Feeling guilty about selling her things, her house. I know I'm not the only one.

creid9995

Hi everyone,

I'm sure there are many of you who have gone through/are going through this and would love to hear from you. My mom was diagnosed with dementia (we don't know what type) about 4 months ago. We had to move her into a memory care facility. I am now at the point where I need to sell her house, and probably have an estate sale. I'm feeling really guilty about this. Logically, I know and understand that she will never "get better" and will never be able to move back into her house and care for herself, but there's this little part of me that is struggling with selling her things and her house when she's still alive. I've talked to one estate sale company, and have a real estate agent lined up. I feel like this would be easier if she had passed. But knowing she's still with us, and having to sell everything - it feels "wrong" somehow. I need the money from selling her house to help pay for her care.

I would love to hear how y'all got through this. I'm really struggling.

thank you!

Chris

harshedbuzz

@creid9995

This is hard stuff. Mom had to sell both dad's "dream house" and the fun place in FL and move to a smaller place near me before dad died which upset him greatly. I did most of the work of coordinating with the Realtor teams and getting the places ready as well as the logistics of the move which meant making decisions about what to jettison and what to keep as their POA. We also had to sell off my aunt's beautiful oceanside cottage and compound and deal with her stuff years before she passed. I wasn't in charge on that one but did participate in the sifting through of a lifetime of someone who while dear to me was very private. We did bring in an estate dealer which I highly recommend, after we'd done a first pass to distribute family pieces we wanted to keep and to find as much of the hidden cash and jewelry as possible.

The one thing that helped me get through this sorry process was to remember that as POA for health and financial lives, I had an obligation to make the most prudent decisions on their behalf. In my parents' case, the sales were necessary as they needed cash out for the purchase of a new place in a HCOL area. And while my aunt had enough money to fund her memory care without the sale of her home, allowing is to sit empty would have been deemed irresponsible. This applies to a PWD's car as well if they aren't driving or if it is not being used to transport them for outings and appointments.

There was a possibility of a seasonal rental, but it would have to cover the costs of rental management, taxes, maintenance, and insurance as well as make a profit to be justifiable. We did do this in the place in FL for a time, but it wasn't worth the hassle and risk of owning in a hurricane prone area.

I have a friend who grew up on a farm whose mom is in MC. The POA leases the land to other farmers and one of the homes on the property which covers mom's care and the costs of running it. The sister who took the lead on the parents' care for decades lives in the nicer home as caretaker of the property. They don't plan to sell until mom passes (she's in her late 90s) at which point the sister will move back into her own home which she currently rents out. I don't think they expected things to go on as long as they have. His mom went into AL in early stages before my dad was even diagnosed and dad's been gone almost 6 years now.

HB

terei

When it comes down to it, it’s just ‘stuff’. If the money will help your loved one, thats the important thing, to my mind.

H1235

I am nearing the same place. My brother is having a very hard time with it. I understand and want to be sympathetic, but sometimes you have to do things that are just really tough. He doesn’t want to do anything behind moms back. Can you imagine a parent with dementia going through things with you. So I’m dealing with two people that can’t make rational decisions and the heartbreak of going through the house. Anyway know that you are not alone and it has to be done. Still doesn’t make it any easier does it.

Marie C.

I am currently in the middle of the process of selling my Mom's home. I understand completely the feeling of guilt when it comes to selling her stuff. We moved my mom from Florida to VA to be closer to me. She is in a care facility. I feel like selling all her things is getting rid of all the things she worked so hard over her life to be able to have. But intellectually I know she will never return to Florida and that she no longer needs the things. I also remind myself that she no longer even remembers the stuff that I am getting rid of so she won't really miss it. It is hard though! I try to keep reminding myself that it is just stuff and the funds from the sale are better used to fund her care. It is hard and I totally understand the guilt so please know you are not alone in your feelings. Just keep your goal of caring for your loved one in the forefront and the good you are doing for her.

Smilescountry

It is really hard. Really, really hard! We moved both my parents to AL over a year ago. Knowing that it would be difficult, we had my brother-in-law to go through their house to pull out things important to them to decorate their "new apartments". He is so good at that, and they loved it. I then took the things from their home that we just couldn't give away or sell and put them upstairs in my farmhouse. (A year later, I am still working on that!). For everything else, we either sold or gave to family the rest of the furnishings. I let Mom know who got what, and she felt good that her precious things were going to be taken care of my people that she loved. (Dad had no clue.). A young couple bought their lovely home, and they were thrilled about someone just starting out getting their place. The difficult thing about selling things is that Mom keeps asking me to bring things to her from my house, some of which I no longer have. Fortunately, she is okay with it most of the time because she still has a lovely place where she is now and has several very special things in her room.

psg712

Chris, I can relate to this situation. I moved my mom from out of state to a facility near me almost two years ago. After she was settled for a few months, my sister and I and our families went back to clear out the house and put it on the market. It was really hard to do, but we had a tight timeline so we didn't have much opportunity to mourn the situation until later.

We also hired an estate salesperson to help us. He broke the news as gently as he could that much of mom's stuff was of little monetary value to others. The heartbreaker was her old piano. We offered it to a variety of places as a donation but literally no one would take it, and none of us had room or funds to haul it 400 miles to our homes. She had no longer been able to play it for some time. It went into the industrial-sized dumpster along with other "stuff". We hated to get rid of so much of our parents' history, but we had to face the fact that none of us had the space to keep it all.The stuff I did bring back with me is still sitting in tubs in my garage.

Selling mom's house was not as hard, once it was empty. She definitely needed the money to help pay for her care. She only asked about it once after moving out, and now does not remember it at all. It's a tough transition, but you will get through it. I felt as you do, that it would be less complicated to do all this if she had already passed.

ICalE

I am nearing this situation now, although I'm still living in her house after she moved to the ALF. I moved in to help her, never planned to stay, but then it just seemed easier for me in some ways since I have no other family at this point. She is on Medicaid, so she's allowed to keep the house as a "primary residence." It doesn't feel like my place, so when I move eventually I probably will sell it too or perhaps rent it out.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that my Mom has a house of stuff whose existence and arrangement is so her. I mean it all reminds me of her style in such a good way. Of the things I have decided to sell - furniture mostly and other odds and ends I'm not sentimental about such as the 1980s blender- I decided to list in a lined journal just for this purpose so I can look back on it. I describe the item and then date it with the price I sell it for. I've also taken pictures of everything too and how it was all arranged in case I want to see it all again or rekindle memories. She's had the house since the 70s. Some of the items, like some old clay pots, I've donated or given to interested neighbors because I don't think I'll use them again. These make it into the journal too but this time I date it and say "gave away." I'm always very intentional when I sell or give things away, so it feels right to me. I don't just like pawn the stuff or something is what I mean.

For some mental space or resetting I've put some of her stuff into boxes for now. Then when I'm ready I can make a decision.

I hope this helps a little or gives you an idea.

DTSbuddy

Thank you for the stories and ideas. My DH is probably at stage 5 and has very little language. He lives with me in a house with a shop that stores his ice axes, tents, skiis, bike gear, tennis raquets, saws, drills, sealants, paints, lawn edger, etc etc. I've taken a couple trips to good will and toxics dump, but I'm procrastinating at clearing out what I will never use. My DH likes to handle the gear, and 'reorganize' it beyond all recognition. I'm worried he may hurt himself. But it keeps him busy and this is his 'man cave'. It feels wrong to clear out the gear that he loved to use, and thinks he may use again. His friends say that he just really can't play tennis, golf, or ski anymore. He looks and acts like himself some of the time. We take long walks together, and dance in the kitchen. It's hard to accept fact that I'm not going to wake up and find the fog has cleared, and he's better.

Ok. I need to schedule a reality check with his MD. I need to get someone to take him out while I sort the stuff. And I need to get rid of the acetylene torch for pete's sake. Best of luck in all your decisions..

VictoriaR

Both of my parents have dementia. For the past 7-10 years, we've been noticing a decline in both of them and they have each had one or two serious falls per year. We've had many conversations over the years trying to get them to accept outside help or help us to make plans and decisions about their future living arrangements. They have refused to accept any options other than they continue to live at home independently. The final straw was when my mother fell and broke her elbow and wasn't physically able to drive. We got them into a MC unit "temporarily" and have since told them they cannot go home to live. At this point, the would need 24 hour care and we can't afford that and keeping their house. So, my brothers and I have decided we need to sell the house to pay for their MC facility. They both still want to go home and every time they plead for us to take them home, we just feel terrible. Now we have to clean out their house and put it on the market. We plan to tell them but it is going to be so hard. They don't accept their diagnosis and don't believe anything we tell them about how much they do need care which has been confirmed by their doctors. We are so tired of the emotional roller coaster and the sleepless nights. At least now we are worrying about their emotional state and not their physical safety and health.

terei

IMO telling them what you are doing is not the route to take. At this point, I would be giving them a story about mold in the house or a flood or broken furnace. ‘You cannot go back until the (whatever) is fixed + there are problems getting contractors, parts, materials etc etc etc . Tell them you are doing your best to get it done. Repeat repeat repeat. They do not need any information that would upset them + they will likely forget what you have told them anyway.

In good time, they will do ok at the MC. Telling a PWD the ‘truth’ or convincing them of the logical reason behind their move is not going to be fruitful for anyone involved.

Emily 123

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/204434#Comment_204434

Victoria, I agree with terei. They're already upset, and probably create a bit of a feedback loop between them. Trying to reason with them when they've lost the ability to process information will only add fuel to the fire, and will be stressful for them. It's not comfortable making life decisions for parents, and it would be lovely if they could understand why we have to—then we wouldn't feel guilty about the decisions that have to be made, right? But that's our need, not theirs. They have limited abilities to process emotions and information now, and can't see the losses they've had because they have no memory of them. The dementia robs them of the ability to use reasoning. You've done a good job getting them where they need to be, but there's no point in causing them (and you) emotional distress. It's ok to fib and divert them. If you find the conversation circling around, then it's ok to make an excuse to leave. If you're feeling stressed it's ok to skip a visit or two, or just pop in quickly.

JMP

> @creid9995 said:
> Hi everyone,
> I'm sure there are many of you who have gone through/are going through this and would love to hear from you. My mom was diagnosed with dementia (we don't know what type) about 4 months ago. We had to move her into a memory care facility. I am now at the point where I need to sell her house, and probably have an estate sale. I'm feeling really guilty about this. Logically, I know and understand that she will never "get better" and will never be able to move back into her house and care for herself, but there's this little part of me that is struggling with selling her things and her house when she's still alive. I've talked to one estate sale company, and have a real estate agent lined up. I feel like this would be easier if she had passed. But knowing she's still with us, and having to sell everything - it feels "wrong" somehow. I need the money from selling her house to help pay for her care.
> I would love to hear how y'all got through this. I'm really struggling.
> thank you!
> Chris

Hi Chris,
I am in the exact same boat. How are you doing with this, now that a month+ has passed since you wrote this? I am closing up my dad's apartment in 2 weeks. It's horrible, I feel all the same guilt. He is lucid sometimes so it feels esp wrong to not tell/ask him. He gets very upset when he asks questions and when I respond to things I think he can handle (even in a vague way) he says "why didn't anyone tell me". I know he couldn't handle the news but I still wonder if I should tell him we've had to move him out, he's living at the nursing home now? The staff are all about including him in decisions as much as possible but I don't agree with them. Anyways, just wanted you and the others who posted to know they are not alone.

ValsMom

Hi Chris. I think we all feel some sort of guilt (not my brother) about selling our parent's home and more than likely, it was our home also. I am the one who was having a hard time even wanting to sell her home, because it was the place I could go when I needed to escape the city and become that tomboy, country girl who had no care in the world, on nine private wooded acres. I wanted that for my children, which they did get to experience for awhile…even my grandchildren. The house is just not a home, it is the one place where generations could go and just let go. Not to mention the fact that she asked us not to sell it. But then just last year, I took Mom home to her house to check on it, and she didn't recognize it at all. I had to show her where the bathroom was. This was the point when I knew it was time to sell. She really has no money from all the years she worked, but then I realized that I was holding on to her wishes. The guilt is gone and now the house is just a money pit and sitting…too nice of a ranch home to just sit and wither away. I think the thing that has hindered this whole process so far, is the fact that that home holds all of our memories and STUFF..it's like a museum in there!!! I even have one of the first Easy Bake Ovens in the attic (I am bringing that to my home…pack rat much…yep). We had hoped that it would be done by now, but I live in Georgia, my brother in North Carolina, other bonus brother in Atlanta and the house is in SC. This has to be timed with our busy, busy schedules. One thing I know for sure …. everyone who has ever lived in that house, will have a hand in cleaning it out…LOLOLOL!!! I've already put labels on what I am definitely bringing with ME!

So Chris, it can take a while to get that peace within you, but I assure you once you do, you will make the right decision on when to let go. Allow yourself to grieve over your childhood (if you grew up there)..not an easy thing to do, then give yourself grace, which in turn will create peace, to move on for yourself, as well as, for your mother.

We're here for you! ValsMom

concerned_sister

"it was the place I could go when I needed to escape the city and become that tomboy, country girl who had no care in the world, on nine private wooded acres. I wanted that for my children, which they did get to experience for awhile…even my grandchildren…"

I realize my thoughts aren't necessarily rational. But it would be nice in such a situation, to be able to compliment your parent on providing such a loving, wonderful atmosphere to grow up in and share with your children. To everything there is a season. Now it's time for another family to enjoy all that the place has to offer.

Jackie_K

Also about to face this myself and wondering how things went, @creid9995 ?

My mom has been living in the same small house for 50 years now. My dad died almost 30 years ago and it is the one thing she holds on to as the memory of her life with him. The idea of selling it is absolutely soul crushing, and I struggled to wrap my brain around that concept when the lawyer explained this is what we would need to do to pay for her care.

When she was initially diagnosed, we had the discussion with her doctor about when it would be the right time to move her - and while no one has been able to tell us when the 'right time' will be, her doctor at least agreed that taking her out of the house would be extremely traumatic and would need to be thought through and handled very carefully.

My mom's house and belongings aren't worth much, but she is so proud of it and so attached to it that I just get so sad every time I think about it.

@concerned_sister - that is a beautiful perspective, thank you for sharing it.

Sending hugs to all those who have gone through this and will be going through it soon.

shelllou

Our Mom moved to memory care 16 months ago and we are finally almost done getting her house ready to rent. With 50+ years worth of possessions to assess (keep, sell, donate, throw away) it has required so much emotional, physical and logistical work. It's just so hard. There is the grief about our Mom, and the grief about saying good-bye to our family home and our childhoods.

One thing that has been helpful for us is to accept hands-on help from others who are not as close to our Mom. They can work faster and not get side-tracked. We hired a professional organizer who came over for a series of daylong "shifts" with us at the house. It was expensive, but worth it. It jump-started our process when we were procrastinating and helped take some of the emotions out of it. It helped mitigate the guilt and instead, it became more of a day's work, with a start and end time.

My heart goes out to all of you who have gone through this, are going through it, or are looking ahead to this.

M1

Yep, I'm going to HAVE to hire outside help. But I had a breakthrough today, for some reason after two years in memory care I could tackle my partner's closet today, bagging up clothes to give and throw away. Tough. It's a dent…but the size of the task is overwhelming. I have a house, cabin, two barns full of "stuff." It will be one mega estate sale eventually.

wctraynor

My mom was a hoarder in her predementia stage. I was so scared of what I'd need to deal with on her death, but she doesn't remember any of it now. Absolutely nothing. I am able to keep pictures etc but everything else has been rehomed/recycled/donated. It all served its purpose, now we hold on to the time we share and just make her comfortable in her little bubble.