How do I handle statements like “I want to die”

datary

Hi I’m new to this support group. My mom is 77 and has Lewy Body Dementia and Alzheimer. She is in an assisted living facility and is struggling bad. 7 phone calls yesterday and the first four were “I can’t do this”, “I want to die” and “no one wants me”. I really struggle with what to say to her. Nothing I say seems to help.

M1

Welcome to the forum, though I am sorry for your need to be here. Several thoughts: first, is the reason she's struggling that she needs a higher level of care? Would she be better off with more assistance than AL provides? Better to make the change sooner rather than later. Second, is she depressed? Certainly understandable, but she may benefit from medication or medication changes that might help. Thirdly, and this is going to sound the most harsh-does she really benefit from having a phone, or is it time to think about removing it? This comes up frequently and is not an easy decision.

datary

She is on antidepressants, the highest dose at this point. We are meeting with someone soon to see if a change or additional one might help. I’m having a hard time deciding if she’s at the point of memory care yet. She can still take care of herself mostly. She will lose her dog if we move her there and that will devastate her. I thought about taking the phone, I’ve locked it down to limit her use as she was ording random stuff and posting crazy things on Facebook.

Anonymousjpl123

oh @datary this is so hard. I felt the same way about my mom being in Assisted Living - she could do many things on her own, and valued her independence. I moved her to memory care in a crisis.

The thing is, she is getting such a higher level of care it is night and day. Granted I was lucky, not everyone does so well in the transition. And while my mom still complains sometimes, she is so much happier and more connected it’s night and day. I also believe her cognitive skills have been extended because she’s not working so hard to keep it together.

I know fielding those desperate calls can be so hard. Whether it’s memory care or just additional support, I promise it will help both of you.