We need help!

JWan

My husband and his siblings are struggling to get their mother into assisted living. Doctors have been ZERO help with diagnoses and claim she has memory loss due to old age. She has presented well at her last 2 appointments. However we get 5-10 calls daily because of numerous things. (Lost her keys, lost her purse, cant work the tv). And while these things are just mild there have been several severe instances as well. Whenever she loses things she is convinced someone got into the house and stole them. She has lost her car, taken rides with strangers, opened and closed bank accounts without remembering why, gotten lost or forgets where she is going, paid the same bills several times. She is adamant that things are not as bad as we say. She calls us hysterically crying when she can’t find something. Becomes very angry when we try to discuss these issues with her. We have conversations about her safety and she will agree to things, but then the next day have no recollection of the conversation. Having conversations with her become repetitive and she asks the same things multiple times. She’s not remembering to take her meds, she has notes all over the house yet still doesn’t remember things. We are becoming more and more concerned. We have filed paperwork with the DMV because driving does not seem safe and she refuses to give up her car.

I guess my main question is how do you know when it’s time for assisted living and how do you get someone to go who doesn’t think they need it?

psg712

As many will tell you here - if you think it's time, it's past time. She may even need more care than assisted living can provide, depending on the facility.

While you look at your options, a few things need to happen ASAP. Take the car keys, credit cards, checkbook and any important papers. Disable internet access. Don't ask or tell her. Just do it for her safety. She's going to need someone to manage her medication - not just fill a pill box but dole out the doses at the right times, and keep the bottles where she can't get them. Imagine what could happen if she takes a daily medication several times in a day because she forgot that she already took it? And taking rides from strangers sounds just as scary.

This stage was a nightmare in my mom's situation. Except that she didn't call us crying when she got confused, and we (the kids) were a long distance from her so clueless for quite a while. In the meantime she signed up over the phone for home warranties, bought $900 of Target gift cards for a family in "need", mismanaged medication, almost let a homeless person move in with her … and so on. I found notes all over her house too. Most were the phone numbers of robocalls that she copied from her caller ID.

Does anyone have DPOA for her? That person can get her evaluated for placement and set up the move. Don't try to convince your mom. She can't understand and will not remember the conversation. Just do what she needs to keep her safe. I'm sorry for your struggle. Most of us here can relate.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Several things:

All of the behavior you're describing is very common. You don't tell her she has dementia or try to reason with her, her brain is broken and she can't do that any more. It will just make her defensive, as you've seen. Educate yourself about anosognosia, it's a feature of dementia that prevents her from being able to perceive her deficits. She truly thinks she's fine. Therefore-

You are going to have to act for her safety against her will and without her agreement, just as you would for a toddler. If no one holds durable power of attorney for health and finances, that's the first thing you have to do. A certified elder law attorney can help with this (look for lists by location at nelf.org). Meanwhile, you do exactly as psg suggested, disable the car and the internet and take away the credit cards. Have her mail forwarded to you. Turn off the ringer on her phones so she doesn't answer scammers. Frankly it sounds like she is not safe to live alone, ideally she should probably have someone stay with her or vice versa until other arrangements are made. Use an excuse like a gas leak or sewer line repair if you have to.

Be very prepared that she may need memory care, not assisted living, which is an expensive proposition. A good elder law attorney can help get her qualified for long-term Medicaid if she can't afford private pay. The requirements vary by state.

you have come to a good place for advice and support.

H1235

Anosognosia is common with dementia. It is a lack of understanding or recognizing the symptoms they are experiencing. She will probably never agree to AL since she thinks there is nothing wrong with her. There will be no convincing her and trying will only cause problems. It sounds like it is definitely time for AL! Her safety should be your priority. If there is someone with a DPOA now is the time to get her into AL. It’s hard and she will be mad but it’s necessary. If there is no DPOA would she be willing to sign the papers? I would recommend it be approached as a precaution for the future. If you scare her with talk of dementia or AL she may not sign. If this doesn’t work guardianship will be necessary. You may be able to do an emergency guardianship. See an elder law attorney. Without DPOA or guardianship I don’t think you can get her into AL without her agreement. Her financial safety is important here too. AL is expensive, and Medicaid has strict rules about gifting money. If she violates these by giving large sums of money away she could end up in a difficult situation. I agree with psg712, don’t ask her to stop driving, don’t worry about contacting the dmv, just take her keys. I would not worry about having a DPOA for this. As far as finances are concerned you really need the DPOA to act on her behalf, but you can still take away the credit cards and check books. It may be necessary for someone to move in with her temporarily. AL facilities can have waiting lists and it may take a bit to figure out legal matters. Many people in this situation find it is even worse than they realized. Dementia is awful. Diagnosis to rule out treatable conditions is important, but in my opinion her safety should be the first priority. Unfortunately there is not much that can be done to treat dementia. This forum is a great resource.

JWan

we are in California and we feel like everyone we contact is worried about elder abuse because at some times she appears fine….is anyone else from California?