Fearing the future

wordsmith1

My 83 yo Dad was diagnosed in November 2023. I’m guessing he’s in late 2 or early 3 stage. Still lives alone and drives. We visited 3
IL places. He doesn’t want to move from his 3K sq. ft. house into 900 sf. What have been your experiences moving your parent to AL or MC at later stages?

I’m also his caregiver paying bills, making appointments, etc. But i work FT and can’t be there for him like he will need. Your input is appreciated.

Lastly, I’ve been emotionally wrung out since we found out. I know I should “live in the moment” and I do when I’m with him. It’s when I’m at work or commuting etc. that sadness can quickly overtake me. I think about, “when will be the last time I talk to him?” and lots of generalized grief. What can I do in this situation? Is there such a thing as caregiver counseling?

VENT: Its such a see-saw. Up and down. I never know if he will be mostly normal with just memory loss, or if he will be agitated, complaining. He’s gotten himself into a few financial contracts that he shouldn’t have. I tell him to call me before doing anything like that, but he doesn’t remember to.

Thanks.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Do you hold his power of attorney? You are going to need it, so if you don't have it you need to see a certified elder law attorney as soon as possible.

Frankly scary that he is driving and making financial contracts. Very hard to understand that you are going to have to stop these things, likely against his will and probably sooner rather than later. Ditto on getting him into a safer living situation, that's why you are going to need the power of attorney. It is frequently said here that safety has to drive the decision making. It is unlikely that you'll get him to agree. Read about anosognosia, a feature of the disease that prevents him from being able to appreciate his deficits.

You should insist on a driving assessment and/or be prepared to disable his car and take away the keys. If he is using a computer, you probably need to block Internet access, by changing the password or slipping the device into airplane mode. If mail scans are an issue, have his mail permanently forwarded to your address. Telephone scams are also an issue for the vulnerable elderly living alone.. The "not remembering" things you tell him is a pretty big red flag that could cost him everything, financially and otherwise.

Sorry it's so hard. The anticipatory grief is excruciating, and Caregiver counselling is very much a real need. Your local Alzheimer's Association chapter might be a resource for therapists who are dementia-savvy.

Im sure others will chime in. This is a supportive community and if you read a lot of threads you will learn a lot and feel less isolated on this rough road.

wordsmith1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/197153#Comment_197153

Thank you for all the information. It hit home and knocked me out of my rationalization. 🙏 I appreciate the wake-up call.

SusanB-dil

Hi wordsmith1 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. M1 is totally correct with what's posted.

Also - do you have DPOA and HIPAA accesses and medical POA? Very important! If you have questions on that, or to set that up, you can see a CLEC (lawyer specializing in elder care law)

Wanted to add that 6 weeks prior to official diagnosis, my MIL signed over a small beach-house to 'family', who, it turns out, was taking advantage of her. They were also taking money, and then a few other things happened besides... a bunch of 6 figures worth. We also took her off the road when we found out she got lost. After we took her off the road, we found out she had gotten lost several times, and she even finally admitted she came to an intersection and forgot what to do. She is used to not driving, but we had to disable the car and tell her the part was on back-order. We also told our helpful neighbor (God bless him) not to put the wire back on. Also please consider that if there is a lack of judgement that causes an accident, dad could hurt an innocent party or himself. With the diagnosis on the record, insurance does NOT have to pay and that could cause catastrophic loss in case of any damages, and even a lawsuit.

As far as everything that has happened with MIL, even not involving the car, this is now 3 years later, and we are still dealing with fall-out of a really bad mess.

MIL never did use a computer, but there is another poster who also had to step in for their dad.

Your dad is living alone - please do check fridge and pantry for anything expired, taking meds properly, and even taking care of himself properly. He doesn't remember to call you before doing things, so there are probably other things he is forgetting.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. It is hard. It is heartbreaking. Do check back - lots of information here and can even commiserate.

psg712

You are so right about the seesaw. Makes the decisions to take the car keys, checkbook, etc really difficult when someone seems reasonably lucid in conversation...then you find the credit card charges for that home warranty or get the call that your LO was found sleeping in the car in winter weather.

It is heartbreaking, but the disease itself renders them incapable of understanding that they need the help you are offering. But as mentioned many times on these boards, safety has to come before their feelings or even harmony between you. One strange blessing of their forgetfulness is that they may soon forget why they were upset.

JeriLynn66

Wordsmith, there are Caregiver Consultants on this website @ 800.272.3900. Available to help find resources, plan and just listen.

Anonymousjpl123

Sorry you are coping with this wordsmith and it is an up and down journey. Lots of good advice above: you are not alone, and at the exact right time to be taking action. Very glad you found this forum. There is so much good info and support here.