I'm asking a question but she thinks I'm giving orders..

Marp

That's what I think is happening.

I ask..."are you ready to go to bed?" She says, "I guess." She doesn't sound thrilled but she goes upstairs.

I get that a lot and I sometimes think she does the "I guess" or shrugs her shoulders because she thinks she's being ordered to do something. I'm asking, not ordering & I try to use a kind tone of voice when I do it.

Sometimes she's a bit grumpy & uncooperative while she's doing what I suggested.

M1

Marp i try to remember strategies that i used when talking to my kids,when they were toddlers. That included not asking "yes or no" questions. For example, rather than ask " are you ready to go to bed?" you might try a declarative statement such as, "let's go upstairs now to get ready for bed." Or perhaps, "do you want to go to bed now or (in half an hour, after the news, after i feed the dog-whatever you want to say). Can't guarantee it will help, but might be worth a try....

Emily 123

Hi Marp,

My mom went from being a pre-dementia person who would do her own thing, like making lunch on her own schedule, to a phase maybe in stage 4-ish where she wouldn't want to accept anything unless I was going to do something for myself as well. She didn't want me to make her a meal if I wasn't eating right then, or wouldn't go to bed no matter the time (had lost her ability to notice time passing, I think) unless I too got up to go to bed. It must have been a form of shadowing, perhaps? And she was taking cues from me as well.

I eventually would say 'Oops-look at the time! I'm going to go to bed, how about you?' and then putter around with letting the dogs out, etc, until her getting to bed process was well underway, and then I'd have a little space to relax for a bit. I also should add that I think that most of the time she was with me she thought she had come for a visit, so maybe she was trying to be polite.

SDianeL

Marp, people with dementia can't make decisions and they don't have the concept of time. I realized that when my DH didn't want to go out to dinner. He couldn't understand the menu and couldn't decide what he wanted to eat. Same thing with tasks. If I ask do you want dinner? He either says NO or I guess. They lose their reasoning and logic. So I try to just make a statement like dinner's ready. My DH goes to bed at the same time because he's on 2 medications that make him drowsy. Memantine & Risperidone. He's sleeping better at night too with those meds. I give him his meds and within half an hour he says he's going to bed.

Iris L.

One of the best tips is to stop asking question. PWDs don't know the answer. And they can't think fast enough to respond. When you ask again, they get more confused. Diane had found the solution.

Iris

HollyBerry

I hear "you're not my boss" about ten times a day, followed by criticism of my tone of voice, "controlling my life," etc. She lost recognition of her own tone of voice and it's impact in social situations a long time ago. Her answer to most questions is "I don't care" or "whatever." For a long time I felt like I was living with a 12-y-o, but now I think she's more like 9 or 10.

If I ask a question that starts with "do you want to..." I try to make either answer ok. If it's specific - "will you clean the cat box while I take the dog for a walk?" I try to make her option favorable compared to mine. I'll stack the deck in my favor when I can -- "I made a scrambled egg for the dog but I didn't think you'd want breakfast yet, so yours is staying warm until you want it." I can't always predict what will set her off, or when. The toast is too crunchy, the cat food company isn't filling the cans enough, the pizza is like cardboard, the granola bar wrapper is too hard to get into - "you bought the cheap brand, it's awful, they make everything so cheap these days, don't buy the cheap kind just to save money..."

All this to say - I guess it's a characteristic of the disease. I could buy the most expensive granola bars in the store and she would find something wrong with them. I could ask the same question 3 different ways and she'd tell me to stop controlling everything.

Iris L.

HollyBerry, unfortunately just the questions are problematic. Eventually PWDs can't handle questions, because they just don't know. They can't decide, one way or another. Thus they are easily frustrated. I suggest you make declarative statements and avoid questions all together. I first learned this from my aunt, who had a vascular dementia. She complained about people always asking her questions. I didn't understand the problem then, but now I do.

Iris

Marp

That's funny that people say don't ask questions. Conventional advice from dementia experts is to give the PWD a choice. If you make everything a declarative statement, then you have taken away choice.

Iris L.

Marp, I will say that you have to know your LO. If you think your LO can still appreciate distinctions and does have reliable preferences, then by all means offer a choice. But be aware that if your LO appears irritated or confused, the challenge to think about making a rational decision may just be too much.

I had the same problem in the earlier days of my illness. I don't have Alzheimer's Disease, so thanks to my medications and other factors, I am better able to respond to questions. But certainly not at the degree that I was able to respond in my well days. I'll give you a small example. At one time, at the grocery store, I could not decide between chicken noodle soup or tomato soup, probably the two most common soups to buy. This caused me great consternation because I just could not decide! I was almost in tears, standing in the aisle, because I knew I should be able to make a decision, but I couldn't! I had awareness that I couldn't decide. Most of your LOs don't have awareness because they have anosognosia. But they are aware that they are upset and overwhelmed, thus they become irritated and frustrated.

My point in saying to stop asking questions is to reduce inevitable frustration, both on the part of the PWD and of the caregiver.

Iris

dancsfo

I agree with @Iris L. on knowing your LO.

For example, a LO may stand up during a meal and go to the kitchen. If left alone, she may get frustrated not being able to find the item (let's say she was looking for a condiment). So I naturally will ask: "What are you looking for? ", but the LO will not want to bother me, or perhaps can't decide, or has already forgotten what she wanted, and will not answer and will still go to the kitchen, opening cabinets or going through the fridge.

So there is no easy answer. All I can do is to follow the person as much as I can, and if I sense she wants some condiment, I will just find whatever I think was her preference and hand it to her. It doesn't always work easily like that. So you have to know your LO.

Pdxnewbie

This is a very helpful thread; my wife is constantly saying 'I have no idea' when I ask a question. For now, I will continue to ask but may change my approach in the future. I feel I am adapting constantly based on the progress of the disease.

Kibbee

Every PWD is different. DH is OK with making choices, as long as I give him limited options to choose from, such as selecting between pancakes or oatmeal for breakfast. On the other hand, he can’t figure out how to do tasks. If I hand him a pair of underwear and say “put these on”, he’s mystified and the underwear could very well end up on his head instead of where they are supposed to be.

wsugioka

I am at the same place with my mother. I say things like "I'm asking mom, not telling you" which is not helpful in the least. After several years you'd think I'd remember that I can't reason, argue or rationalize with a person with dementia, but I forget after the 100th weird communication of the day. In fact, I just found myself trying to help her with a problem she was having with her phone. It was all the phones fault according to her, and after trying to show her what was going on, the ah ha moment struck, and I just agreed with her that her phone was "broken" and the matter was settled😂

As for asking her if she's hungry or ready for bed or anything, I have found that just accepting her answer and not taking it personally is the best I can do. What a journey. Thank God for grace.

Gerald Stephenson

I'm new here. Trying my best to care for my wife who has Alzheimer. Our Dr arranged a visit with some expert to see if there is anything to be done for her. The visit really upset her. She has no interest in going back. She is so very emotional with every little thing that goes wrong.

She can not do much for herself. She does dress herself but I have to prepare meals etc.

I'm OK doing all the chores but the emotional issues are not in my wheelhouse. Sometimes the emotions turn to anger. That is problematic for me but I'm learning.

Looking for ideas..

Tom S

M1

Hi Tom,, welcome to the forum you will get more responses if you start a new discussion.

You have come to a good place for learning coping mechanisms and support. Read a lot of threads and post your questions, there are a lot of kind and experienced folks here.

I wonder if her primary care doc could prescribe something that would help her anxiety, i would certainly ask. Sometimes a geriatric psychiatrist is more helpful than a neurologist in this regard. You don't have to tell her the reason for the appointment. Many people with dementia get upset when confronted about their disease and most folks here would tell you that they avoid discussing it. Look up anosognosia, it's likely that she has it and doesn't know she's impaired.