Stuck with what to do

Lseale25

This is my first post ever, on any forum whatsoever! The process of trying to care for and protect my parents (one with Alz and the other with vascular dementia- both in total denial) has opened me up to all kinds of new and unpleasant experiences. At least this one feels positive. I don’t know where to go from here- my father is being emotionally abusive to my mother, and I worry how that is worsening her Alz. He has never been this way, total personality change. Mom is devoted to him in ways I can’t even understand, so she won’t leave willingly. I did recently get power of attorney for both of them. I have major concerns with the doctor “treating” them, and want to get them in to see someone else. He refuses to tell either of them they are impaired?!! And even with signed hipaa forms and poa, his office giving me a hard time getting the records. My mom is willing to see another doctor, and my dad is being “forced” by his business partners to be evaluated by a neurologist. I live three hours away, and am an only child. They have shut out any local support from family and friends. Money is not a problem, and an account is being set up to help me pay for their care. But neither believe they need anything whatsoever. I went to visit recently and they wouldn’t hardly let me in the house (dead bolted the doors and wouldn’t answer for 30 minutes, despite knowing I was coming). I go back next week to try to attend the neurology appointment with dad.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Familiarize yourself with anosognosia, it’s quite different than denial. They truly believe they’re fine.

The short answer is that you probably need to move them close to you, preferably in a place that has both assisted living and memory care. It makes sense to get them reevaluated but honestly the only doctor who Might help is a geriatric psychiatrist. The real solutions here aren’t medical but practical. Good that you have poa and that money is not an obstacle. Don’t expect them to agree. Very hard when it’s all on you. You have come to a good place for advice and support.

Lseale25

any advice on how to get them to agree on any intervention? Sorry know I’m new

Anonymousjpl123

Welcome to the forum…it is an absolute nightmare situation and you will find really good support and advice here. I did. With my mom, I brought it up a few times: “hey, I think it might be really good for you to have someone come in and help, or for you to move to a place where there are more things to do, and they will shop for you, etc.”

She refused.

Eventially, after a few “incidents,” I brought it up again and said I really thought it was time. She disagreed, pleaded for a more months to see how things would go, and I said “Mom, it’s time. I wouldn’t be doing this if it didn’t absolutely have to happen. It’s not an option.” I was crying, and did give her the choice between assisted living and an in-home aide. She chose assisted living.

Your parents will most likely not agree, so the best advice I have is to keep a list of the reasons you are pushing for this. It’s really hard, but so worth it. The alternative (leaving them alone) is just too dangerous. It’s really good you have the POA. The neurologist can help. I would also start visiting some places and see what you think, just to get your head around it all.

Lynn24

@M1, Welcome to our support community. I experienced the same behaviors with my mother. We moved her in with is to another state almost two years ago, and we had to trick her to get into the car, for us to bring her home with us, even though we had transitioned her months beforehand, to stay with us every month for a week at a time.

There is no winning with them when they are determined to keep their independence and stay in their home. I had to do what was best to keep her safe.

She has declined very much nowadays, but she still occasionally says that she wants to go home, so I encourage you to do what you believe is best. I have been in therapy for past few years, of which has helped tremendously on this journey.

Be Blessed!

H1235

Welcome. I know it seems wrong to force them. It’s uncomfortable and heartbreaking. My brother spent a month trying to convince mom she needed assisted living. He said if she would just agree it would be so much easier. All he did was make her angry and upset. Aside from anosognosia (which I think is more challenging than memory issues) is their ability to reason and problem solve(again often more difficult than memory problems). With all these thing going on they are probably not able to make the decisions necessary for their wellbeing. As POA it is up to you to step in and make the very difficult decisions necessary to keep them safe. They can’t do it! There is no need for an intervention. The decision is yours. Period no discussion. It’s very hard, I know. I would start looking for a place to move them near you now! Managing in home care from from 3 hours away does not seem practical to me. As far as changing doctors I wouldn’t worry about that until you have figured out where they will be living. It would probably be worth while to contact the neurologist before the appointment with all the information about what you are experiencing with your dad. He might be able to prescribe something to help with the anger.
When you visit I would recommend taking a good look at their living situation. Is there expired food in the frig, are bills being paid, are they showering(that is often a problem), are there scorched towels in the kitchen. Are they still driving?
I know you have a lot on your plate, but I would also recommend learning as much as you can about dementia. There is a lot of great information here. Without knowledge you’re going into this blind and that is not good.
Personality changes are not uncommon.
I wish you the best of luck.