Am I being written out of DH history?

Maru

DH is in ES stage ALZ, but most likely moving into MS. Married 65 years.

This week DH has told two stories from our joint history where he has written me out of the story for the most part. What he did was to take credit for things that I had done. I don't care so much about that as I am wondering if this is a "thing" that is to be expected as he progresses. He has been confabulating the stories, as well. I know that is to be expected. He is not forgetting family or friends yet. And, in our day to day living, i am still important to him. Where is that magic fairy that will tell me if he is forgetting me being with him for these past 65 years or is this an ego thing for him or what?

If it seems like I am on this site all the time it's because I am so needy right now. Who else can I talk to that understands (more or less) what i am going through? Yes, I am grieving.

M1

Maru, it's the disease. It is heartrending when your life partner forgets you, but it happens, it's happened to us. My partner still knows my face and knows she loves me (now late stage 6), but she has forgotten everything about our 30 years together. Brace yourself, it hurts.

Quilting brings calm

I think leaving you out of the stories is, by itself, more confabulation. He’s not remembering how things happened correctly.

That doesn’t mean he won’t forget you. Forgetting close loved ones seems to be a common symptom. Their brain is broken. The pathways to connecting who people are to them deteriorate. It’s the disease- not a choice. I think that’s the thing to hold onto. Forgetting you isn’t what he wants to do.

harshedbuzz

@Maru

My dad did this around the time he transitioned into the middle stages. At first his confabulations felt like a rewrite of family history; often he ascribed ghastly thing my sister or his had done to me. He once told my then middle school aged son that I left "my kids" in a bar to go off with some dude so that was fun.

He also became the protagonist of all stories he told as he progressed. He once claimed to have lost a home in a flood (it was me, not him) and even insisted he'd had knee replacement when it was mom who did.

FWIW, forgetting people and relationships is very common in later stages, but my dad knew mom and I right up until he died from aspiration pneumonia.

HB

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225257#Comment_225257

I don't know if I can bear it. it hurts already. How do you bear it?

sandwichone123

I think it feels very pointed when it's your roles he's taking as he makes himself the center of all the stories. It might be helpful to look for other instances where he's making himself the center of a story but taking the credit from others. You've been such a big part of his life that he still might be doing it more with your roles and actions but there are probably other stories where he takes other people's parts.

Rick4407

While trying to not get too academic, I will mention early development. As infants and children we start out totally ego oriented. We are hungry, hurt, bored or whatever that is our only thought. It is over the years as the brain develops that we start to be aware of others and their thoughts, feelings etc. As the brain is slowly going away it loses different parts (skills) at different times/rates. I would speculate that that portion of the brain that includes an awareness of others is where the disease is now for your DH. He is all about his own ego at this point. Rick

White Crane

Hi, Maru, I know this hurts and I'm sorry this is happening. In the earlier stages of my DH disease, he started talking about what he did and where he had gone. It really surprised me and hurt me because I had been right there with him when he did those things or went to those places. I got angry and would correct him although it did no good. I know now it was the disease that caused it. It still hurts, of course, but knowing it's the disease may help you understand and know he isn't doing it to hurt you.

M1

Maru, I bear it by just remembering that this isn't really her, and remembering how much I love her no matter what. We were very lucky to have a wonderful relationship. Now I must be there for her until the very end, and I will be. This is not how she would have chosen to go out—but very few of us get that choice. The fact that she doesn't remember our past doesn't mean it didn't happen; it did, and it was wonderful.

RayeMc

My DH tells me of events that happened years ago or of people he once knew, although we were married at the time and I was a part of those times. It still baffles me when he does this but he at least knows me in the here and now for which I am grateful. It is such a strange disease!!

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225270#Comment_225270

Words of wisdom. Thanks M1. This is still new to me and I am definitely grieving. For some strange reason, just the fact that others are going through this or have gone through this is comforting. Sorry for your pain as well.

I was cleaning up DH's computer this morning, getting rid of stuff that was slowing it down. I came across some notes I wrote in 2018 when he was showing a personality change and a lot of memory loss. He improved so I put that out of mind. I guess it should be no surprise that he is further along than I had thought.

cdgbdr

I'm so sorry and can relate to you. In August, my DH and I were traveling and I mentioned being married and he said "we're married?"

Why didn't anyone tell him? Its' confusing to him and to me. He now is clear that we are married and he really is ok with it. The part about when we met, our wedding and living together over 30 years is gone for him. Very strange and it took me a while to deal with how that feels.

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225287#Comment_225287

Thank God, we are not at that point yet, but I understand that may be coming sooner than I thought. I am sorry this happened to you and for all that is happening …the feelings that are too jumbled and painful to have any other word but grief.

Jgirl57

Mary, it is very hard for sure. My HWD/Alz always tells stories that are all confabulated and I am no where in the story . I use to try and gently remind him that I was with him but that confused him more . He has no idea of how where or when we met, places we’ve been and takes credit for every meal I prepare and every load of laundry i complete .i just go along with it because it does boost his spirit. ( which is better than when he was snarky all the time )

Jgirl57

( Maru) auto correct, sorry

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225315#Comment_225315

If DH told the kids about the meals he had fixed and the many loads of laundry he had done, I am afraid they would not be able to contain their laughter. The proper answer would be "none". Hope I can maintain a straight face if that happens. Somehow, your response made me laugh…not that you meant to, but thanks, all the same.

M1

In the same humorous vein: i recently bought my partner a new pair of green sweatpants (because another pair had disappeared in the MC laundry, sigh). When changing clothes I told her that i liked the color. She replied "thanks, my mother bought me these.". I just said " oh yeah?"

hiya

my DH forgot who I was a year ago, probably stage 4 then. Initially, I thought he was joking and say don’t you know my name…I’m (name), and he would say yes and laugh it off. It wasn’t too long before I realized he really didn’t know who I was. We have been married over 30 years and I am was the first person he forgot. It was a gut punch. Moving on to today, he knows he likes me and wants to ‘live wherever I live’, but I’m not sure exactly who he thinks I am, other than he likes and feels safe with me. It doesn’t make sense to him or myself…most nights he tells me I can sleep in any room and there are lots of towels if I want a shower. We sleep in the same bed but he doesn’t make any connection of why would I sleep there. I sometimes try to think of it like it’s a way to protect them, they can’t look after us so maybe it’s better for them if we are just friends. It’s really hard but as time goes on you begin to accept it, not like it but accept it. Day by day, we will get through this. Sending hugs.

SDianeL

It’s a heartbreaking and terrifying disease. So sorry. We know it hurts. My husband asked me a few months ago how we met. 🥲 we were married almost 39 years. He confused my daughter and me. He forgot his deceased daughter’s name and told the Neurologist that he only had one daughter. But there were also beautiful moments. One day visiting him in Memory Care I said “I love you honey” and he looked me straight in the eyes and said “I love you too Babe” - that was the last full sentence he said to me. So cherish the memories and moments. Hugs.