Jekyll and Hyde - Is this normal?

jjneels

My dad was diagnosed with VD this year, he moved into a nice AL facility in February with, on the whole, good aids and nurses. I'll start off by saying my dad has never had a sunny disposition. Many times a week when I call him or visit, he tells me how miserable he is at his AL, and when I ask him what's going on, he mainly complains about the aids not making his bed every day or helping him get outside when he wants (he has some dexterity issues from the stokes so he can't use the key pad to unlock the doors). When I talk to the housing director, her story has been consistent that he will come and talk to them sometime when he's having trouble, but overall he seems to be settling in and he jokes around with the staff and talks to other residents. When he talks to me, he's blaming me for making him suffer every day and critical that I don't come to visit him more often. He gets emotional and tells me he's going to go back home (which isn't an option) and I can't lock him up there. He gets almost obsessive when he's venting to me and won't stop repeating himself. I want to take my dad's concerns seriously, but it feels like if I ask for a care conference at this facility it's almost like adding fuel to the fire and I really can't have this AL experience go down hill. Curious if this is normal behavior for someone with dementia?

Emily 123

Yes. It's not unusual judging from the threads here. Sometimes (usually?) there's one person that gets to bear the brunt of the discontent and anger about the situation the disease has put them in. He's not able to separate out his feelings or use reason.

Do you think it's a few occasional events that irked him, that are all blended in together?

I would say that if he, his clothes, and his room are clean, that he can do some activities, and that he's getting his meds and meals, then maybe just touch base with the director to make sure there aren't any unmet needs or if there's a work around they could do.

Can you plan visits around a time of day that will just let you pop in and then leave? Or maybe take a little break?

M1

Hi JJ, this is in fact very common. Family members are "safe targets" for emotional venting, and sometimes triggers. I could not visit my partner in MC for almost a year (until we changed facilities) because seeing me just made her want to leave. She did not have a phone--does your dad absolutely need one? It may be time to let the phone go, if you are the only one he talks to. As much as it hurts to hear it, he may do better with less contact from you rather than more.