As of 2:00 today, my DH is in Memory Care
When you say for better for worse, in sickness and in health, I'm not sure I thought about dealing with dementia. My husband who was diagnosed with FTD 3 1/2 years ago is not in a Memory Care facility. My heart is breaking. We met 41 years ago, and have been married almost 38. I'm not sure I'll ever be ok without him
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You will be okay. For now, try to breathe, relax, and trust that all will go well with the placement. You did all you could do up to this point. Now it is time to think of yourself and your well-being as well as that of DH. It will never be easy, but it will get better day by day. You can visit as his wife of 38 years, no longer his direct caregiver. You can sit quietly and hold his hand, you can walk with him, you can enjoy meals with him, you can begin self-care, you can sleep soundly at night, hopefully dreaming of memories of happier days. I've been there; I wish you well. You can do this. It is for both of you. 🙏ou 🙏
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I feel the same way. My husband was recently diagnosed. Some days I’m completely overwhelmed at the idea that he’s going to be gone sooner than later.. I can’t imagine life without him.
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CStrope,
Having been where you are, I can tell you putting your LO in an MCF definitely sucks. But I am convinced that my wife is better off with the socialization (until she zoned out completely) and 24/7 care she receives in the MCF than I could provide for her at home. I don't think that's just a rationalization on my part either.
I think you are doing what is best for both of you and is completely consistent with "for better or worse". I hope your DH adapts as well as my DW did. As beachfan says, relax, visit, and recover. Let us know how it goes.
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@CStrope You are definitely in deep end of the “for worse” part of the vows. By placing your DH in MC, you can continue to be his wife and advocate now, putting the caregiver aspect on the back burner. You haven’t forsaken him by doing what you’ve done. You’ve made sure he gets the best possible care available from a team of people who work in shifts and are not exhausted. And you can take care of yourself now, too, which I know he would definitely want you to be doing.
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I wish there was something I could say that would take your heartache away. Please know that we care, that you are stronger than you think and that you will get through this. Look how far you have come with the struggles of 3.5 years.
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You'll be ok but it will take a while. My DW has been in memory care now for almost two months and I'm still trying to adjust to being home by myself. It's good in many ways but after caregiving for so long I feel a bit lost and my heart still breaks for her every single night when I'm alone with my thoughts. I miss having her here but I don't miss the ugly side of this disease. It's lonely a lot of times but being able to sleep at night and have a quiet cup of coffee in the morning makes it worth it to me. That cup of coffee in the morning is a small pleasure I thought I'd never see again.
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I felt guilty when placing my father in MC. But I realized that he was getting much better care than I could ever do for him.
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I hope you are able to get some much needed rest . Sending (((hugs))). You journey has been a tough one and I pray that MC adjustment goes well for your DH
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the adjustment is never easy but I'm glad you did it. Keep us posted how it goes.
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Oh, so hard, I know. You’ll shed lots of tears as you go thru this change. Change like this is just so difficult to wrestle, and wrestle you will. May you be comforted by trusting your reasons for making this decision when doubts come flirting. You wouldn’t have made this choice unless necessary for you both as a married couple. You’re still married, and you’re still his wonderful wife dealing with his formidable illness.
There is a misnomer that placing your spouse is taking the easy way out, having been through it, it isn’t. It was one the hardest parts of Alzheimer’s for me. It took awhile for me to understand that as much as he railed against it, a smaller routined environment for him was well overdue. His worries about things and trying to keep up with what’s going on in my bigger world of managing a home and staying connected with family and friends is so much less stress in his controlled “home”. Everyone’s spouse is unique, mine was my shadow and until his dying breath he will desire to keep up with me. I visit him now twice a day, we go for walks in parks, church, coffee, and I shower him and tuck him in to bed each night. I can focus totally on him and he so loves these times. It’s win/win, and I know in his well mind, he would understand.
This is not to say, I’m not missing what we enjoyed pre Alzheimer’s, or even early Alzheimer’s, the middle stages were hell, and no one can miss that, but this advanced stage of his loss of cognition is a peaceful one. I wonder about bringing him back home, but I see evidence of higher stress in him when we stop by our daughter’s house and the focus isn’t just on him.
Continue to take care of you, as you’re still so important in overseeing his good care!4 -
Thank you for sharing this as I am struggling with what to do. Hearing about others and the decisions/choices they are making, and why, really helps. In my situation with my DH, I am seeing increasing agitation and anger, more wandering and less engagement with anyone but me. He spends hours a day being unhappy and complaining in a kind of aggressive manner. He has tried to exit a car and tends to leave the house when he gets frustrated, leaving me to figure out how to get him back inside. He can figure out any locks I have installed. I can't really have phone conversations with anyone, as he gets agitated or angry. Oddly, he seems fine with not driving, which shocks me, but sleeping often doesn't happen and he will get dressed in the middle of the night, then go looking for shoes. I hide them nightly, so he finally gives up but the lack of sleep, the constant surveillance and fear take a toll on my mental and physical health. I can't really have phone conversations with anyone, as he gets agitated or angry. We had a wonderful marriage for 46 years, but this final stage has me wondering what to do next.
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Linda: is he on medications? Probably needed, keep talking to his docs. Cstrope, will be interested to hear how it's going.
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@M1 , well 5 days in and he seems to be doing okay. Today was the first day I didn't stop in to see him at all. I had to start back to work on Wednesday, and since DH is no longer home, I needed to be present in the office. Last night when I walked into the MC, he looked at me and asked me why I was there! When I told him I came to give him a hug, then proceeded to do so, he looked at me and told me not to do that!!!! When it was time to leave, there was no begging to go with me, no questions or confusion, he just turned and walked away.
I think the hardest part for me was returning to work. Other than a handful of 1/2 days that I put in at the office, I hadn't really been around that many people in 4 years!! First the pandemic hit, and that's when we noticed issues with DH and had him diagnosed. I looked around at all these people with big smiles on their faces, talking about their families and their plans for the weekend, and I was struggling to look at spreadsheets through my teary eyes.
As far as missing him at home……that part wasn't so bad. It had been so long since he made any type of positive effect on my day/life, that there wasn't any good things to miss. I know that sounds terrible, but I came to terms a long time ago that this person is no longer my husband. This person hasn't had a conversation with me in 2 years, hasn't said "God bless you" when I sneezed, and hasn't had any interest in television or anything else remotely relaxing and enjoyable.
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Sounds pretty good for five days in, overall. I can only imagine that going back to an office environment was difficult. Glad those days are behind me....i hope you'll be able to establish a new healthy routine for yourself.
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Cstrope, I’m glad to hear your husband is adjusting to MC. I’m sure that going back to work will be a huge adjustment but it may also provide a good distraction. I remember when I placed DW that I would do almost anything to get out of the house, it was just to lonely there in the beginning. I hope the transition continues to go well for both of you.
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Good to hear that DH adjustment has gone fairly well. Best wishes to you as you now put one foot back into “ normal??”, and have one foot still in “dementia” world.
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Things will get better. What helped me the most was reaching out and finding other women who were also single. If you know anyone like that pick up your phone and just call them. Set up time for a coffee date, walk or a movie. Everyone likes to be thought of and will happily respond to your invitation. Next you will be the one getting calls to do something with them. Also set the number at the memory care to have its own ring tone. That way when your phone rings you won’t automatically think it is the facility. Your husband is in the world that makes sense to him and you are not in it but you are there to protect and watch over him. Never feel guilty about taking care of yourself in your new world.
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I would not be able to cope with this. I say this now, but I know we have a way of adapting and giving in, especially when we’re tired and our options are limited. I’d ask the doc for meds and see if that’s enough. Otherwise, or maybe once he’s settled on meds, I’d start thinking about placements and touring facilities. This is a very unsafe and unhealthy situation for both of you.
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Sounds like you went thru a lot. You deserve your life back.1 -
I’m so glad to hear that your husband is adjusting well to memory care. That is a blessing. My husband has been in memory care about 2 1/2 months now and I still miss him terribly. As others have said, you will adjust. I hope that going back to work, even though it’s a big adjustment for you, will be a blessing. You hang in and try to take extra good care of yourself. Sending hugs.
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Update…….2 week in and things are going quite well. People ask me how he's doing and I tell them same as he was at home except now he has multiple people doing what I was trying to do by myself. I have also found that when I visit him I am much more relaxed and can enjoy the time.
The first few days after placement I couldn't believe how exhausted I was!!! I was finally able to recognize the level of fatigue I was suffering after several years of being a caretaker while working full time.
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Happy for you that it's going well so far. It takes a long, long time to recover from the exhaustion—if one ever does completely. MC requires a different kind of vigilance.
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I can honestly say that placing DH in MCF was the best thing for both of us! I did my homework in advance and found the right facility. They're taking so much better care of him than I could. Today is exactly 1 year since DH was placed. He's doing so well now that I almost feel guilty leaving him in MCF care. But those who know our journey will remind me of why I had placed him in the first place. And that I'm not abandoning him because I'm providing him with the best care. That, is the highest form of love. Give yourself a hug…
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I feel exactly as you do.My DW of 50 years has been in skilled nursing for two months now. I miss her terribly (not as she is, but as she was) and am very lonely, especially at night. Does anything help with the loneliness? I talk to my lab so much that she probably wants to tell me to be quiet.
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My husband of 44 years has been in MC for just over three weeks. He SAYS if I really need him to be there so I can catch up on sleep and start to feel better, he will stay, but he has packed up everything I had moved to his room. He cleaned out all drawers and put it in pillowcases and the two trash cans I had placed in bath and bedside. Twice at night he has tripped over clothing he was carrying down the hall, once requiring a trip to the ER for stitches. He also severely scratched his eyeglasses on that fall. Yesterday he had even taken down the shower curtain and liner. I'm frustrated but so far have been leaving things packed up so he doesn't fall over them again. The staff says others have done this but I imagine they're getting frustrated, too, not knowing which of his clothes and bedding are clean and which are dirty. I suggested to nursing director that I bring a small suitcase he could "pack" but I'm afraid that will make him think he IS going home. I'd appreciate any advice! (They added diazepam to his meds the first week.)
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welcome to the forum. My partner has been in MC for two years and still “packs up” almost daily. We can’t keep a laundry basket in her room because she packs it, and she will do the same thing with trash cans, so the ones that are there are very small. After a year in her current facility, the most progress is that she no longer takes the pictures off the walls. But she still unplugs the lamps and a music player. I’ve had to keep the furnishings and clothing to a minimum to try to accommodate. She will only shower and change clothes once a week, so we typically have them do laundry once a week, as we change sheets and towels on shower day too.
Long way of saying, some folks just do this. My partner still wants to leave, but she no longer remembers that we lived together, so it is less forceful now than it used to be. I hope your DH will settle quicker than my partner has.
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Thank you.
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Today he had taken his bed apart, unscrewing the legs and putting them in various dresser drawers (at least he's using the dresser for SOMEthing, I guess). The unmade mattress is on the floor. I just couldn't deal with it so I came home. Not sure if someone at the facility will fix the bed or if I will need to hire someone. (It's an adjustable, which I wish now I hadn't spent the money on — not sure where the remote wound up.) Sigh.
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OMGosh, I placed my Husband in Memory Care on Friday after being in the hospital for a month. I really believe I have never done anything so difficult. We have been married 25years and my heart is breaking and living alone seems to bring sadness that is rearing its ugly head daily. I have been his 24/7 caregiver of 11 years with Vascular Dementia . His is and has been my entire life. I have no children but was blessed with 2 wonderful supportive step children. I guess I should keep counting my blessings …….but how I miss him and our life. Does it really ever get easier?
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I am so sorry…..my heart breaks everyday for "us". He has been in Memory Care for 9 days right now… adjusting maybe, but each day everything changes with this disease.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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