Guilt of supporting from afar while other family members moved in

tebarr27

Hello,

Grateful to find this community! Like me, I'm sorry we need to be here, but I'm relieved we can all lean on each other a bit.

I live hours away from my Mom. We received results today from her neurologist about her brain health and he is of the opinion she has the early signs of Alzheimer's.

We aren't surprised, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle. Family living closer to my Mom say, and I've since noticed, that she was very forgetful, sleeping a lot, no longer using her phone, computer, bowling... and other activities that used to giver her joy.

In the fall of 2022, and due to worry about my Mom living alone, my brother, his wife, my nephew, and their two dogs, moved in with her. The idea being to be sure she eats, takes her medications, gets up and does "something."

But the arrangement is in a bad place, so I secured a home health caregiver to come in each morning to assist my Mom, so my brother and his family can go back to being "family," rather than being mad about trying to help her all the time.

To be fair, I've had many conversations with my Mom along the lines of please help us, help you. And though she agrees and does a little better for a few days, she falls back in to the not eating, sleeping all day, not taking her meds, arguing with her caregiver, etc.

Now, my brother and his wife are getting angry with me, saying, "If you aren't going to help, why should we?" And, "She always asks why you aren't helping more," etc.

I feel so guilty and exhausted by all of it. It's making me feel stressed out and depressed, and now I want to stay in bed and hide from what's happening.

It's a lot for all of us, I know. But I could use your suggestions and tips to cope.

Thank you...

SFTONID

Hello-
I know exactly how you’re feeling.

Fortunately my brother and his wife are very supportive and caring.

My issue is with my step dad.
He has money from them down sizing but still is expecting me to pay for her caretaker.

You’re not alone!

[Deleted User]

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jnd911

I wonder if you could ask your brother and his wife, "What kind of help that I can provide from afar would be most useful to you?"

In our mother's case, it was an occasional trip to see her despite the distance of the journey. Other times it was me just taking the lead on our mother's care from afar, assuring my sibling that "she was off the case" for a little while. Mom did have a personal caregiver which made this much easier. I instructed the caregiver, the nursing home, etc., that they should contact me first in order to provide a bit of a reprieve to my sister.