how to deal with mom not knowing me

irene912

My mom sometimes knows me, sometimes no. She knows my siblings & my children. But not me. I don't know why. How do others deal with a parent not knowing you? I'm trying to wrap my head around it, be happy to be whoever she thinks I am. How do you that? Just with time?

SusanB-dil

Hi irene - That is hurtful, for sure! My mom thinks I am her sister. We were never close, but the first time she did so, it really threw me for a loop. Yes, time helps. I'm not sure you ever really get used to it, though. MIL isn't quite sure who I am, either. She just knows that since I am there enough, I belong in the picture somehow.

My mom was a nurse, and my daughter became a nurse. No way to explain how she still often remembers her (but not always), except that they had that in common, and my daughter was actually closer to her than I ever was. But - she thinks I'm her sister and she's nicer to me now. Go figure.

M1

Hi irene. Yes, i think you just roll with it. It happens with us spouses too, and it is soul crushing when your partner of 30 years doesn't know your name. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, as she is likely to pick up on your emotional upset. The first instances of it happening are usually quite shocking.

fmb

I agree with M1, you just have to roll with it. DH confuses me with his late wife when talking to other people. It really hurt the first time he did that. I'm actually afraid to ask him what my name is. I don't think I could keep from breaking down in front of him if he no longer knows (another loss). I do know that I am a very important person to him and he wants me there holding his hand as much as possible. He can call me Wilma Flintstone for all I care!

Anonymousjpl123

My mom has recently decided that I am sometimes a nice young woman who wanted her to be my mom, and decided to start calling her mom, but I’m not her daughter (she does believe she has a daughter with my name; she just doesn’t always think I’m that person). It rarely happens when we’re together, mostly when I’m not there and she’s talking about me or when I’m on the phone. It is sad, but I’ve come to realize it’s truly nothing personal. I go with it now. It’s weird and freaky but then I remember how strained our relationship was most of my adult life. I’m trying to take this time to really be there for her, to feel unconditional love. It’s hard and weird, but it’s kind of working. I’m so sorry. No matter your relationship it is never easy.

psg712

My mom seems glad to see me when I visit, but she rarely can say my name or identify our relationship correctly. Most recently, when a staff member asked her who I was, she answered that I am her mother. It's tough but I have been expecting it. It's harder to deal with her not always remembering my son, her only grandchild:(

MissElizabeth36

I am going through this right now she know my brother and baby but don’t know me she think I am out to take her house.😭😭😭

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194688#Comment_194688

We don't know how their brains work. Heartbreaking. I still say, I love you. She says I love you back. Just have to get used to being someone else to her. It sucks. I'm sorry for what you're going thru. Maybe simply say, I'm keeping your house safe for you.

Emily 123

She knows you're a person who loves and cares for her ♥️

This happens so often... that the primary caregiver is the one that gets disassosciated from their name or the memory of what they're 'supposed' to look like first.

It makes you wonder if there's a pattern between seeing someone the most but linking their face to a different memory.

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194721#Comment_194721

Really? I did not know it happens often. So thank you! It helps knowing that.

Emily 123

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194737#Comment_194737

I don't know if it's a thing, but from what I see on the forum here it seems like recalling the caregiver's face/name or thinking that they aren't family crops up as the disease progresses. Maybe it's just because the primary caregiver is there the most often, so there's more opportunity for it to occur?

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194721#Comment_194721

Yes, she does. She asks if I moved away & we didn't see each other. No mom, we saw each other all the time. She asks how old she was when she had me. She was 34. There's also an age gap between my siblings & me, 11 years between my youngest sibling & me. Maybe that has something to do with it?

Ci2Ci

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67738/how-to-deal-with-mom-not-knowing-me

I am seldom able to see my mother (in SNF-MC) in person due to being out of state, but speak to her at least weekly by phone. At this stage, my mother is rather stuck in ~1980.

The staff will often tell her that her daughter is on the phone, and say that my mother gets all excited. I almost never state that I am her daughter, just say my name. But, she always responds with "my darling daughter" (or such). In chats, I completely avoid any time-specific topics; just general small talk. Since I cannot be sure where she is in her timeline. I might not even exist, at the time.

Today, I don't think that staff told her who was on the phone. I stated my name, as usual. I asked her if she knew who she was speaking to, and she said "My sister." This time, I did state that I [name] am actually her daughter. To which she replied: "Aren't my sister and my daughter the same person?"

Interesting. That was new. (In the past, she has had episodes of not reconciling that her only daughter is the same person who lived in 3+ different cities at different times and not separate daughters.)

H1235

When my husband went to visit his mother in Al he would always enter the room and say “it’s your favorite son ——.” It made her smile and it cued her to who he was. At some point this will no longer work, but it did for a while.

BassetHoundAnn

I visit my mom nearly every day. Some days she recognizes me, some days she doesn't. Some days she thinks I'm her sister. At one point the aids thought I was her sister, so she probably told them that's who I was. This has been going on for about 4 years. When I visit I always take her hand, look her in the eyes and say "Hey, mom, it's me, your daughter ---" and eventually recognition flickers. Although often in the course of conversation she's back to thinking I'm her sister.

Strangely, she seems to recognize my husband more consistently than she does me.

As others have said you learn to roll with it.

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/200672#Comment_200672

My mom doesn't differentiate between daughter/sister. She sometimes thinks I'm her sister, calls my siblings by HER siblings names. The family relationships are definitely skewed. Dementia is so sad & CRUEL

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/200840#Comment_200840

Yes I am sometimes a sister to my mother. Or a niece. a caregiver. A person who 'owns' the facility she's in (my home). A coworker. Or sometimes she doesn't know me at all, introduces herself, 'nice to meet you.' Or says, I don't know you. 😐️

mpang123

Just recently my dad does not know my sister and grandkids anymore. He only knows my mom and me.

irene912

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/201204#Comment_201204

I hate to say it, but enjoy the time he knows you. I'm so sorry but that may change soon. Talk all you can to him now. All the best to you.

mpang123

Thanks Irene. My Mom was so upset that my dad doesn't remember them. I told her that he might eventually not even recognize me or her in the future. It is the course of this disease. How sad...