Feeling Guilty/Stressed

aback78

Hi Everyone - first time here. My father had a stroke last March and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's/Dementia....he is around Stage 4-5. I am an only child and we had to move him in with my family....Husband and 2 kids (13 and 11). It's been a little over a year and it's really taking a toll on me. My job is being really awesome and allowing me to work from home. He does attend an adult day care 2 times a week (which he hates). He has told me and everyone that if I put him in a home he will haunt me. I don't know what to do. My kids play all kinds of sports and he can't attend them all - it's just way too much for him to go. He doesn't understand that when I am home working - I am working and he has to leave me alone. I get angry with him and I hate that. Has anyone dealt with anything like this or does anyone have any suggestions? I don't want to put him anywhere because he is my best friend and I do love him but I am afraid that this is affecting me and my family in more ways than one.

Lucy C

It is affecting you and your family, and it will continue to affect you. The Dementia Behavioral Assessment Tool describes this stage as being the one where the health of the caregiver is at serious risk due to high stress.

No matter how much you love him, there comes a time for "tough love"—in this case, not in the sense of discipline, but in the sense of doing what is really best for all concerned. As the situation progresses, it will be impossible for you to work from home. He cannot remember that you are "working," and he will not be able to let you do so.

He will probably be angry at being placed, and he may express that by refusing to visit with you, speak to you, etc. Just understand that this is the disease acting out, and that if your dearly loved "best friend" had the full use of a healthy mind, he would be the first one to understand, and to want to spare you the burdens you are dealing with. He would never threaten you, treat you angrily, etc., because he has always loved you.

On the other hand, if you want to try one more effort: you may wish to hire an in-home caregiver temporarily, and do your own work in a locked room with some white noise running in the background. This may or may not work, but if you have serious reservations about placement, you can give it a chance and see if it will hold the situation a while longer. If he is unable to tolerate a caregiver, then he isn't really leaving you with any feasible options, short of placement.