Dating while still married and caring for my wife

Marta

 My husband developed EOAD in his fifties. I was also in my fifties. Five years after diagnosis, he entered MC, not knowing me.

Months later, by happenstance, I met and fell in love with a mental health counselor (not mine), and pastor, with whom I shared a common language. My husband continued his decline in MC.

Eight months after we met, my new friend was diagnosed with glioblastoma. Tumor debulking resulted in left-sided paralysis and subsequent care in ECF’s. The last six weeks of his life I cared for him in my home, as his 28 year old son OD’d just as his father was being discharged to his care.

I buried father and son.  Funerals were attended by my friend’s many friends and patients. Never did I get a hint of judgment from anyone who was aware of my situation. My family attended the funerals.  On the other hand, I was not interested in anyone else’s opinion about this situation.  

Both my husband and my friend are gone.  I have no regrets. 

Bill_2001

Wow, this is a popular thread!

Personally, I would offer up a big fat NO to either side of the equation, with no judgement towards other people's decisions in this situation.

What I crave more than anything right now is FREEDOM. Dating, another relationship, or eventually another marriage is the absolute last thing I believe I would ever want again. Risk being a caregiver again? NO.

And I would not date a caregiver either. I have served my time (and still serving), and I just want to mitigate the risk of ever falling into this web again. NO.

But no judgement intended. Loneliness is real, and I feel its pain every day. But an even greater pain for me is simple lack of freedom and autonomy. Lately I am having flashbacks to my care-free, pre-marriage 20s, and I frequently daydream about having that freedom again someday.

I would not even date someone providing care for their own parents, let alone a spouse. After this protracted, hellish nightmare, stick a fork in me - I am DONE.

Crushed

"Extra marital" is another one of those judgmental phrases that can be thrown in someone's face.  The problem is who is the judge of whether marriage de jure or defacto  is involved
Some folks just can't get way from a purely legalistic idea of marriage

 

  

Ed1937

Crushed wrote:

"Extra marital" is another one of those judgmental phrases that can be thrown in someone's face.  The problem is who is the judge of whether marriage de jure or defacto  is involved
Some folks just can't get way from a purely legalistic idea of marriage

So I'm assuming you gave RM an "F"? Be careful folks. You're liable to lose any scholarship you might have planned on.

 

  

Care4Mom2

Something bothers me about this post…. As others have mentioned, I don’t know why it is posted in the first place.

The big thing for me is the question: Do you just want companionship or a girlfriend? (Fiends with benefits as someone mentioned.) A companion to me is a friend. You can have a friend who is of the opposite sex. You can do things together, without being “boyfriend/girlfriend.” But, you keep mentioning “dating.” That is a girlfriend/boyfriend” thing to me and indicates that you are looking for more, and it will inevitably lead to more. Men, by nature, are more needy when it comes to physical satisfaction.

If she doesn’t like the idea that you are married, then she is seeing it as more than “a companionship,” too. If I were her, I’d wonder if you would do the same thing to me in the same situation…. 

You say your wife has a “boyfriend.” Maybe she does or maybe she doesn’t. Or maybe she thinks the other man is really you…

You obviously can do what you want. You don’t need anyone here to say it is okay or not. But just be honest with yourself as to what it is you are looking for.

Dan Hoffman

It looks like this thread has fizzled out, and I’d like to add my closing thoughts.

Again, thank you to those that supported me with positive encouragement, even if it was just recognizing that it was my decision and for me to progress carefully.

I want to reiterate that I’m looking for those that have experience with trying to find happiness with a new companion while still caring for their lifelong companion. I have several positive examples within my own support group but wanted to cast a wider net to find other examples and build a support network for those interested in living in these dementia relationships.

In my own group, Jon Lucas found love when he wasn’t looking for it. He came across a woman, Patt Martin, who was caring for her DH in MC. Jon and Patt started dating and their relationship went public three years ago in this KQED story.

https://www.kqed.org/news/11770003/finding-love-again-after-alzheimers-takes-a-spouse-2

Since that time, both of their spouses have passed away, and they have gotten married to each other.

I know this isn’t for everyone, it’s a personal choice.

I also want to make a pitch for a monthly online support group I co-founded several months ago via Lorenzo’s House, called the Light Lounge. The Light Lounge is a virtual space where male caregiver spouses of a loved one diagnosed with younger-onset Alzheimer’s or other dementias come together to exchange self-care perspectives, experience a sense of belonging, and build community.

https://lorenzoshouse.org/our-model/healing-spaces/light-lounge/

I will re-post this link in a new thread in both the Spouse and EOD message groups.

I am grateful for this ALZConnected online community and the ability to share various viewpoints.

If there is anyone out there that wants to continue this dialogue on a confidential personal basis, please feel free to connect to me via ALZConnected and we can continue offline.

 

kemobetter

It’s an unusual situation, and I understand your current friend for not wanting to get involved. Maybe she needs time, but it’s also hard to be with someone in their grief, and it’s her right not to do that. I know a guy who found a new girlfriend two days after his previous one died. It was a little weird, but I also don’t know the whole story, and maybe they were also close when the last one was in the process of dying (she had cancer). Not sure what to advise here, and I think you should better follow your heart and not listen to what others have to say. You might also look for other women at websites like https://www.uadreams.com/. It’s better to have a wider perspective and be able to choose.

Gig Harbor

I read the article from the paper. I can see how it would be much easier to date someone who had gone through or is going thru dementia with a spouse. At least they know what you are dealing with. I certainly wouldn’t criticize anyone for choosing to date.

kojicraps

It’s an unusual situation, and I understand your current friend for not wanting to get involved. Maybe she needs time, but it’s also hard to be with someone in their grief, and it’s her right not to do that. I know a guy who found a new girlfriend two days after his previous one died. It was a little weird, but I also don’t know the whole story, and maybe they were also close when the last one was in the process of dying (she had cancer). Not sure what to advise here, and I think you should better follow your heart and not listen to what others have to say. You might also look for other women at websites like https://www.uadreams.com/ It’s better to have a wider perspective and be able to choose.

Jo C.

Reported.  Second time same policy violation regarding marketing same site.