Need help: Does DH need placement for his own safety?

mrahope

It's been a rough 10 days. Last weekend, about an hour and 15 minutes after I left the house to perform with my singing group, I get a call from DS. DH had called him and they were on the way to the ER. Seems DH had suffered an episode of intense chest pain that then subsided. Because he's got a longstanding history of heart issues (think stents, bypass, etc.) they elected to keep him overnight. I stayed on a cot in his room because I was concerned that he might become disoriented. I must have finally fallen asleep around 3:30 a.m. and awoke to find DH peacefully sleeping and a puddle of saline and his cardiac monitoring device on a bedside table. His explanation: "I couldn't sleep with all that stuff on me." Long story short, the nurses were able to get him to agree to be hooked up once more and no new heart damage was found. DS requested a consultation with a hospital case manager on possibilities for help for him. We got a list of local resources (having just moved here about 4 months ago I am not as familiar with them). We resolved to study them as time permitted.

And then yesterday, I was out getting the car washed and was gone less than an hour. Get a frantic call from DH saying "I can't turn the light off". I got home less than 15 minutes later to find he must have turned on the oven possibly to self-clean setting, and it was warm, though now in the off position. He also said he'd turned the stove on and some burnt on matter was there, but very little. The house smelled like burning because I'd left some foil in the bottom of the oven. And he was talking in ways that made no sense: said someone had come over and that's why he was heating water for coffee (there were 2 2-cup measuring cups in the microwave), and then asking if I thought our daughter was playing outside at school today (she's 29!).

I'm hoping to tap your collective wisdom on care options for him. FWIW, in our old location he refused day care and I also tried two in-home caregivers and he didn't relate well with either of them. What do you all think are my options now?

jfkoc

When thinking about placement there are two major considerations. Can you actually find a good one and cost.

Sometimes the problem with bringing in ourside help is in the approach. What have you tried?

M1

So sorry. It seems pretty obvious that you can't leave him home alone any longer, that much is clear. That happened to us virtually at the same time that she started not recognizing me and making threats of violence, which did result in hospitalization and placement. So yes, you may be close. Have you researched the facilities near you? Some may have day programs, it's certainly worth considering.

Dio

Sometimes the answer people seek is the one they need confirmation on. So, do you believe you are ready to place your DH, emotionally and financially? Whatever that answer is, that's the one you want confirmation on. Since I don't know your situation enough nor your needs, I'd be remiss to offer an opinion. However, as M1 said, "you can't leave him home alone any longer, that much is clear."

Not leaving him alone can be solved in many ways. Can you ask friends/family/church member/neighbors to stay with him while you go out? Can you bring him with you on short errands? It sounds like you've already tried in-home help and day care with no success, so these aren't options for you. Perhaps, you can find a place that offers respite care to test out what placement may be like for your DH and you before diving in.

Denise1847

Is there any possibility that he has a UTI, which will cause behaviors like this?

mrahope

Thanks for all the replies. Dio, what you say makes me truly think about what I'm doing. Financially, I have been preparing for this for several years, and with the sale of our former home, I have some resources to bring to this endeavor. Emotionally, I feel so anxious about this, and almost feel as though I am betraying DH by even considering it.

M1, I appreciate what you said. You are absolutely spot on about not being able to leave him home alone anymore. Heck, this morning as I ate breakfast in the next room, he fell asleep while holding a drink (fortunately a cool one) and spilled it all over the floor and coffee table. He wiped it up with paper towels, but needed my assistance to mop up the floor, and then when he saw the vacuum cleaner next to the mop he had to ask me what it was. I'm beginning to wonder if he's on the level of a two year old, where any silence could mean trouble. Really anxious and somewhat sad. Thanks for letting me talk this through.

ButterflyWings

You are describing someone who needs to be supervised at all times. As in, line of sight. It is a lot, yes, but there are many ways to get this accomplished, as the members have said. Been there, done that. I have chosen to keep my husband at home as long as possible, so trust me when I say I understand.

Please do not let him out of your sight. He needs to be watched at all times, lest he ingest something harmful or start a fire that could endanger you both, or cut himself, etc. The next room is not close enough when they get to a certain stage -- unless you are watching him on camera and can intervene quickly. In our case, even then, it is not enough. My DH must be in arm's length, as a fall risk. In mid-stages, he had to be line of sight, lest he fly the coop. He has been a wanderer, eloper, or escape artist from very early days. You LO may start any of these behaviors, or others. This is what makes them unable to be left alone. So many of us are where you are, or have been there. Please heed the warnings.

Good luck to you.

Dio

Mrahope, I can sense your fear, anxiousness and apprehension. Decision to place our LOs is not a light one, no doubt. And the guilt will gnaw at you even after placement. Perhaps to help you decide, list all the pros and cons of placement and rank them by level of importance, such as safety vs convenience, what matters most to you. On the cons list, evaluate whether you can live with these? In other words, are these strong enough to stop you from placing your LO?

If you can't fight the guilt, then ponder this: "Why is he more important than you?" Here's a discussion panel hosted by Stanford which may help give a perspective on sacrifices of caregivers. The segment around 9 minutes is the clip of Mary Felstiner, PHD, who discusses this question. Hope this helps...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaqZv1A-GTk

Pat6177

Mrahope, has your DH progressed significantly since you tried the in-home caregivers? Would he respond to them any differently now? I’m asking myself this question with my DH. So I’m just throwing it out there.

sandwichone123

In my opinion, a huge part of the question is how much you need to be away from home. If it's a few hours a week, in-home caregivers can be amazing, but if it's a full-time need it can be difficult because when an in-home caregiver calls in, you're left holding the bag.

When my dh got to this stage I was still working. I could have tried to make day care work, but the hours weren't really adequate, and dh had not done well there the few days I took him. There was no way I was turning my house over to strangers, nor did I want to manage a workforce, so I opted for placement. My dh likes to walk, so I chose a place with outdoor space for walking.