post placement

Lee39

Over the past 7 years I've been caring for my DH I've benefited so much from the advice and knowledge of these discussions. We celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary this year and next week I will be placing him in memory care. I am devastated and and would really appreciate hearing from those who have been through it advice as to what to do or not do to help cope during the first weeks alone.

Dunno

Lee 39, I've been looking through old photos of our life together...it helps

Arrowhead

I cared for my wife 8 years before placing her 11 months ago. The key to adjusting, for me, has been to keep busy. Luckily, I have plenty to do, much of it was things I have neglected to do while caring for her. Also, I started reworking my life and environment to suit me, not us. I replaced our queen sized bed with a twin sized. I moved much of my clothes from the dresser and into the closet, which now has more space because her clothes are gone. As a result, I’ve gone from three dressers to one. Furniture has been rearranged in our bedroom. I never have liked the curtains in our bedroom or front room, so I replaced them with ones I do like. Instead of referring to things as “our,” such as our house, I refer to them as “my,” as in my house. One thing that took some getting used to was cooking for one instead of two. I’ve even bought utensils geared toward cooking smaller portions. With more time on my hands, I bought a new que stick for shooting pool. I’ve reestablished a garden after years without one. The point is, make adjustments to make your life easier and more enjoyable for you. You will survive, you are stronger than you realize.

SDianeL

talk to the facility about how long to wait to visit. They recommended 2 weeks. Ask them to send you pictures of him getting settled in. Stay busy. Make a list of the things you used to enjoy doing and start with one. Get some well deserved rest. If you are depressed, talk to a professional or ask your doctor for something to help. Remember you are still his caregiver just in a different role.

Joe C.

In believe placement is more difficult on the well spouse in most cases. I could not stand being home alone in the first couple of weeks post placement. My advice would be to try to have some plans with family or friends to get out of the house for lunch, dinner or just a visit. For me keeping busy and being around other people helped with the loneliness I was experiencing post placement. Good luck.

M1

Lee I am sorry you are facing this, I agree with Joe that it is likely harder on you than on him.

While I agree that it's good to have a plan, it doesn't have to be major things. You are going to want time to sit there and sob. I think to some degree you have to feel the loneliness and the grief to get past it. So if there's a way to have some specific things scheduled—a lunch out, a haircut, a shopping trip —also leave time just to sit and feel what you need to feel. It helped me to sit in my partner's bedroom (to this day, I still can't sleep in there).

I kept a journal so i had a place to write (still have it, but use it less often these days). I also kept a list of "today's tasks" so that I felt I was getting at least one thing done a day—might be as simple as taking a shower, chinging the litterbox, or picking up a prescription. But it kept me moving forward.

My partner has now been in MC for two and a half years. She is as acclimated as she'll ever be—doesn't know where she is, or why she is there, but she is more or less content. She sleeps a lot and spends most of her time in bed now. I pray for the end to be merciful.

Please let us know how it goes, every experience can help someone else with both the good and the bad.

GiGi1963

Lee, I have also been married 60 years to my dear husband who is now in memory care for five months. I lost my companion, friend and lover long before actual MC. Living together all those years, the loneliness is overwhelming. I agree with M1 you will need time to cry it out. I go to a support group every month and my children try to find fun things to do with them. All is good but there are hours on end you are alone. I am crying less and just now trying to find social activities on my own. My advice is grieve the loss and take the time you need. Seeing my husband content and with friends in MC has helped me know I helped him. Now it's time for me. Hugs and stay strong.

Dio

Ditto everything GiGi said. And I may be one of the rare cases in which I don't visit my DH. I had visited 2 months after placement but it was traumatizing to both of us. I haven't recovered ever since.

After successfully placing DH, I felt a huge sense of relief. That evening, I gathered my family together and dined with them at one of my favorite restaurant so that there was comfort and support. At this point, I did not feel any guilt, just gratitude, that my 24/7 caregiving nightmare was over. Then the aggression and combative behaviors came to the fore, and he sent a staff to the ER and on another incident 911 had to be called. It was a very traumatizing time. I was frozen with fear that DH might be evicted if we didn't find the right meds, fast. Long story short, he got the right combination of meds, and we survived this tribulation. Now that DH has made a 180 degree turn-around, and I'm wracked with much guilt that he's living the rest of his life in MCF, as there's no way I can care for him at home. I now have to start taking care of myself to get my health back in order. I am learning to live as a widow. My therapist also said that I haven't grieved properly. Honestly, I don't know how to grief properly. I hope you will find some peace in all of this madness.

Nowhere

Trust that you made the best decision for the two of you. You wouldn’t have taken these steps after sixty years unless necessary. Looking back at your posts, I saw that he’s facing more challenges than just dementia. You’re helping him by taking care of you. Plus, you’re very important in overseeing his care and remaining his wife. ❤️