My 83 years old Mother thinks the Male Neighbor is stalking her & she now thinks he is in my room

Wendy-Robin

My Mother was diagnosed with Dementia in June 2023, she is a retired teacher (55 years) & hold 3 master's Degrees, she was extremely attractive, but she was always unkind, selfish, and focused on men. My father was not good to her, they divorced when I was a baby (he was also a very Dark Black man, and for light-skinned American black women like my mother she looks down at that and considers "darker" people low). So, from the age of 3 I always heard I was would be ugly like my father, I was evil like my father, and I would be nothing. With that I left home at 16 years old and lived/married a wealthy older man, I am incredibly attractive, owned a business and look just like my mother. This is a problem for her towards me. I had just relocated back to the Maryland area from Boca Raton, FL, and I was very depressed and was not looking forward to living with my mother but due to my financially situation I put my tail between my legs and called my mother and asked to come stay with her until I can get better. I am 57 years old and had buried my Husband 3 years ago and the depression had taken over. My mother and I have always had a "distant" relationship, she has always been curt & nasty and very judgmental, righteous and a bit of a snob.
When I relocated back in May 2023, I noticed she was obsessed about the male neighbor and said that he was calling, looking in the window and saying horrible sexual thing to her. I realized she also would say she saw my grandparents or there were people in the yard, or in the house. I knew something was wrong, I spoke to my sister who is 50 years old married with 2 girls 19 & 17, she is a teacher like my mother) my aunts and we got her an appointment at the MedStar Successful Aging in Olney, MD, and they diagnosed her with Dementia/Alzheimer's. The problem now is she thinks that I am sleeping with the man next door. She is very unkind and says horrible things to me and I am trying to take care of the house, I was put in charge of her medication, and she did not allow that. She is not driving so I drive her; my cousin helps and drives her car to help her while I am at work. There are times I have made doctors' appointments, left work and she argued with me, so we didn't make it. She dislikes what the doctors tell her, and she has "lost" her wallet, checkbook, keys, etc. When my husband was dying from cancer and he was in Connecticut I had to drive there with my dog and I was going to leave some stuff there, I hired a large moving truck paid men to help and when I drove to my mother's house she had left - she did this on purpose. I realized that then she was starting to decline into dementia. But it was still a horrible thing to do for me.
She says and tells everyone that I "steal her medicine, toiletries, make-up, food everything" she tells them how the man climbs through the window, and she is unpleasant towards me when I come home from work. I have tried to stay away and do what I must do, clean the house, get her food, do her hair, etc. But I can't be around her too long because she ends up saying something hurtful and demeaning so I go to the room take sleeping pills and drink vodka so I can pass out.
My sister doesn't really help, she lives about 45 minutes away, she calls every day, but she really has only come over to help twice and that is because I was not there. She is the apple of my mother's eye.
The problem is I get hurt and angry, and don't want to be around her, I have become short with her. She won't wear her hearing aids so all the tv's are at the volume set to 100 and we just have found out that she has not been paying the bills.
I don't know what to do, yesterday I got angry. I told her that if I moved out my sister & her Husband Todd would not be there for her constantly and she could not live alone, and they would put her in a home. I feel horrible saying that, but it is true, my sister has said that. I don't want that to happen, I want her to go to an adult community place and have friends, do things, get a caretaker to take her to exercise library, etc. but she won't, she is obsessed with calling her doctors about her medicine and calling about her "the man". I don't know what to do, my job now is not secure, and I just want to move back to the islands with my dog. But I know she will hurt herelf or something my happen worse.

SusanB-dil

Hi Wendy-Robin - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. You are in the right place for support and suggestions.

That is a lot to handle, especially since it is someone with whom you don't have the best relationship. I'm sure others will chime in, but you can also call the alz line. I understand not wanting to be there with the accusations and anger. I'm sure you know that this is not a good situation for either of you. Unfortunately, she will not take any meds to at least get her to calm down some, she refuses to go to the doctor... and as such, you do need to take care of you, you may have to leave and call in social services. Dealing with it the way you are will not help either of you!

Good for you and sis that she is not driving. Does anyone have DPOA and HIPAA accesses?

Adding... the alz line is 800-272-3900

I care... what you are doing to 'escape' is dangerous. Please do call in.