Completely lost

clamar

My dad is in middle stages of Alzheimer’s and currently living in Abilene, tx with stepmom. I have 4 kids and grand baby on the way, currently living Weatherford, tx .2 hours away. My stepmom has recently decided to come out of retirement and actually take on more work that requires monthly travel, sometimes more, while leaving my dad how to figure out what to do on his own for my sister and I to “deal” with him. Don’t get me wrong please. I love my daddy to pieces and know that it is my responsibility to care for him but not while my step mom can go to all these conferences and meetings and work. I’m extremely frustrated with my stepmom. I can’t seem to get through to her how important it is for dad to be in his environment and have consistency. She doesn’t want to change her lifestyle for him. Is this wrong for me to feel this way??

harshedbuzz

You aren't wrong to feel your feelings.

That said, this might be a situation where your judgment is colored by your relationship going into dementia or that you might not be fully informed regarding the choices being made.

While it is generally thought that routine and consistency are generally better for a PWD I've never actually seen the data to back that up. And you have to consider the costs associated with trying to maintain such a situation. You sound like you think your dad's needs supersede those of his wife which may not be a reasonable ask. IME, anything that supports the well-being of the primary caregiver is good for the PWD.

It could be that she's gone to work because they need the income now or in the future. Dementia is an expensive condition. My dad's HHA cost over $30/hour 5 years ago and his MCF ran $7200/month. And that didn't include extra expenses related to some of his behaviors. Your stepmom may be saving for his care down the line or to replenish savings she'll need to have a secure retirement after he dies.

What role do you and your sister have in dad's care?

HB

Quilting brings calm

It’s possible that your dad and step-mother need the money and benefits provided by the job. It’s also possible that your step-mother is not able to deal with your dad 24/7 and needs time away from him. If you read through various discussions on all four discussion forums, you will find that many spouses still work for various reasons.

Is it time for you to discuss alternate living arrangements form your dad - such as assisted living or memory care? That allows all of you to return to your previous roles of spouse and daughter rather than caregiver.