Caregiver with a Mother that has just been diagnosed with Dementia.

Gakinrolabu

Pleasure to meet everyone and I'm very happy to find this group. My mother who is 78, has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's with a potential pathway of Dementia. Though this did not come as somewhat shock to myself and my siblings, we primarily found out after she was evicted from her apartment, her spouse left her and we are now here to pick up the pieces even though our overall relationship with our mother has not been great since childhood. I'm 41 years of age now and have a 14-month-old son and a 16-year-old daughter ready to go to college. I live in New Jersey. I'm wondering if others are in similar positions. But I'm looking for long-term living arrangements for my mother, outside of me since there has been such a long history of betrayal and bad blood. She has already exhausted her stay at my brother's house, but now, it's on me to figure out the right path forward. How do I get her involved in this community to meet others who are going through the same plight, and is there a long-term living solution that takes Medicare/Medicaid when she currently has no income?

harshedbuzz

@Gakinrolabu

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but happy you found this place.

This isn't what you asked but given that your mom was recently abandoned by a spouse, my first step would be to consult with an elder care attorney regarding a settlement. There may be assets to which she is entitled that could ease the financial piece to this. Divorce may make sense. Someone should become her POA if she is still competent to sign otherwise guardianship will be needed which takes more time and money.

I can appreciate the emotional baggage that comes with stepping in as a caregiver to a parent when the relationship has not been a good one. I found myself in a similar situation with my own dad; we'd never had an easy relationship, but I stayed in my parents' lives because I needed to check on my mom. When it came time to transition from partner to caregiver, she froze which forced me to lead the process. Despite our history, I looked at helping dad as something I did because of who I am not because of who he was to me if that makes sense. But that might not be what's best in your situation; others have allowed or even started the process to have a difficult parent become overseen by their state.

A CELA can advise you on Medicaid planning for placement. You are fortunate that you are in NJ where Medicaid will fund a MCF rather than just a SNF. I believe there are waiting lists, so you'll want to start on this asap.

HB