Mom doesn't want to be cared for

lorena_k

Hi,
My name is Stephanie and live near Albuquerque, NM. I'm new to this forum and dealing with dementia in general.
I recently brought my 81-year-old German mom to the US as she cannot care for herself anymore (middle? stage of Alzheimer/Dementia). Back in Germany, she was hospitalized twice in Aug and Oct 23 and the doctor almost didn't let her go back home.
Every day, she tells me she wants to go back home, even though before she always said she doesn't want to be in a nursing home, she wants to be taken care by me. I feel so bad, feel like I'm basically holding her here against her will, but she can't go back. Is there any advice how to deal with such situation?
I'd appreciate it.
What kind of help is out there? I'm working full time. Currently, my husband and I are switching of with teleworking, but I don't get much work done when I have to take care of her as well.
My mom is not interested in doing anything. We offered reading, crafting, knitting, etc., but she always denies. I can't bring her to i.e., daycare activity as she doesn't speak any English. And we still have to figure out the whole health insurance system for foreigners. Until then, we have to pay most of any care/help out of pocket.

TIA for any suggestions

TIA for any suggestions

DCCEPEK

Have a doctor help you with home health or hospice. Best help we gotten. It's still hell. So many sacrifices and pain to see a LO through this terminal illness. You definitely come to the right place. Keep reading and educate your self. It's not easy. Just being honest. I'm new here too and I read. It helps. Just haven't figured out how to take care of me.

M1

Welcome to the forum. It is going to be extremely difficult to find help for her with the language barrier. You might advertise privately and get lucky, but the chances aren't high. I frankly wonder if she wouldn't be better off in her home town? Don't think that very often, but you are in a very unusual situation. What would the possibility be for memory care in Germany?

harshedbuzz

Sadly, the resources you need to accomplish this may be beyond your reach depending on things like citizenship and medical insurance.

I have 2 friends with mothers from Germany.

In the case of the first, mom had become a naturalized US citizen, was the widow of a birth-right citizen and had a significant work history of her own. While my friend did end up taking FMLA to care for her mom at the end, the language factor was a bit of an issue as mom "lost" her English. She was able to find a HHA who spoke German for a time and she did have a large extended family of older cousins who visited mom regularly but mostly care was limited by language. I stayed with her mom a couple times in emergencies; I don't speak German but she was used to me and seemed not to expect it. We'd do puzzles, fold towels or have tea and cookies together.

My other friend came to this country as a young woman, married and stayed. Her mom lived in Germany her entire life. After mom was widowed, they trialed having mom come live with her daughter but it quickly became obvious that there would be no Medicare or safety nets available for her here. My friend's DD is a social worker at a large upscale CCRC and probably knows more about what's available in terms of services than most. Mom returned to Germany where her son looked out for her. My friend had lots of PTO and was able to visit her mom 4-6 times a year. It pained her that she could be the one to care for mom, but mom was better off in Germany.

HB