Sad and caring formy mom 4 years

Fuzzarilly

I'm new here. I've been caring for my 85 year old mom who was diagnosed with dementia/alzheimers in 2021. She just started asking about her mom, my grandmother every night, who I also cared for when I was a teenager right out of high school when my mom was working back in the early 1980's. My grandmother passed away in 1982. Now my mom just started about 3 months ago where she wants to call her every night. So I'll finally relent and give my mom her cell phone after I can't deflect any more. I'll watch her on the cameras and she goes in her bedroom and starts looking for her phone book and gets sidetracked then ends up calling my sister and she forgets about her mom . But it's so heartbreaking. I cry everyday. I've never been so sad. I miss my mom so much. And some days this is just the most exhausting disease ever.

M1

Welcome to the forum. My 81 yo partner asks for her mother every day and thinks that both her parents are still alive. it is said that their oldest memories are the ones that persist the longest, so this is not uncommon. I just go along with it and we reminisce about her mother, whom i knew and enjoyed a great deal.

mabelgirl

🫂 digital hug

easy23

My husband thinks his parents are alive too. Sometimes he wants to go visit them and that's always a problem. I have to get real creative with the stories I tell him so we don't get in the car. Yes, it's very sad and stressful.

Anonymousjpl123

My mom regularly asks about “our mom.” I just go along with it. She also asks about my other sister (I don’t have one), who, oddly enough, has the same name as me. Once in a while she will say “where’s dad?” Meaning my father, who passed away 3 years ago. Other times she’ll talk about her parents. I just go along with it all, and try to meet her where she is. It was really painful at first but I’m getting the knack of it. Just try to meet her where she is.

Lynn24

My mother experiences the same behaviors. She asks for her dad often, who passed away in the mid 90’s. This is normal behavior for this disease, and often we respond by just saying, no, we haven’t seen him, since her short term memory is non existent.

Fuzzarilly

What confuses me is my mom and I will be having a conversation then a couple of seconds later she will say "Where is my mom?" Does her present memory just leave that fast and go backwards? Because I could swear that she was fine just a minute before. And when this starts happening, will one day when she starts talking about her mom is she just not going to come back to her normal self? Is that how this disease works? I'm so afraid of completely losing her. Everyday is torture. I've never been so sad. I miss my mom so very much.

BassetHoundAnn

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211300#Comment_211300

I'm so sorry Fuzzarilly. This disease is so horrible. My mom went through the same thing. Up until the very end she was asking me every night "How's mother?" and "Can we call mother?" Horrible.

I'm crying right now for you. And for us.

Sending you digital hugs.

psg712

It's so hard to understand how their minds operate. My mom has also asked me "have you talked to my mother?"And on other occasions, she has introduced me to others and said I am her mom. She has asked me to get an ashtray out for her dad. In her mind, they are apparently alive and well.

Fuzzarilly

It's just all so sad, watching it progress. I'm just learning about all of this. I've just realized how much I've been in denial until I started reading about everyone else and how they feel also. It makes me feel not so much alone like I was. Thank you all for your comments and help.

Meredith1284

you arent alone and im so sorry youre going through this. Im finding myself trying to locate the sacred in all this--- but man its brutal. I feel grateful I can offer my love and care, and am so saddened by how ill prepared our society is to honor and tend to our elders. Just sending you love

JeriLynn66

”trying to find the sacred in all of this”. Yes. Yes.

Exhausted2022

So grateful to finally realize I am not alone. The 'symptoms' and behaviors described here by others are identical to what I have been dealing with. This is so heartbreaking and exhausting all at the same time. I feel so guilty about being so ANGRY. I just want my mom back. I have not accepted that is not going to happen.

SandraS

I'm new to the forum and to dealing with my 83 year old mother who move into my house in May bedbound and with Alzheimers/Dementia. I came looking for a forum because I have really been struggling. She was extremely angry with my moving her in, she thinks she can take care of herself still even though she can't get out of bed.

This week has been particularly hard because I thought she had gotten beyond her anger about the move, but it came up again, and in the midst of that she is asking me about her mom and if her mom knows where she is and why hasn't her mom been over to see her.

I don't want to lie to my mom, I don't feel that I can tell her that she died in the 70s as I'm worried that will cause her to mourn her mom.

I'm posting to this thread as I'm hoping someone has ideas on how to deflect her when she asks about her mom. Nothing I am doing is working right now.

I ask her what year it is, she can tell me. I asked her who I was, which pissed her off, she responded my daughter. But, in the same sentence she asks about her mom again. So things are jumbling up for sure, and with her still being part way here I'm really struggling how/what to do to deflect.

Any suggestions are very welcome. Thank you in advance!

M1

Hi Sandra. A lot of folks with dementia think their parents are still alive- including my partner. There’s not much point in trying to correct them, and in general it’s best to just go along. The best answer is generally the one that gives the most comfort. Maybe you can just say something nonspecific like “I’m sure she’ll be here soon.” While it’s a natural instinct not to lie, in the case of dementia fiblets or white lies that give comfort can help keep things calm. Think of a toddler, you’re not going to tell them that there’s no Santa Claus-this is similar.

Daisie

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/219292#Comment_219292

Hi, SandraS. Like M1 said, it's all about meeting your LO in their reality. It's a lot of smoke and mirrors to keep peace and keep emotions to a minimum. My mom does the same about her mom and dad and my dad, who passed several years ago. I just say that I've been in contact with them, and everything is okay…. they know where she is and can call me if they have questions. It seems to help. I'll also tell her that my dad said that everything is okay and that he wants her to just do what I tell her to do (hee hee). That literally kept me in the house one night when she wanted me to leave because it would make him mad. She was appeased.

Fiblets get easier after a while. It was hard as heck for me at first, but it's becoming more fluid. I also watch how the caregivers are at the hospital with her and have learned a lot.

yearofthedragon

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69386/sad-and-caring-formy-mom-4-years

my mom does similar things too.. wanting to "go get" her mom and dad.. when they passed away in the late 1900's

Lucy C

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/212178#Comment_212178

"The sacred" is not easy to see on a day to day level, but nonetheless, we have this: these are the lives which tenderly brought us into this world, and we are tenderly guarding them out of it. On a micro-level it is messy, painful and ugly—but look beyond, and it is the completion of the circle of life.

Lucy C

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/218627#Comment_218627

I wonder—if time permits—if you might want to consider connecting with a local grief support group. Unlike those who lose a loved one to death unexpectedly, those of us who care for someone with dementia have to do our grieving beforehand—and because the disease goes on so long, we keep losing and keep grieving for much longer than is typical with a sudden death. That creates its own unique emotional health challenges.

Hugs, and prayers.

gliadoc

just reading these is helpful. thank you.