Should I let estranged granddaughter visit?

CMKitch

My dad is 85 and has moderate dementia. He is currently in a SNF. My niece (his granddaughter) has asked to go see him and bring her 2 kids. She hasn't had any contact with him for several years and he has never met his great-grandchildren (they're both teenagers). Am I wrong to not let her visit him? When he is asked if he has any grandchildren, he says no so he clearly doesn't remember her.

JeriLynn66

Depending on the reason for estrangement and if you have any information or concerns regarding your niece,... my question would be “why now”?

CMKitch

The only time she or her mom would contact my parents would be to ask for money and they've said some really hurtful things to my parents. I feel like she wants to see him due to his dementia however I don't want it to confuse my dad any further by having them visit and then never go back and see him again.

M1

He won't remember her or likely even know who she is. Much less her children. Likely a wash as he won't remember the visit either. If you decide on letting her go, i would suggest you be there also. But another caution: covid cases are ticking back up. Masks? Vaccines? Visit outside perhaps?

harshedbuzz

I had a similar situation.

I have a niece who has made some terrible life choices that have resulted in addiction and the loss of 3 babies to CPS. She has some significant mental health issues running beneath the surface and we all tried as a family to help her around that but were clearly unsuccessful. As a little girl, she'd been very close to my parents and had even lived with them for a time after her mom died when she was 9.

She had reached out to my parents before dad's diagnosis when he was in late middle stages. She needed a place to live. Her sister and I cautioned against it, but dad was in one of his we-take-care-of-our-own (Utter BS, BTW) kicks and got handed his head. He thought he could turn her life around-- she overdosed on his watch and he did a 180 because he felt she made him look like a fool.

I didn't love the idea of her trying to shake my parents down, but I wasn't willing to be the one to say "no". My dad still knew certain people. The year before I'd given him a digital frame and loaded it with pictures I had. Dad immediately noticed there were no current pictures of this granddaughter and complained about it. In my defense, I couldn't find any where she didn't look like an addict once she hit about 16.

So I communicated through her sister informing her that I held the financial POA for both parents and that her grandfather had made some bad financial decisions in the earlier phase of his dementia and that all assets he had were needed for his care which was $7200/month and for mom's monthly living expenses. She never did make it to visit, and she got arrested the morning of his funeral service, so she never got the "closure" about which she babbled until she found out the money was gone.

HB

jfkoc

I think the answer lies in what is best for your father. Period.

I told two of my husband's children that they could not visit. They of course cut all ties with me. Sad but my decision was made thiking of my husband, not them.