My Mom has Dementia and now hates my Father

jeannevic

Hello! I'm new here. My Mom has dementia and directs all her anger at my father. He is a wonderful, patient man that takes care of her everyday (we are currently trying to get her into assisted living). She calls me everyday bashing him about how he takes all her clothes, pushes her around and throws out all her important stuff. All lies! I'm there everyday and don't know how to answer her or deal with this It is so difficult hearing her say these awful things when they had a beautiful loving marriage for almost 60 years. My poor dad is having an extremely hard time with her verbal abuse. Anyone else experiencing this or can offer some help/guidance?

jvsalinas

My Dad has dementia and does not treat my Mom very well. He makes faces and calls her names. He also doesn’t eat any food that she makes for him. It is very challenging and difficult for all of us. I don’t have any real suggestions. My Mom and I talk about it and remind ourselves that he’s not himself and that we need to forgive him and find patience. Supporting each other is the best thing for us.

jeannevic

Thank you jvsalinas. We try our best :( Completely agree that it is not my Mom when she talks like that.

Emily 123

https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half This has been helpful to many here-you'll have to scroll down to the bottom of the page.

Additionally, you may want to discuss her behaviors with her doctor in case medications can help.

Reading through the forum will also help:)

M1

Would agree with trying medications. No one deserves to be abused, regardless, and a facility may reject her if she behaves that way towards staff too. Or other residents

towhee

Welcome. Please let me reassure you that your mom does not hate your dad. What you are seeing is the way the disease is affecting your moms brain. It is very hard on your family and I am sorry. My grandmother accused my grandfather of giving her clothes to his mistress (They were both 90 at the time). Accusations of stealing are unfortunately very common. This link will do a better job of explaining then I can. Why do people with dementia lie? - YouTube The Demetia Careblazer youtube channel is a source you can trust, although like almost everyone they are trying to make money. This is another channel that might be helpful- Dementia Care Partner Talk Show Podcast: Ep. 85 - Are They Lying, or Something Else? - YouTube, especially the end of this video. Anything that can reduce her anxiety will help, so medication will help, but that will have an added effectivness if you can change your approach a little and identify and reduce triggers, such as certain activities, or if it is a time of day that is the problem, make changes around that time of day.

Wish you well-

jeannevic

Thank you all for the kind, encouraging comments. My mom is currently on Namenda, Aricept and Seroquel. I just wish I knew how to respond when she is bashing my Dad to me. I want to respect her feelings (albeit there is no merit to them) and I tell her I am sorry she is feeling this way and that it doesn't sound like Dad. No mater what I say triggers her and gets her more angry. She only does the verbal abuse to to him which I know is because she is most comfortable with him. Disease is so hard to manage. Everyday is different and we never know which 'Mom" will wake up each morning.

Thanks again -- this forum is so very helpful and I appreciate you taking the time and sending links.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Jeannevic, I can understand how frustrating that is to have a people act and say things completely different from what you experienced yourself.

I know there are some PWD who act very differently to their primary caregiver than to others who may or may not be a part of the caregiving team. My mom acts very different between me and my dad; I'm her primary caregiver and does things for dad and not me which is frustrating at times.

I also want to point out that dementia changes how the brain takes in and understands the world around the person. Your dad may not be stealing her things but he is the one who she believes is. You have to accept her reality. Telling her she's wrong, that your dad's being nice, will only further agitate her. A tool that'll be beneficial to use are fiblets, a little white lie sort to speak to help transition the PWD to a better state of mind. Validate her feelings and take her seriously. Try something like "I see that makes you very upset. I can talk to him for you about that." Or even step in and say that you're the one changing things around. "I did that mom. I'm sorry that made you upset. I will try and fix that next time."

My mom used to accuse my dad of lots of things and he'd respond in hostility because it wasn't true. I started stepping in and taking the blame/responsibility of it and that greatly improved the situation between them. She's now absolutely infatuated with him and doesn't accuse him of anything.

Has your parents'relationship always been on good terms? It could also be possible that she's remembered a time in days past where she had grievances with your dad and no longer has the ability to understand that's not how "now" is. A couple of people on the forum call that time traveling, where the newest memory is from years ago but feels very current to them.

If you can't get her medication changed or it's taking a while to see any changes, try the fiblets and see if that helps any. Also your mom may just need a break from dad for a while. Maybe work it out with your dad to give him a day away with his buddies or on a special outting. Good luck!

jeannevic

Thank you! We will definitely try the "fiblets". I actually read so much on this and try and take responsibility/blame away from my Dad and find it does help somewhat. She definitely thinks he is stealing her clothes, money, etc. He tries so hard to be patient with her but he is getting burnt out. :(

And their relationship has always been great and on good terms. Nothing in their past would trigger this behavior so it is just the disease.

We have hired private aides that just started last week (3 days/4 hours a day) to give my Dad a break so hopefully that will ease some of the burden. Although financially not sure how long we can keep that up. We are in the process of trying to get my mom on Medicaid.

Also, we made my Dad go back to Knights of Columbus last month. My sister and I go over at least 3 days a week and on weekends to help out. We made my Dad go back to Knights of Columbus last month. We "babysit" my Mom every other Tuesday night so my Dad can go and play cards. I know how important it is for him to get out and do something just for himself.

We are doing the best we can and hope these few changes can improve his living situation. We are doing all we can to keep her out of a nursing home. She will NOT go willingly anyway because her mind is still there.

Wishing everyone here a great, peaceful weekend!