Fearing the future

wordsmith1

My 83 yo Dad was diagnosed in November 2023. I’m guessing he’s in late 2 or early 3 stage. Still lives alone and drives. We visited 3
IL places. He doesn’t want to move from his 3K sq. ft. house into 900 sf. What have been your experiences moving your parent to AL or MC at later stages?

I’m also his caregiver paying bills, making appointments, etc. But i work FT and can’t be there for him like he will need. Your input is appreciated.

Lastly, I’ve been emotionally wrung out since we found out. I know I should “live in the moment” and I do when I’m with him. It’s when I’m at work or commuting etc. that sadness can quickly overtake me. I think about, “when will be the last time I talk to him?” and lots of generalized grief. What can I do in this situation? Is there such a thing as caregiver counseling?

VENT: Its such a see-saw. Up and down. I never know if he will be mostly normal with just memory loss, or if he will be agitated, complaining. He’s gotten himself into a few financial contracts that he shouldn’t have. I tell him to call me before doing anything like that, but he doesn’t remember to.

Thanks.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Do you hold his power of attorney? You are going to need it, so if you don't have it you need to see a certified elder law attorney as soon as possible.

Frankly scary that he is driving and making financial contracts. Very hard to understand that you are going to have to stop these things, likely against his will and probably sooner rather than later. Ditto on getting him into a safer living situation, that's why you are going to need the power of attorney. It is frequently said here that safety has to drive the decision making. It is unlikely that you'll get him to agree. Read about anosognosia, a feature of the disease that prevents him from being able to appreciate his deficits.

You should insist on a driving assessment and/or be prepared to disable his car and take away the keys. If he is using a computer, you probably need to block Internet access, by changing the password or slipping the device into airplane mode. If mail scans are an issue, have his mail permanently forwarded to your address. Telephone scams are also an issue for the vulnerable elderly living alone.. The "not remembering" things you tell him is a pretty big red flag that could cost him everything, financially and otherwise.

Sorry it's so hard. The anticipatory grief is excruciating, and Caregiver counselling is very much a real need. Your local Alzheimer's Association chapter might be a resource for therapists who are dementia-savvy.

Im sure others will chime in. This is a supportive community and if you read a lot of threads you will learn a lot and feel less isolated on this rough road.

wordsmith1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197153#Comment_197153

Thank you for all the information. It hit home and knocked me out of my rationalization. 🙏 I appreciate the wake-up call.

psg712

You are so right about the seesaw. Makes the decisions to take the car keys, checkbook, etc really difficult when someone seems reasonably lucid in conversation...then you find the credit card charges for that home warranty or get the call that your LO was found sleeping in the car in winter weather.

It is heartbreaking, but the disease itself renders them incapable of understanding that they need the help you are offering. But as mentioned many times on these boards, safety has to come before their feelings or even harmony between you. One strange blessing of their forgetfulness is that they may soon forget why they were upset.

JeriLynn66

Wordsmith, there are Caregiver Consultants on this website @ 800.272.3900. Available to help find resources, plan and just listen.

Anonymousjpl123

Sorry you are coping with this wordsmith and it is an up and down journey. Lots of good advice above: you are not alone, and at the exact right time to be taking action. Very glad you found this forum. There is so much good info and support here.