Venting/Help

FrancieNolan

Hello all, I just joined this group and have been reading posts to try to figure out what is happening with my dad and how to handle it. His situation does not fit neatly into any diagnostic criteria from what I can tell. Sorry, this will be long.

He is 85, my mom died about 10 years ago. I live a few miles away, my brother is in another state (though on the same page as I am about our dad.) Long happy marriage but he hated being alone and started dating immediately (there is a huge market for men in their 70s with hair and $!) His first GF took advantage of him and I had to help dig him out of a messy legal situation (I'm a non-practicing attorney.) Our relationship changed then as I saw the evidence of how ridiculous he acted with this woman and the dumb decisions he made (maybe this was the beginning of something going on mentally.) However then he met a lovely woman and they were together 5 years, living together part time. Things started to change about 2 1/2 years ago and she left because of the changes he refused to address.

First we noticed he was clicking his teeth, which became almost constant. He insisted it was a dental problem but it persisted after he got the crown repaired that he said was the cause. His personality started to change from outgoing, funny and talkative to quiet and withdrawn. The GF said he would refused to talk to her, if she said "what do you want to do this weekend?" he would say "I don't know" and stare off into space. His version is "she became controlling and mean" (which I think was her asking him to go to a doctor or get therapy.) We also noticed confusion at this time, like having difficulty ordering from a menu, and repeating himself more often than before in the same conversation.

He would blow up at me when I brought up the teeth clicking. I have POA and HIPAA waiver, so I tried to get in touch with his doctor, I wanted to just write an email explaining what was going on. But he has Kaiser so that is a huge process. I gave them the documentation but was told they had to call my dad to get verbal permission before they talked to me! I knew this would not go well so I asked them not to. But finally his doctor talked to me and said not to tell him. He blew off the cognitive issues we were seeing ("Oh, i misplace my keys sometimes too lol") but did call my dad and ordered some tests about the teeth clicking. My dad said "they gave me 10 tests and I'm fine, it's just a nervous habit." Well the doctor said the MRI revealed that he had had strokes, but "not in the part of the brain that affects movement." He also referred my dad to a neurologist but as far as I know he never went.

So we have been in a holding pattern for 2 years now and recently some more concerning things have started. He still clicks constantly, he can barely walk but will not even talk about using a cane or walker (he did fall around the time of the break up but he never told us, the ex did.) A few months ago he started doing this thing where he panics if he can't get in touch with us (I'm talking if we don't respond within an hour!) We returned from a trip last week and slept a bit later the next morning and by 7:30 a.m. I had a text and 3 voice mails, he had called my husband and adult daughter saying he was worried that "something happened to us." He has done this many times and I have talked to him and said we always get back to him within a few hours but can't always be at his beck and call, he promises not to do it again and then he does. He can barely carry on a conversation on the phone or in person. He will ask a pre-planned question like "how is work going?" or "how is (grandson) doing in baseball?" but then not listen to the answer or repeat something he already said. He sits quietly when he comes over and we talk around him. He says he is "lonely" but I have run into friends who have reached out and they say he doesn't return their calls. He does have a group he says he goes out with but I'm not even sure that this happens.

He should not be driving but I don't have enough evidence to confront him on this. He just passed a written test to renew his license! He promised not to drive at night but then did it anyway and got angry when I confronted him. He drove over an hour on a windy mountain road to go to a funeral but I think it scared him because he said he wouldn't do it again. We have set him up with Uber and I have sent him info about car services but I am not sure he has used these.

Interestingly though he has forgotten conversations I haven't seen typical forgetfulness. He remembers every time we meet, to the exact time. I have taken him to eye appointments that he remembers. He will call my daughter the day she returns from a trip. But since he lives alone I have no idea if he is forgetting other things.

I just feel like we are waiting for something bad to happen before we can make changes. I can't force an adult man to see a doctor. The things people suggest (like "tell him you are taking him to lunch and then drive him to the doctor!") wouldn't work with my dad, he would insist on driving himself, and he outright refuses to see a neurologist or even address his physical issues.

So I guess I might be just venting, but if anyone things this sounds like something they have dealt with or has any suggestions, I would love to hear. Otherwise, thanks for listening.

Quilting brings calm

You are in the right place and it does sound like mild cognitive impairment. There are a few things that can mimic that, so you might be able to use those to get him to the doctor. ‘ Dad, let’s have the doctor order blood tests to check your B12 and thyroid levels. I hear many men have low levels and it’s a quick fix ( shots or tablets)’.

If you live in a state that allows citizen reports to the DMV, you could report him and let them be the bad guy.

The frequent phone calls and anxiety when you don’t answer is a classic sign. Not much you can do about it other than what you are already doing. You don’t have to answer every time he calls, but that won’t stop him from repeatedly calling. Anxiety and depression medication helped my mom in this area.

Truthfully you may have to wait until a crisis occurs and he lands in the hospital to get some issues addressed. It’s sad and scary, but as you say, you can’t force him to the doctor.

There’s a new member group that you can get to off the main menu that has tips and resources in it. You might find that helpful.

FrancieNolan

Thank you very much for your response. It helps to know that although I am on the right path in knowing something is wrong there may not be much I can do at this point. I will check into our DMV rules and at least I have that if it gets to that point. I will also look at the resource you mentioned.

Anonymousjpl123

yes it’s true what Quilting says: it does often take a crisis. Your dad sounds like something is going on, but until external things “force the hand” it is tough to get treatment and diagnosis. I found that keeping a record of things that had happened that concerned me helped, and making sure siblings and I were on the same page. It’s good you are acknowledging this now.