Siblings involvement in parental care

sarah61163

Does anyone who is caring for their parents have siblings who choose not to be involved and how do you deal with it?

Quilting brings calm

yes. It happens fairly often. Sometimes the family has had dysfunction and estrangement already. Other times family members just can’t deal with the changes in their parents, live too far away to help or aren’t equipped to deal with the physical, emotional, mental or financial burden. Or their home isn’t set up for it.

There are a few things you can do if it’s only a distance/home set up issue. The sibling could handle finances, or do research into future placement possibilities, maybe take a week a year in caregiving respite for the primary caregiver.

There’s not much you can do for the other reasons. You can’t force someone to participate in care. You could send messages or emails keeping them aware of things. You can let them know that refusal to help means your parent will be going into a facility sooner than otherwise because you can’t be the primary caregiver for whatever reason.

Many caregivers end up not speaking to their siblings because of the pain and anger from doing it all themselves. some of the caregivers here not only don’t get help… they get interference from the siblings that won’t help.

harshedbuzz

Hi @sarahv63. Welcome to this place. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

It's very common for one sibling to be burdened with 100% of the care of a parent with dementia. Sometimes this happens because the oldest sees it as their role and won't compromise on the approach so others bail; sometimes siblings can't because of distance, work or family commitments; sometimes sons back away assuming it's the sister's role; sometimes the baby-of-the-family is still "at home" and gets trapped while the others go about their lives. There are also situations where one of more family members just can't be there for a parent because of their own mental health issues or because their relationship with the parent/parent's spouse makes it unbearable.

I'm an only since my sister died almost 30 years ago. Had she lived, I suspect she would not have been a help as she could barely look out for herself.

If you could offer more specifics about their refusal-- distance, history of abuse, denial, etc.-- other could offer more relevant advice.

HB

sarah61163

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/181879#Comment_181879

Only daughter and youngest here. Maybe that’s a pattern. There is distance involved but not insurmountable. I’ve asked for brief respite 3x a year but get excuses. No abuse issues. We all have resentments but nothing serious in this case. People do what they want to do, lack empathy, etc…. sad they don’t want to spend time in folk’s last years.

DIANELYNETTE

I want to take care of my mom as long as I can at her home. I want to enjoy the time while i have it. My youngest brother is not emotional equipped to deal with this. Its not his highest and best use. I dont take it personal. That is the best he can do. I dont expect anymore. Not everybody is cut out for taking care of their parent. My mom is early Dementia. Its relatively esy so far. I know it will be harder. My moms siter helps me. My brothers simply dont have the ability or patience. I just figured Im the only daughter and its my job. Im sorry you and your family are having a difficult time. We have other issues. I will keep you in my prayer Sarah.

Kathryn Mc

Yes Sarah, I am the youngest of 4 daughters. My dad passed 11 years ago. Shortly there after, my husband and I began looking after my mom so she wouldn’t be alone. She spent the nights with us as they were hard on her and I would take her back to her home during the day while I was at work. After 3 years of that, we sold our home using the proceeds from the sale to re build my moms home which was very dilapidated. (It was my childhood home). We assumed the out standing debt with the agreement from my sisters that the house would be put in our name and not become part of the trust. My husband, teenage daughter and I moved in after a years worth of construction. About 5 years ago my mom was diagnosed with ES . After a hospital stay due to Covid 2 years ago moms dementia has accelerated. She requires someone to be with her 24/7 She no longer talks and cries inconsolably for hours throughout the day.

I have help from my eldest sister for 9 hours a week. I do pay her $20 an hour.”. As this debilitating disease progresses, I have reached out to my other two sisters for help. One sister does not respond at all until I ask three times. Her excuse is my house is not set up for Mom. Sorry. The other sister responds via email that she is sorry we are having a rough time and she just cannot figure out the logistics of how she could possibly help. I have suggested many ways of how they could both help just to be shot down. My conclusion is that if I can learn to expect nothing from them, I won’t be as disappointed when I get just that. It saddens me that it is all too common for the majority ,or the entire responsibility of caring for a parent often lands in the hands of one child. May God give you the courage, strength, and patience you will need for this journey.

sarah61163

I’m sorry for what you are going through. I wonder if there are deep seated resentments some siblings have towards a parent that we are unaware of and they’ve washed their hands of any relationship with them. Your mother is going through a rough time and thankfully you’ve stepped up. My father has gotten worse and we are making use of a wonderful non profit hospice service that sends over help and nurses as needed and has in patient dementia care for long term or respite. All covered by Medicare. I told my brother we are at the end stages and he did come down to stay with my dad for a few days.

Jervicwit

This has been so helpful! My mom had a stroke which accelerated her Dementia. I am lucky that it happened over the summer as I am a teacher and could be with her and my dad everyday. When school resumed, I had to return to my home--300 miles away--so am only able to visit once a month to help my dad. My two brothers, who live within 10- 50 miles away never even visit. I totally don't understand this!!!
Reading other people's frustration is very comforting!!!

CSON

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/66246/siblings-involvement-in-parental-care

I have 3 sisters who choose not to help. They come visit when time permits, they stay an hour or two at a time.

This is our mom who has done so much for them including raising their children and helping them (sisters)financially for most of their lives when needed.

This is extremely hard to deal with. I understand that we all have our own lives to live it just seems that no one cares enough to get a bit more involved.

I try and tell myself it's to hard for them mentally to see her like this. It's really all I can do at this point.