From The NYT: The Ethicist- Spouse with Dementia

harshedbuzz

I have so many thoughts on this starting with "has this columnist ever lived with a PWD?"

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/14/magazine/husband-dementia-divorce-ethics.html?unlocked_article_code=1.z00.2GoA.8KLGpmxh2ufJ&smid=url-share

M1

it's behind a paywall HB

harshedbuzz

@M1

I, hopefully, fixed it.

HB

Quilting brings calm

@harshedbuzz

I don’t think the columnist has ever MET a person with dementia. I’m not sure they ever even read an article about dementia. Dementia doesn’t change the essence of a person????? OMG.

M1

Agree this was written from ignorance. Superficial. Too bad the person who initiated the question wasn't referred here. Interesting to think about how many cases of early dementia might cause divorce before being diagnosed and that is very sad to contemplate. Certainly i get it though- one of my partners early manifestations landed us in a marriage counselors office.

harshedbuzz

@Quilting brings calm

In terms of essence of personality and character, what I saw was more of a distillation of what was already there into a more formidable form.

The younger of my aunts maintained her sweet nature and lovely manners, so I suppose that can happen.

On the other hand, mom could have been that letter-writer any time from about 2012 on. At that point there's no way he would have been flagged by MMSE or MoCA, but his personality took a real turn to the dark side.

His lack social filter allowed more folks to see a side of him with which I was familiar which was isolating for them both. By the time he was diagnosed in 2016, he'd burned through social groups in 3 states and both their siblings. Dad wasn't ever someone mom would have ever described as nice, but pre-dementia he was smart, entertaining, very handsome and always up for an adventure. She is passive by nature, so their relationship worked until the apathy kicked in and all empathy was gone. By this time, there was no semblance of the man she committed to 60 years prior. She forgave him for all manner of marital transgressions but struggled to relate to him as a partner once dementia took hold.

During this time, we had many conversations about how unhappy she was in her marriage. She did consider leaving him. We even discussed divorce as an option on our initial consult with the CELA. At the end of the day, she decided against it. In retrospect she's said she'd glad she stuck it out. I think time to process and a better understanding of the scope of dementia helped.

I get a sense this writer's DH is in a second marriage with adult children aka "his family". Perhaps if that is the case, this woman knows support won't be forthcoming from them.

HB

Quilting brings calm

@harshedbuzz

I get what you are saying about your dad. Thinking about it - my step-dad and mom’s personality flaws were indeed magnified by dementia. Yet I’ve also read about many people who seemed to totally flip their personalities. However - my parents’ ‘life-force’ were so incredibly diminished- they were( and mom is) so seemingly empty inside. Their ‘essence’ was gone. If that makes sense?

M1- I hope someone directs that poster here. Because I think this forum addresses ‘ethical’ questions honestly. I wouldn’t hold it against the poster if she left now. I know I’m a daughter rather than a spouse - but no one knows how often I’ve wished I had moved out of state years ago like my siblings did. Maybe then one of them would be the one stepping up - nah, I’m the eldest and the only one that would step up.

We’ve got divorced people on these forums who are involved to a certain extent.

LindaLouise

I was caught up short when I read "age-related dementia can erode people’s capacities without effacing the essence of their personality and character." In the case of my DH, a sweet, thoughtful, very calm person has turned into someone who is suspicious, scared, angry and paranoid. The columnist may have only experienced one person with dementia, whose disease took the course which left the essence fully intact. In my case, it has been like getting a completely different spouse - one who requires me to tread so carefully in order not to trigger an angry outburst. It saddens me that those reading this in the NYTimes, when they do encounter dementia in a family member or friend, will not be prepared for what many of us have faced. There already is an information void and articles like this don't help. I wish dementia was as described in this article, but sadly it is not the case for so many…

harshedbuzz

@LindaLouise said: " It saddens me that those reading this in the NYTimes, when they do encounter dementia in a family member or friend, will not be prepared for what many of us have faced. There already is an information void and articles like this don't help.'

I suspect the feedback on this piece will reflect a different view. It'll be interesting to watch the comment section in the coming week.

HB

sandwichone123

This writer thinks a spouse's actions can "keep the ship afloat?" This was the claim that really blew me away. No clue…

Iris L.

"I encourage you to seek couples counseling attuned to the challenges of dementia." Right here is cluelessness about couples counseling and about dementia. This "philosopher" has no knowledge of dementia or of the goals of couples counseling. He is just making things up. This is unbelievable!

Iris

Quilting brings calm

@harshedbuzz

Your comment: I suspect the feedback on this piece will reflect a different view. It'll be interesting to watch the comment section in the coming week.=
I went to the article just now and looked at the comments. It’s very obvious that most of the responders have never been dementia caregivers. They call out the letter writer for ignoring her in sickness and in health vows and call her selfish. The comments that have compassion for her and advise her to do what she needs are all from former caregivers

harshedbuzz

QBC—

I noticed that too.

HB