@PRC regarding Grief

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(This has been reposted from the "Supporting Those who have Lost Someone" section for more exposure)

Please include "@PRC" in your reply so responses go to PRC

Well, here goes.

I lost my DW in March after 5-6 years as her caretaker and I still feel completely lost and overwhelmed by grief. As many times as I read from those who say they feel grateful and happy for the times spent together I've never had that. Objects and memories around the house trigger sadness, not thankfulness. In fact, I feel nothing but emptiness and heartbreak. I really don't give a damn about anything anymore. I still get out of bed, eat breakfast, take a shower, tidy the house then sit idle watching TV reruns or self-medicating into near oblivion.

The suggestions of getting out, joining a club, meeting new people do not interest me. I'm not a churchgoer and usually I find the prospect of 'mingling' with people unsettling if not actually terrifying. I won't invite anyone over because I do not want to feel trapped in my own home. I used to have a nice yard and a garden but caring for DW left me exhausted; the yard is shot and my garden gone to seed.

For the last 8 years it's been rancid politics, she cracked a vertebra and a couple of ribs in a fall, then COVID, Alzheimer's, a broken hip, shingles and now she's gone. My DW had some terrible last few years on earth.

I do not know how to deal with this or how to 'reset' myself but I know I need to. Or should I just try to hang on for another 6 months, hope that passing of time helps and try to make it through?

Anyone else gone thru something like this? The usual remedies and suggestions don't seem to be helping.

(BTW, this was not easy to write, at all. Glad it's anonymous. Guess I just needed to purge)

CindyBum

@PRC I haven't lost my DW yet, but have been already swallowed by grief. Not quite to where you are now and I'm so sorry you're in it and struggling.

The one thing I finally did for myself was reach out to my primary care doctor. I did that on mychart, so didn't have to go into the office. She prescribed me a pretty low dose of an anti-depressant that helped me get out of my depression/grief rut enough to go outside now and again. Then I started gardening again. Then I upped my dosage because my wife continues down this awful path.

I was very against ever taking anti-depressants, because I grew up in the midwest where "suck it up and tough it out" is the typical prescription for depression. I'm so glad I tossed that aside and started in on them. I can move now, even though I'm still terribly sad.

Maybe you'll see a little window open from trying it?

SDianeL

@PRC my DH passed August 12. I understand how you feel. The sadness starts at diagnosis and lasts years. Exhaustion from caregiving contributes to your sadness. My Mom was a very wise woman. She always said to do something to honor the person you lost. Eat a piece of their favorite pie or cake. One husband who lost his wife went to nursing school to help Alzheimer’s patients to honor his wife. I am looking into ways to honor my husband who was a Marine Corps Veteran. He wouldn’t want me to grieve for him. He would want me to live the rest of my life. Start with small steps. Maybe one plant. Her favorite. Please contact your doctor for something to help you. ❤️

Elshack

@ PRC I agree with the other posters who suggest that you see your Dr and ask for an anti-depressant med. They usually start you off with a low dosage. You won't feel like a zombie but it will keep you from not being able to cope with life in general. I don't know it you are up for seeing a therapist but that may help. I am in stage 8 myself since last Nov. I kind of feel that my DH would not want me to put my life on hold and I bet your DH would be the same. It is almost like honoring their memory if you can get up everyday and do just one more positive thing for yourself. Maybe it is taking a walk ,listening to some music …something that you enjoy. Try just clearing out a small patch of your garden and working on that. Everyone's grief process is different. There is no magical time. Just know that I feel your pain and hope that you can do just one small thing that brings you joy each day. I would venture to say you are exhausted from years of caregiving.. Be sure you get enough sleep.

midge333

I am not yet to stage 8 but I have been seeing a therapist and recently my internist started me on an antidepressant. I can personally recommend both. I would also recommend going for a walk every day. Walking is meditative and helps you work through things.

PRC

Thank you all for your kind and insightful replies. You are MUCH appreciated-

RickM

“self-medicating into near oblivion”

PRC, so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife 2 weeks ago.

Lots of good recommendations above but the above statement in your post concerned me. If my interpretation is wrong I apologize. However I post my experience because if not you I expect there are others here that may gain something from my share.

I was self medicating also—with beer. Mainly after my wife went to sleep at night, but, in the last year, I was really able to ramp it up when I moved her to memory care.

I started to lose motivation to do much else except care for her. Additionally I found myself wondering if I was becoming clinically depressed. Most of all, I was worried about how much beer I was drinking in an attempt to numb my feelings. I found myself going further and further down a rabbit hole of negativity and becoming a person that I did not recognize.

If you are self medicating with alcohol I would suggest you start there. My research about the effects of alcohol abuse confirmed my notion that a lot of my symptoms and depression were related to excessive drinking and that I was becoming/was addicted. Fortunately I recognized this before my wife passed. I had started a year long program to moderate or stop my drinking. While I am not completely alcohol free, having suffered some setbacks during her final week and when she passed, I am back on the road to recovery.
Do we ever fully recover from the Dementia Experience?

Without alcohol on board I am finding I not only feel better physically and sleeping better, but I am dealing with the grief more effectively. I’m slowly climbing out of the hole and can see a light that hopefully will guide me towards the life I will have without her.
Our son won’t have to watch his dad waste away after the long goodbye with his mom.

I deserve this having survived this horrible journey and I know that she wants me to go on because I can feel her presence every morning when I wake with a clear head.

Take care