Advice on in home behaviors

ericarose08

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to explain to my Dad that he needs to throw his depends away when they are wet vs just leaving them on the floor? Any advice on how my Mom or I can explain this to him and him not get furious at my Mom like he has been any time she asks him something? For example, he has on a depend, underwear and 3 pair of shorts earlier and she said she wasn’t asking him why because he gets so irate and angry with her but when he wets his clothes he is causing her to have more work.

She is as patient as she can but she feels that some things he is capable of doing but does not because he is lazy. My dad is 63, his dementia is worsening but when I or others are in town he acts like a different person to us.

We know the next step is getting him into a long term facility but she has been trying so hard to take care of him but it’s mentally and physically taking a toll on her because every day is different with Dementia.

trottingalong

You basically can’t explain. His comprehension skills and memory are broken. You can tell him til you are blue in the face and he won’t remember and will get defensive and angry. Some have limited the clothing available to the person getting dressed, thereby eliminating the ability to put on 3 pairs of shorts. It is exhausting and overwhelming. I’ve learned to avoid saying anything critical or trying to explain something. I just pick up the item and take it to the laundry room.

harshedbuzz

The core losses of dementia are going to remedy this situation. What's you're seeing is a regression in toileting as an ADL, a loss of social filter (failure to honor the custom of managing elimination discretely), the loss of short-term memory needed to relearn a skill and remember to use it and even a loss of empathy (the ability to appreciate the impact of your behavior on others).

The usual approach is for mom to hands-on supervise is toileting and dressing.

Given your description of your mom two things strike me. The first is her ascribing this behavior to laziness— that may play into it in the form of apathy— but dementia has taken away the skill and she doesn't get it. Perhaps it would be useful for her to read "Understanding the Dementia Experience" or the longer "36-Hour Day". My mom and I found the former really helpful for getting into a more empathetic mindset with a man who could be pretty obnoxious.

The second thought is that your mom sounds like the burden of caregiving is extracting a toll on your mom's wellbeing. Incontinence care, especially for a non-cooperative PWD, is often the dealbreaker than results in placement earlier than one planned at the time of diagnosis. My own mom was an excellent caregiver to a challenging PWD who resisted my pleas to place longer than she should have. The stress impacted her own health in ways that are life changing and permanent— her life in stage 8 has been profoundly impacted as a result. She does not have the freedom and independence she hoped for and frankly, neither do I.

Short-term— assisting with toileting and dressing should improve the laundry situation. A 2-hour toileting schedule can help with this as can trying a better incontinence product. (Northshore and Parentgiving are 2 great sources) She should also check that he's actually changing his Depends and not pointing his penis in a way the allows the urine to miss the padding.

Your dad's behavior when he has visitors is called "showtiming". It's very common for a PWD to hold it together for shorter periods of time in terms of behavior and even skills and the revert to their worst again when it's just them and their primary caregiver. It can lead to unsolicited opinions and play with a caregiver's head.

HB

​fesk

I agree with others. You cannot explain the issues. When living with someone with dementia, you have to be the one to adapt. I'd use the recommendation above to limit clothing choices and she'll simply either have to accompany him and help at this point or pick up after him. She will need to learn not to let it bother her.

You mention your father getting furious, irate and angry. Please monitor these behaviors as they can escalate quickly. Also, some of the agitation may be the result trying to enforce behaviors he is not capable of. Once he is approached differently, you may see the behavior lessen. If it doesn't, please speak with his doctor.

JDancer

If the behaviors persist, his doctor may prescribe medication to help.

ericarose08

Thank each and every one of you for your responses with this. My suggestion to Mom last night was to limit the amount of clothes he has access to. This is such a tough battle that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s so hard. God bless you all!

LS12345

I wish I could help. Going through the exact same thing :( Just make sure they stay out of the washer b/c then it's an extra few loads of laundry to get rid of the gel substance.

Agree with the previous commenter about showtiming. It is a VERY real thing and incredibly frustrating for caregivers. I only discovered it from discussions groups like this.

Once piece of advice that has been somewhat helpful is that if your parent can still sometimes go to the bathroom on their own, to use colored toilet tabs (the ones that turn the water blue). I've found that the color is helpful in getting them to aim better.

Wish you the best.

SDianeL

you and your Mom both should read one of the books listed above. It will help you both understand his behaviors and tips on how to help them. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Maybe it’s time for memory care? Caring for someone with Dementia is a 24/7 exhausting job. Definitely speak with his doctor for medication to help his agitation. He could hurt your Mom.

NizhoniGrrl

My mom was driving me crazy doing things like this. Sometimes I arrived and they were all over the bathroom floor instead in the garbage can right there. Or under the sink. She also liked to throw her dirty clothes on the floor right next to the hamper and stopped doing her laundry. Then she was mad at me when I hired someone to do her laundry. These were all signs she needed more support and supervision because nothing I said made a difference. She just couldn’t follow through and logic was meaningless.

harshedbuzz

@ericarose08

Free online version—

Understanding the Dementia Experience (smashwords.com)

jfkoc

Make certain a waste paper basket is visable from the toilet…it might help.

Please share with your mother that my husband washed and dried his depends more that once. It was a mess!!1