Dementia/divorce

dgby32

I started divorce proceedings before we realized he had dementia. He is young, 54. We have been fighting alot. Now i try to discuss things rationally with him and the arguments are worse. He is a very bright man, and he uses my fears and insecurities against me. He acuses me of abandoning him, not caring, everthing that is happening is my fault. We live separately now. His business went under and i keep supporting him financially because he refuses to try and work. I know now he can't but only came to that realization when we received the diagnosis. Its so hard to take when he makes me the villen in his life to everyone around him. Yet, no one know the reality because if i discuss it with them, it inevitably gets back to him and the anger is unbearable. I believe i am going to have to have him declared mentally incompetent at some point. I am so lost, so tied, he theatens suicide and attempted it twice now he has told me. Just a little lost these days

PookieBlue

dgby32

You are always safe venting here. Reasoning with a person with dementia is impossible. Rationality is no longer accessible in the brain. I can’t imagine all the challenges that would come with a pending divorce and new diagnosis of dementia. The dementia likely played a big part in your relationship. I think that one needs to have a strong loving relationship to successfully take on the care of a PWD. I think the good memories have to outweigh the not so good ones, because there will be times when you wonder how long can you really do this. You will need to get all financial affairs in order by consulting with an elder care attorney. This dementia journey is not easy at all and depending on circumstances care for your partner may best be triaged elsewhere.

ghphotog

I'm sorry you are in this situation and I don't think there is an easy solution but I have to say that if are having that much trouble now then I think it's going to be impossible to care for him as the disease progresses. That much I can say confidently. Others are more intelligent as far as legal issues so I'm not going there. Is he passed the point where he can longer make decisions about divorce proceedings? You really need an attorney to help you navigate this. In my own opinion, again this will be very difficult if you continue as his caregiver and it's hard enough if you love your spouse.

Dio

I think if you've started divorce proceedings already, there were reasons for that. As PookieBlue indicated, it sucks the life out of the dementia caregiver on a good day, so I couldn't imagine the toll it'll take on the caregiver when the relationship is already on the rocks. It's your life, and decisions made are yours alone. Don't worry about what others may think. Either way, hope for an optimal outcome.

M1

Terrible dilemma. Welcome to the forum, you have come to a good place to learn and to seek support.

Sounds like you need to step back and take a few deep breaths. And yes, I completely agree that you need careful legal advice as to how to proceed here. We have some savvy legal people on these boards, and they may be able to chime in. I don't know what would constitute abandonment (it may vary from state to state), but it would seem to me that pursuing divorce after a diagnosis of a debilitating illness may put you at some legal liability for being accused of abandonment. This may matter if there are joint finances at stake, or if there are other family members who could seek to take their anger and grief out on you.

You say you are supporting him financially--that is why I think you might be at some legal risk if you abruptly stop. You say "he refuses to work" but the likelihood is that he can't. Since he is young, have you pursued getting him qualified for SSDI? I assume he didn't get fired from a job since you say he lost his business? there is lots to unpack in your post. I think you need a certified elder law attorney, as others have said, more than you need a divorce attorney at this point. I wish you well.

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Joe C.

dgby, Welcome but sorry for the situation you find yourself in. As others have stated, being a caregiver for a PWD is overwhelming even under the best of circumstances so no judgement her if your decision is to proceed with the divorce. I’m my state, MA, I pretty sure divorce is allowed in this situation, in fact it was one option proposed by my Certified Elder Law Attorney (CELA) when I sought advice on protecting assets.

dgby32

I have been hold off the divorce for two years now. We weren't aware of the dementia diagnosis till this past week. The problem is he uses it as a crutch to get his way. He wants all the supposed wrongs to come out in court. He is quite the narcissist and still mentally aware enough to hurt me. I am going to look for an elder care lawyer. I dont think he is gone far enough for a POA. He is savvy, knowing he is going lose his mind is terrifying to him. He tells me he has applied for ssdi, but i never know what is the truth or a lie.

Ed1937

I think your best bet is to see a CELA right away. They can give you good advice about your future. If you want to go that route, a POA will be drawn up for you, but he will have to sign it. Then when it is necessary to use it, you will already have it. He will not be able to act as your advocate through a POA, so you will need to have someone else do that. You have excellent advice above.

Whatever you decide to do about the divorce is your business, and you don't have to satisfy anyone else. Just do what you feel is right. Just keep in mind that this job will be the hardest one you have ever had.

Davegrant

I retired after 49 years of marriage and about the same time my dw was diagnosed with MCI. I handled our marriage problems most of my life by throwing myself into my work. The idea that she had a disease for which there was no cure, it was progressive, and she had no control over it caused me to change my attitude 180 degrees. I retired and the same time became a caregiver which I have been doing for the last six years. Our roles changed as I had to learn to cook, clean, shop, entertain and communicate with children and their spouses. My DW has anosognosia which means that she has no idea that she has a problem, so I have to find new ways to deal with situations that arise in the marriage and life. I am in the process of that change, and it is a moving target as her disease progresses very slowly but persistently. The hardest for me is learning to handle my emotions in this process. I get my support from learning about the disease, participation in support groups, counseling. I am learning to live one day at a time emotionally. I was already in a program that emphasized living one day at a time and I had to double down on that and learn to apply it to this situation. I always handled the legal and fiscal affairs but for you I suspect they will be more challenging, but my advice would be to use qualified people to assist you and follow the suggestions you agree with from those who have had the same experiences. You are not alone.

Dave

dgby32

I would have never started the divorce if i had know it was likely the brain lesions and dementia was even possible. It takes two to withdraw a divorce proceedings and he has weponized it to get his way. He doesnt see the irrational things he is doing, the way he is living, but i am finding out you can't have rational discussions with him anymore. He fights for control, and because he is still relatvely symptom free its difficult.

Denise1847

For whatever it is worth, his behavior is going to get worse. If you had a problem with it before the diagnosis, you will really struggle as the disease progresses. who they were before the disease gets amplified once the disease sets in. I am not sure if you are thinking the dementia caused the personality issues, which is very different than a personality which is narcissistic and manipulative. I would think long and hard about staying with someone as you have described. Caring for a person with dementia requires extreme patience compassion, and a selflessness that we are struggle with each day.

JJ401

Whether you would have started the divorce or not is irrelevant now. You have to proceed from where you are now. You have to realize that he is not relatively symptom free. His symptoms are preventing him from working. His anosognosia is preventing him from realizing he has a problem. Since you are currently living apart, you are most likely not seeing a lot of the day to day symptoms. He has plenty of symptoms. He just has not yet descended into the worst ones.

You are correct that there is no reasoning with him. His reasoning has left the building. What you need to do is protect yourself. See an elder lawyer and learn about the Medicaid laws in your state. Learn how you will fare financially if you divorce or stay married. Be informed before you decide what to do. You might want to go back to the divorce lawyer and figure out how to come out of this with the best settlement you can get.

Caro_Lynne

No advice better that what you've received. Just wanted to offer support in what you are going through; I cannot imagine! Stay strong and do what you have to do ❤️

RickM

Excellent input from everyone here. Bottom line IMO is trust yourself and your instinct. Get legal advice and evaluate your options. Ultimately only you will know what works for you. Believe this.

Iris L.

Question to consider: Will he need a legal guardian to proceed with a divorce? Is he legally competent to handle his affairs and make decisions?

dgby32

Debatable, his house is in foreclosure,/bankruptsy i dont know how the utilities are still not shut off. He has no income except from me and i am going broke. He finds things he can fix and sell on line. He can bring himself to get a job. But he is smart. He has worked the legal systems to hold of the banks etc. He knows how to work my love, and fears to his advantage. Most of this time, i though he was doing it to try and get money out of me with the courts, or was jyst being a bum and didnt want to work. But, when you have no food to eat, and u r losing your home, and he is playing in his yard building shed and deck with materials he has either stolen, or found on the roadside, you question his mental health.

Ed1937

I don't think you could have gotten better advice than what you got in the previous posts. Be informed before you decide what to do. That, my friend, is exactly what you need to do.

Iris L.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/175477#Comment_175477

If he is in this bad a condition, perhaps Adult Protective Services should be involved. He sounds in desperate need of help.

Also, please read about anosognosia. He is never going to be able to help himself if his failing situation is due to dementia.

Iris