Unconditional vs Obligation

NUMber2

The apple certainly doesn't fall far from the tree. I simply can't cope with caring for her personal challenges and then all of the other incidentals- bills, wills and care for example.

I've been managing her bills, finances, doctors visits, care for 5+ years. Has it been easy, no. Has it been emotionally manageable, yes.

Now, I do her laundry, clean her apartment, take her on all of her doctor visits listen to her stories, complaints, irrational thoughts etc... over and over again like Groundhogs Day.

I have finally been honest with myself I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS! I have to stop!!!

I don't mind being that supportive daughter but I don't want to be her caregiver too. If her butt needs washing, I don't want to do it. If her clothes are on backwards , or stinky or soiled, I don't want to fight with her about changing her clothes. I don't want to watch her pick every piece of food out of her mouth when we're out for a meal. I'm tired of trying to help her feel "normal".

Is it possible with this rotten disease to just be a supportive daughter? I don't want to be her caregiver.

She clings to me as if she's drowning- which she might be. But I honestly don't think she cares if she brings me down with her.

M1

I do hope you can get her in the right level of care environment, as that seems to be part of the problem. You don't have to feel guilty about not handling the hands-on care: not everyone is cut out to do it. She is past caring whether she brings you down--but remember this part is the disease. Loss of empathy is part of it. I remember feeling overwhelmed at my children's needs sometimes when they were babies: but they couldn't help it, and neither can your mom. I'm sorry.

Anonymousjpl123

I hope you can find some support. Personally I cannot IMAGINE being a full time caregiver to my mom, but I know for some it is the only option. Truly please do reach out for support - here and other places. Are there services in your area - like adult day cares etc - so you can get a break? Perhaps someone can come 2 or 3 x a week to help with chores and bathing etc?

It’s an awful lot for everyone, especially mothers and daughters, and especially if the relationship has been fraught. Hang in there. Good place to vent. You are not alone.

Quilting brings calm

I understand. I could never be a full time live in caregiver to my mom- and particularly not my step-dad. It’s why we moved them to assisted living. I’m still doing a lot - but I’m not giving her a shower etc.

and there are times when what I do do seems too much

Emily 123

Unless you've tried you won't realize how time consuming it can be.

If I recall correctly, your brother had also said he couldn't supply the day to day care at the level your mom requires. Sounds like you're all past the point where daily 'drop-ins' will work.

Now that her needs are better defined you can move forward with getting her into an environment where there's support 24/7.