Telling the truth

Buggytoo

I have put my husband on the waiting list at a small number of memory care residential homes. He is probably in early stage 6. As I read the discussions here, it seems most people who place their spouses in memory care use a ruse to get them there. Is there any reason why I can't just tell the truth to my husband? The truth is that his explosive behaviors and incessant agitation are not tolerable for me and caring for him has diminished every aspect of my well-being. No, he wouldn't take it well, but isn't it a better practice to keep being truthful about this situation? Does anyone ever tell the truth? He wouldn't remember the conversation, of course, but I have always been honest and feel so very uncomfortable telling lies.

RayeMc

Even if my DH would not remember the conversation later, I would not want to even momentarily hurt him by saying he had diminished every aspect of my well-being. He has a disease that he has no control over. When my Mother had dementia, I did not even tell her that her last remaining sibling had passed away. I knew she wouldn't remember it but it would cause her those immediate feelings of grief and sadness and would serve no purpose. I suppose each person has to decide on their own how truthful to be.

harshedbuzz

@Buggytoo

The short answer is NO.

Kindness is always the more noble choice.

Pragmatically speaking, the logistics of the move will be easier and safer on you if you create a narrative that causes him the least amount of anxiety and pain.

Even if this behavior was typical of your relationship, his brain is diseased, and he can no longer be held responsible for his actions. You have been denied closure on this. And, yes, it is beyond unfair.

You sound angry. And I get that. Me too. My mom and I had to work through a lot of anger in the context of dad having been less than I deserved as a child and ghastly as a husband much of the time. Mom, especially struggled with not trying to get the upper hand against a man who was emotionally abusive most of their marriage. The few times before she learned to do better, she risked antagonizing him into violent outbursts which could have ended terribly for both of them.

One thing that helped mom was medication and a talk therapist to support her and help her work through her very justifiable anger at the situation in which she found herself. I'd worked through my issues with dad decades prior, so I was more able to remove myself emotionally from the vitriol most of the time once I truly embraced the mantra of it's the disease talking.

Is your husband taking any medications for his explosive outbursts and agitation? If not, I would pursue this first. Not necessarily to avoid placement, but to make sure you don't have to deal with him being sent to the ER and not allowed to return to the MCF. If things are critical, you could have him transported to the ER of a hospital with a geripsych management ahead of the move to MC. You don't deserve to be living in a state of constant agitation and walking on eggs shells. In an ironic twist, once dad was properly medicated and his disease progressed, he settled into a much gentler and sweeter version of who he'd been which brought a closure I never expected to have. YMMV.

HB

Quilting brings calm

The reason people fib is because it gets the objective done with the least amount of disruption for the caregiver.

Basically you are wanting to tell him off. You are also still hoping for a reasonable apologetic response from him. He’s not going to be able to process your statements to him. In addition, since he’s being angry and belligerent, he’s not going to be give you an apology. Instead he could become violent. Besides this being dangerous to you, it could cause a placement offer to be rescinded

The time for telling him how you really feel has passed. Right now your goal is to get your life back by getting him placed. After that happens, you can write it all down, go to a quiet park, read it out loud and then put the letter in a lit fire pit.

M1

Agree with HB across the board. The people you should tell the truth to are the MC administration, if you don’t address the explosive behaviors before he is admitted his stay there is likely to be very short.

Phoenix1966

It would certainly feel good in the moment to get all of this off your chest, but it could well be a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face. Everyone here has made very valid points.

You need to get your life back and the only way to do that is to place your husband. Don’t do anything to rock the boat now that the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight.

Buggytoo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202241#Comment_202241

Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience.

Buggytoo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202248#Comment_202248

I will read and reread your thoughtful response to my post. Especially, I need to consider my anger and whether or not I am addressing it effectively.

Buggytoo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202251#Comment_202251

Good insight for me to ponder. . . Especially trying to minimize my upset and disruption.

Buggytoo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202254#Comment_202254

I'm trying to get the right combination of medicines to improve my DH ability to manage his anger and agitation. In fact, if I could get that accomplished, I could probably last longer as a caregiver. Thank you for responding - it is helpful to have your input.

Buggytoo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202267#Comment_202267

I appreciate your comments and kindness.

ButterflyWings

(((@Buggytoo))) you have received the very best feedback here, and your replies sound like you are taking it to heart. I hope so, as I agree with everything above.

Also, I wanted to say how much your feelings and comments are understood, and they are words that perfectly reflect the reality of caregiving life and how so many of us also feel. You DO need to get those things off your chest and some have found good therapists and or in-person caregivers groups to help them do so. Others, me included, use this wonderful community to vent and rant to our hearts content. You have come to the right place to share those feelings that might truly backfire if you said them to your DH instead.

Buggytoo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202329#Comment_202329

Thank you! I am relatively new on this forum and grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts and get this wise feedback.

mrahope

I, too, have a lot of qualms about the untruths I'm going to have to tell. It used to be because I was angry and thought DH deserved to hear about that. Now, it's more that I'm afraid I'll be caught in lies if he has a lucid interval. That hasn't happened yet, and I've "practiced" telling small fibs in less important situations just to see the effect. To date, I've been amazed at how little I need to tell him. Progression is real. Why not try it with less important things? For instance, instead of "We're having pizza tonight because I don't feel like cooking" try "I know you love pizza". Just my .02.

Buggytoo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202371#Comment_202371

Excellent idea. Thanks for sharing.