I used to pity my DW, but anymore I envy her.

markus8174

Honestly, as my beloved enters the near end of her AD, I sometimes envy her her mental loss. Mentation is that of a 2 year old, but as those of us here know, that is never a crisp analogy. She seems happy most of the time-laughs, talks to her dolls and anamatronic cats. I don't even remember what "happy" felt like. She has no problems to solve, no paperwork to fill out, no demands on her time. I feel I'm her only support. Her one daughter visits a couple times a month, a granddaughter maybe once a month. I have a 1 1/2 hour trip each way every other day. I stay as long as I can because I can give her company and encourage some joy- things that are sadly lacking for the residents who never get visitors. The strain is overwhelming most days, but I dont't get a day off-ever. I do her laundry and bedding because having a bright chearful room improves her mood. Industrial sheets and plasiic bed pads just don't cut it for the one who has been my reason for living for over 40 years. I have to constantly be on guard for abuse or neglect, and ensure the staff assigned to her are kind and as attentive as they can be with 20 other residents in thier assignment. I guess I just had to feel sorry for myself for a change. My beloved's care (and she is in a facility!) takes so much out of me, I sometimes think exhaustion, and a lack of back-up for her, are the only reasons I don't go gun shopping. Well, that and my two cats. Thanks for the vent. It didn't help much, but I was about to kick my cat.

sandwichone123

Markus, I'm so sorry to hear it. She is lucky to have you there caring for her and her environment and keeping an eye on things. I'm glad to hear you don't try to go every day. What with driving three hours, it's enough!

toolbeltexpert

Markus you are a great caregiver and you afford your dw some great care. You take steps I never even thought about to ensure your dw comfort and safety. It sounds like you need a little you time. I know it's hard to even think about it, but you've been at it along time. I get it, being the one who does all the stuff, worrying, bill paying, making sure my dw is taken care of and if it wasn't for my church family I would be it as far as visitors is concerned. If I hadn't sold and moved I would still be doing 60 to 120 mpd. Life as a caregiver isn't easy and having placed my dw I know the stress and emotional roller coaster isn't an easy ride at all. Vent vent vent. I find I do it all the time even in meeting people at walmart it's amazing how it helps.

Stewart

Katielu

Markus,

You vent all you want. You are doing a wonderful thing for your dear wife, might you find time, even once a month, to do something you enjoy? It would be healthier for you, and what your DW would want for you if she could choose.

And if you can’t find time for you, I understand that too. I am a long way away from placement, but I am filled with dread. I do think being in the facility on a regular basis is important and I would be willing to do the extra work ( laundry and bedding) if it meant my DH was more comfortable.

So vent if you need too, you are supported here. You are a loving husband, find comfort in that.

Jgirl57

Glad you vented to us. We are not at placement yet but the daily grind of redirecting and handling all the “stuff”, I too sometimes envy his lack of awareness . I hope I am never in his position but being the “ grown up” in the room is very stressful and tiresome . Be kind to yourself

Denise1847

Hi Marcus,

Please take time off for yourself. If you don't, you may become ill and then who will be there for your wife.

Try to take a week off. Think of it as if you were hospitalized, you wouldn't be able to get there. I know it will be hard for you but your wife is safe and she is going to be sad whether you are there or not.

I have already become ill with multiple medical issues and am now taking an antidepressant, which has helped. I know first-hand how the mind-body connection can really take you down. Take care of yourself as you would take care of your wife.

markus8174

Denise1847: I would love to take some time for myself, but there is no one to fill my shoes and my DW would suffer if I abandoned her for more than occasionally 1 extra day. Most recently I enjoy most imagining a day when I get a terminal diagnosis from my doctor. I can hang on until my DW ddoesn't need me further, and I can hope to meet her in heaven befoe grass can grow on her grave. I have neither the funds nor the health to hope for anything for myself, and will have even less of both after my beloved has passed. At this point, there is no one I feel close to. As to my family; if I can pre-pay for my burial expences I hope they will be willing to call the funeral home. RL Stevenson:

Under the wide and starry sky,

Dig the grave and let me lie.

Glad did I live and gladly die,

And I laid me down with a will.

This be the verse you 'grave for me:

Here he lies where he longed to be;

Home is the sailor, home from sea,

And the hunter home from the hill.

Is such a peaceful sentiment at this point in my life.

GiGi1963

So sorry you feel that way. Please seek someone you can talk to. Sad that this disease will take both of you. Don't let that happen.

hiya

Markus, you are so valued and needed. The love you have and show is deep. You inspire me with your dedication and strength. Please look after yourself. Sending prayers and hugs

Elshack

Markus, My DH has been in memory care for a year and for most of the time I was doing his personal laundry which included socks, slacks and shirts as he wore Depends and they did his bedding. I got Covid and then a stomach flu and decided to have them do his laundry and I have to say that is one less responsibility. Would you ever consider having the memory care wash her bedding and also her clothing? You may be surprised at the results and may find them acceptable. You sound like you are at the end of your rope and your health will be affected. My DH is a 4 min walk away from me in the next bldg and if there is a day when I can't visit, he doesn't notice.

That doesn't mean you care for her any less if you don't do her laundry. Where my DH is, I supply 2 sets of sheets/pillow cases and a blanket and a comforter and his sheets always look clean after they wash them. If you are mentioning getting a terminal illness and hoping you can hang on to take care of her, that sounds like depression has set in. Please try to do something for yourself. Traveling 3 hrs round trip every other day is exhausting.. Maybe some weeks you could extend it one more day? Sending supportive prayers and thoughts.

markus8174

Elshack- My beloved is 1 1/2 hours from me, each way. The MC facility sends out all the bedding and towels to be laundered- ie:boiled in bleach water. Resident's personal clothing is done by night shift, in a household washer and dryer. Can you imagine- 28 incontinent resident's clothing being run through a household washer on "HOT" and a household dryer on "air fry". I've seen the clothing in the dryer- it's crammed in until it cascades out the door when opened. My beloved enjoys wearing her normal, fun clothes. Graphic tees, bling enhanced blouses... They may as well be disposable if I let the facility do them even once. I'd love a break but there is no one to relieve me, and my DW becomes dispondent and angry with me if I go 2-3 days without visiting. The good news is, at the rate my health is deteriorating, we ought to get to heaven within a few weeks of each other. The laundry service in heaven is much better than in her MC unit, I'm sure.

M1

Markus, i get it. Face to face with my own mortality, having to plan for my partners care without me- very scary. Forced absence from her MC for two weeks now because i can't get out of bed. She's fallen again, i doubt if she's showered. Not much left for either of us. Feels pretty bleak. But better to vent here. Darkest before the dawn perhaps? The spark of hope that keeps us going. Hang on my friend.

Elshack

Markus, sorry to read that the memory care would wash other residents' sheets etc. with your DW's. In the 16 room facility where my DH is, they wash his bedding separately and his clothing separately from anyone elses. I can understand why you want to do that your self. I know each case is different. My DH does not notice when I don't visit but he is 93 and on hospice.