87 father is caretaker for 81 mom with severe Alzheimer's

heidi1972

Hi all,

Have a situation where our mother is losing her ability to speak, extremely confused, has difficulty walking, is not showering or brushing her teeth and is incontinent at times. Our father is being difficult in that we had an aide for the summer who had to go back to her school job and now he is refusing another aide for care. He feels that an aide is not needed and he can handle it all. Mom now needs a root canel due to rotting teeth. The house is not clean like it used to be and smells unpleasant.

Dad is still lucid, very mild confusion at times and difficult to deal with in matters pertaining to care of the house or mom. He gets angry with any suggestions for help with the lawn or cleaning or nursing care but then suddenly will need our assistance. He refuses Meals on Wheels, and is not taking care of the yard. The house has stairs and both mom and dad are having difficultly walking in general and stairs are a real challenge for them both. He refuses to move, refuses to get a stairs lift. Money is not an issue, they have the money to hire help or get a stairlift. He just thinks and states, "everything is fine" and gets angry with any discussions to help them. He will even lie at times in an attempt to end any conversations on the matter.

What do we do? We are helping with doctor's appointments, some meals, some shopping, occasional house cleaning. We are so busy with children and work and frustrated by the situation and refusal for outside help. To get the summer aide was quite a fight and only because it was temporary he allowed it. Is this a situation where the county can assign a social worker for this issue? To be clear, mom no longer knows who her children are, she is completely incompetent to care for herself. Dad feels that he can care for her and not accepting what the true situation is. What is the best course of action at this point?

housefinch

Does your dad have a PCP? And does someone have durable POA for him? I would be concerned your dad has cognitive impairment or dementia too, based on your description. Or maybe depression that looks like cognitive impairment. It sounds like he needs to be evaluated. It sounds like they potentially need to be living together in a different setting—MC for her & at least AL or possibly MC for him. I’ll leave the additional troubleshooting ideas to wiser people here, but those were my first thoughts. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this & hope you figure out a plan.

heidi1972

Hi Housefinch,

Thanks for the advice. Let me speak to my husband, I believe his sister has POA. She is extremely frustrated with the situation too. He does have a PCP that we think is not very good but he will not switch. I will see if we can get him assessed as well. The issue is will he go, if he finds out it is a cognitive assessment he will get upset and angry and probably refuse to go.

It is to the point where I think we want to take aggressive measures to force some changes. Last year dad was in the hospital for a few days and it was 100% on the family to care for mom. We kept stressing that there needs to be other options for assistance. Would we call county social services for assistance with care for elders? Can a doctor get social services initiated? Honestly, I don't think he should be driving either but he is unwilling to stop.

Quilting brings calm

Sometimes all you can do is wait for a crisis. If your mom ends up in the hospital, you can tell every medical person there that your dad cannot take care of her, that it’s not safe for her and she can’t come home. If your dad ends up in the hospital, then it’s time to find your mom respite care that can turn into permanent care.

start doing research as to what facility might be best. So that you can state your preference when the time comes

Guardianship is an option - but it’s expensive and your dad will demand that he be your moms guardian.

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