Moving to a Memory Care Community

anngarner14

Does anyone have suggestions on how to talk to your parent about moving to a memory care community? I’m trying to find the words that my Dad would understand. He’s not able to rationalize anymore and has never liked change.

CaliforniaGirl-1

Something simple like, "We have found you a better place or better room or a place where you are going to be more comfortable."

M1

welcome to the forum. I think most here would say that you don't discuss it ahead of time, because: 1) he won't remember; and 2) more importantly, he can't process the information. Many of our loved ones have anosognosia, don't appreciate their deficits, and think they are fine. Most here would recommend just going to the facility on the assigned date, as if going to a doctor's appointment or out to lunch, and let the staff meet him at the door and take it from there while you slip out.

Some admissions are easier if done from a hospital or a rehab facility. In which case, the memory care can also be billed as a "rehab facility;" that's what's worked for my partner (in memory care for two years now with no memory of our previous home together or of our 30 years together). If your dad is going to be moved to memory care from his previous home and you have to say anything, some would say—AFTER he is arrived and moved in, which the staff can handle—to tell him that there was a problem (sewer, gas leak, radon, whatever you want) at the previous house and isn't it great that we found this nice place to stay until the problem is fixed.

Smilescountry

I think that what works depends on the person. I think that the best idea, if you can find a way, is to make some kind of connection with him that will allow you to move forward without upsetting him too much. The place where my parents went had a policy of a three-month trial stay. It is an actual thing that they share with residents, but the director told me that no one has moved out at the end of the three months. My parents took that offer when they moved there, but by the end of the three months they realized that where they were was not all that bad. In fact, they really liked it. However, knowing that they had ninety days to make a decision made them much more cooperative. Also, we worked really hard to find a place that would be a good fit for them. Dad can look out his window and see the creek where he used to play with his grade school friends, and they can birdwatch (their favorite activity). They know some of the residents and workers, and it feels very much like home for them, home with the supervision that we could not provide. We were fortunate, and I know that it isn't always that easy. However, it would be nice if you could find a very simple way to make him feel that he was part of the decision in some small way. I would not bring up anything that he is incapable of understanding or that would upset him, though.

Anonymousjpl123

Hi @anngarner14 I did everything I could to make my mom feel she was moving to a highly regarded senior community when she first moved to Assisted Living. For that move, she thought she was moving to a senior condo (not completely untrue). Her move to memory care was different. By then, she had no rationalizing ability either. I did the physical move myself without her knowing. Then I told her I found her a better apartment. It was hard when she realized it was a locked facility, but miraculously she settled in, somewhat. I just didn’t focus too much on it, except trying to make her feel comfortable and that not much was changing. I kept a lot of her decor the same.

One word of caution: no one “loves” this move. I wanted that for my mom and in hindsight that was not realistic. You dad may take a while to adjust. It’s hard. But it can also be really positive in some ways.

Also for what it’s worth: the first move from her home was not optional. It’s terrible, but we were at that point. At that time, I said “I love you, I think you need more support, and we’ve got a few options here.” She said no, we could wait a year, and I said that wasn’t an option. It was hard but when done with love, it rights itself. Good luck, it’s not easy.