery is a "normal and acceptable practice."

Dan Hoffman

Thanks for all the great replies to date. I guess I should have elaborated a little more on my situation. I've been in support groups for years and I've seen spouses move on after placing their loved one in a home, and start dating, for companionship. Successfully. 

I assumed that some day I would be ready to look for love again, probably when my spouse can no longer recognize me.

But then I got surprised, I met someone when I wasn't looking (nor was she).

I'm not looking for a hook-up (nor is she), I'm looking for the companionship that I've been starved of for years. I wasn't ready for this to happen.

Yes, I'm in therapy, and can certainly talk all about what this means,  is it grief, band-aid,... I'm certainly trying to keep my head on straight.

But the truth is, it does work for some people.

I was looking for the B. Smith and Dan Gasby article.

https://people.com/food/b-smith-husband-dan-gasby-has-girlfriend/

And I understand that Dan's girlfriend has since left him. And they caught tons of flak from others. I'm not concerned about the flak. To me that's just ignorance. There are so many beautiful stories where it does work.

I have no illusion that sharing a story is going to make it ok with my new friend. Either it's right for us, or it's not, and only time will tell. But I'm at the point where I'd love to collect these true love stories that are out there.

FriendinCalifornia

Hi Dan,
I can’t offer any articles other than those you’ve probably already found, but I can share my perspective as a potential third-party member in such a situation. I just sent you a connection invite.

-Friend

Paris20

We’re all looking for an escape from the seemingly endless horrors of dealing with this miserable disease, a release from all of it. And yes, we are sometimes lonely, missing the affection, emotional and physical, that a loving relationship brings. All I can say is to tread carefully. You have been through a great deal of emotional pain. None of us remains unchanged by this experience. We are not the same people we were before all this happened. We are grieving the loss of a spouse even before death. We want some joy in our lives. We’re entitled to a little happiness. Still, we all need to be careful about where and how we find it.

harshedbuzz

Dan Hoffman wrote:

Can anyone point me to any online articles that I can share that this is a normal and acceptable practice in our crazy dementia world?

I am sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. 

I suspect this is like any relationship situation in which the other person has reservations about whether to proceed further or not. Yes, some people do find themselves in a relationship at a time when their partner is no longer a participant in the marriage-relationship, but it's a stretch to define it as normal is normal means what "the standard" or "what is typically done". Most folks here or in my local support group don't date. 

I personally would not judge so long as your wife is cared for, but others might. For your potential girlfriend, the risk/benefit ratio may be such that the prospect of being "the other woman" to some not worth it. Or she may want more in a relationship than you are able to offer at the moment and isn't willing to settle for less. 

Crushed

Stuck in the middle wrote:

I think it will be easier to find a woman who is willing to date married men than to persuade your prospective GF that adultery is a "normal and acceptable practice."

Can you be a little more judgemental and cruel?  I have a marriage De Jure but not de Facto

I would be entitled to a divorce in Maryland just by asking for it.
So who made you the judge of marriage? 

  

MaryG123

She sounds very special Dan.  If I were you I think I would be patient, have whatever kind of relationship she is willing to give, and enjoy it.  Don’t push or try to convince her, just give it time.

Ed1937

Dan, I read your post several times, and I'm not sure why you wrote it. Are you looking for someone to give you "permission" to pursue something like that? While you are in a community where people understand what loneliness is, and they might understand why someone would want to do that, I don't think most will tell you it's the right thing to do. They also likely will not tell you it is not the right thing for you. You have to face the guy in the mirror. If you like what you see, go for it. If not, forget it.

"Can anyone point me to any online articles that I can share that this is a normal and acceptable practice in our crazy dementia world?" Just because you can find an article like that does not mean this is a normal and acceptable practice in dementia world. Trying to convince her with an article like that would seem pretty underhanded to me, and probably to her too. Just be careful.

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eaglemom

I tend to agree with Ed, why did you post this? Were you just seeing what other's would say so you could defend your position on this situation? I just don't understand it at all. That right there probably tells you my stance on this idea.

If you've been in support groups have you asked for their opinions?

eagle

June45

Stuck, I wanted to "stick" up for you. I do not think your post was judgmental or cruel as one poster suggested.  I read your post entirely different and I think Victoria expressed pretty much what I took from it.

Victoria posted: "And I agree with Stuck, if one believes in not straying that's their code, and it should be respected; if someone doesn't have a problem because of their approach to marriage, theirs or others, that's their thing. If their view of their own marriage changed, that's their thing."

My husband has passed on after 10 years of caregiving, so this is not an issue for me now. But when he was alive, I could never have dated nor even entertained the thought of it...I don't care how far along he was in the disease.  It is not in my "moral code".  But I am not going to define or judge someone else's moral code. I am not the Judge.  Each one has to decide for themselves.

Norm 22

DW in memory care for 5 months. Unless someone has walked this walk it will be difficult for them to understand the caregiver / spouse experience.

RGF

My mother in law was the kindest most loving woman who loved her spouse of 60+ years  to pieces.  She had taken care of her husband  with Alz for 7 years then had to place him in memory care.  2 years into my marriage, mother in law asked me if I thought it would be ok for her to Have a relationship and or date.  I thought it was a trick question and told her I thought marriage was for life. ie I would never dump her son, my new husband, like  his last wife did. 

I have regretted my knee jerk answer for 23 years.   I wish I would have said yes, keep living life knowing you loved your husband and are doing everything so he has excellent care.

One person has Alzheimer’s not both people.  Once in memory care, A caregiver has to continue to live life.   

Now my husband has Alz and I can’t imagine having a relationship but with him yet I know I have to continue my life so I can be strong for him, before memory care or after.  He’d have it no other way.

Iris L.

Crushed wrote:

Stuck in the middle wrote:

I think it will be easier to find a woman who is willing to date married men than to persuade your prospective GF that adultery is a "normal and acceptable practice."

Can you be a little more judgemental and cruel?  I have a marriage De Jure but not de Facto

I would be entitled to a divorce in Maryland just by asking for it.
So who made you the judge of marriage? 

  

Everyone has a right to an opinion.  Why did the OP post, he knew what he was asking was problematic.  Personally, I was offended but I didn't respond.  My ex-husband abandoned me and took up with another woman. Things did not go well for him.  I told him he would never find another  woman like me.  He later told me I was right.  Even with my memory loss, I was a great wife for him.  As anyone can tell, I am still here, memory loss and all.  Every day of I think how we could have been living our golden years together.  But that was not to be.                              

Iris

ImMaggieMae

I agree with Ed, Stuck and Iris. Why did you post the question here? Advice on dating other women or convincing them that it’s ok to do so while your wife is suffering from dementia is totally inappropriate on a forum sharing advice on caregiving. There are probably plenty of forums on the intricacies of hookups and dating on the internet. Google it.

Joydean

I went back and reread your post. I agree with Ed, Stuck, Iris, Maggie May, and several others. Some things you said and didn’t say how me concerned. You said you took care of your wife for 5 years. Did you care for her by yourself 24/7 or did you have help? My main question is you said “when she no longer knows who I am “, so your wife still knows who you are. Are you planning on telling her about your “girlfriend “?  Ed is right, only you have to face the guy in the mirror!

Quilting brings calm

You are not the only person to post a question about dating while your spouse is still alive.  However every one that I have seen that posted about it is male.  My advice to you is the same as I’ve said to the others.   Why don’t you just join sone groups that interest you, make some friends, male  and female.  There are people  here who enjoy the company of friends of the opposite sex, but they aren’t looking for a romantic relationship.  

As a female, I would not date a man who had a wife in MC or NH, because I already know that time that still needs devoted to their spouse.  I would be friends with one though. Truthfully, if my spouse ( not dementia, but other health issues), dies before  me, I don’t intend to ever date   I just don’t have the desire to do so.  

Stuck in the middle

Crushed, I am not judging anyone and I am not pretending to be an expert on marriage.  I am (helpfully) suggesting that finding a woman who doesn't mind his marriage would be more productive than asking us how best to seduce a woman who doesn't date married men.  It's called practical advice.

Crushed

Iris L. wrote:

Crushed wrote:

Stuck in the middle wrote:

I think it will be easier to find a woman who is willing to date married men than to persuade your prospective GF that adultery is a "normal and acceptable practice."

Can you be a little more judgemental and cruel?  I have a marriage De Jure but not de Facto

I would be entitled to a divorce in Maryland just by asking for it.
So who made you the judge of marriage? 

  

Everyone has a right to an opinion.  Why did the OP post, he knew what he was asking was problematic.  Personally, I was offended but I didn't respond.  My ex-husband abandoned me and took up with another woman. Things did not go well for him.  I told him he would never find another  woman like me.  He later told me I was right.  Even with my memory loss, I was a great wife for him.  As anyone can tell, I am still here, memory loss and all.  Every day of I think how we could have been living our golden years together.  But that was not to be.                              

Iris

Of course it's an "opinion"  But some "opinions" are cruel and judgemental e.g. calling someone a "fat ugly stupid cow " is "opinion".  That is why nice folks routinely try to keep such opinions to themselves.  Plus its only "problematic" to those who hold certain opinions and believe that their opinion is reality.  

My lovely loving wonderful wife knew that I met Julie Andrews when I was 19 and she burned a hole in my head.  I told her before we got married that  if Julie called and invited me to a wild weekend I would go.   She was willing to take that risk.  It became such a part of family lore that for our 40th anniversary our kids gave us "an evening with Julie" at the local concert hall.  they did buy the absolute last row  seats in the house and told me to take binoculars.

  

  

Crushed

Stuck in the middle wrote:

Crushed, I am not judging anyone and I am not pretending to be an expert on marriage.  I am (helpfully) suggesting that finding a woman who doesn't mind his marriage would be more productive than asking us how best to seduce a woman who doesn't date married men.  It's called practical advice.

If you had phrased it this way I would have made no comment
 
As a comparison I routinely state "you need an elder care lawyer yesterday" 

I do not add comments that go to moral worth or intelligence