Arguments that seem impossible to stop

faerae

Hi, alright I am new on this and taking care of my 72 year old mother. Are there any simple ways to get a person with dementia to stop arguing? Once my mother gets mad it seems impossible to get her to even attempt to think of something different. She likes to just make it seem like I have ruined her entire life and no matter what tone of voice I use or how I try to be patient the words I say will get twisted around so no matter what the disagreement leads to a fight. Please help. She is far to good at staying on a grudge for to long.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Tell her docs about this behavior, medication may help tamp down some of the aggression and agitation. Rule #1 of the dementia fight club is that you don't argue with someone whose reasoner is broken. You might look up video s of Naomi Feil, on validation techniques. Teepa Snow and Dr. Natalie (Careblazers) are other good sources. But medication will almost certainly help.

You have come to a good place for advice and support. Family caregivers are frequently the safe target for their frustration and anger.

H1235

Welcome! My mom has been very mad and argumentative. She is in AL. It’s hard, I can’t even imagine her living with me. I know not to argue with her but she sucks me in. Why do I have to be here? I just want an answer. It’s not right. I just want you to explain. I tell her the doctor said she should not live alone and she says that’s ridiculous and starts in again. It’s so difficult, because I want her to understand (but I know she cant). I have just said “mom we can talk about something else or I can leave”. Unfortunately she keeps up with the argument and I leave. I’m not sure if this is the best way to handle it or not. We are working on figuring out medication. It’s a slow process. Good luck.

SusanB-dil

Hi faerae - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason

M1 is correct - medications will dial down that aggression. Beware that sometimes it can take a while to adjust to the correct dosage, and it can take a week or two to start to see the effects of some meds.

Rule #1 - don't argue with a PWD. Rule #1 - MUST take care of yourself. Rule #2 - see rule #1, both of them!

tboard

Never argue with someone who has dementia. I learned this the first time I was a care giver for a LO with Alzheimer's. There isn't anyway to stop someone else from arguing if they have dementia or if they don't. We can only control our own response. It takes two to argue, and we can choose to not argue.

You can say "I am sorry you feel that way". "How can I help?" "Heard". Sometimes it is best to just acknowledge how a person feels. You can agree or try to redirect the persons attention. Using short sentences is best.

My DH used to wear me out arguing. Now I tell myself that it is the disease that is arguing and I don't need to argue with a disease.

mabelgirl

when my mother lived with me she got very nasty as well. As stated repeatedly you can’t argue with someone with dementia. Try to change the topic, divert their attention or simply walk away. It always helped me if I was gonna walk away to tell her that her behavior was unacceptable or something like that. I had no expectation that it would make a difference but it helped me maintain compassion by not holding in any anger or frustration. I also got meds as well but the behavior never stopped it just got less volatile. Prayers for patience.

MaryEllenDaughter

My father obsesses about things like the lawn mower and his fishing license, it is a constant battle. I have to call my brother sometimes just to have him run interference.

KellyW7612

Brand new here. I’m 59, taking care of my Mama (who’s been my best friend since I was 19). SO happy to have found this question with its answers! Our neurologist passed several years ago. We are trying to get a new one, but we live in a TINY town in the Oklahoma panhandle. It’s hard to find one, even in Amarillo, who will take someone 83 with dementia and Medicare. Oh, and did I mention my DAD now has dementia, too? His is mild; Mom’s is moderate, heading around the bend to severe. I’m praying to get in with a neurologist SOON!

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227095#Comment_227095

Currently reading "Did i "Remeber to Tell You?" by Pam Kovacs Johnson. From a fairly new caregivers point of view, this is probably the most helpful book that I have read. To stop arguments, she recommends just saying, "I'm sorry." It doesn't matter whether you did anything wrong or not, just apologize for whatever it is, even if you have to lie to do it. The person with dementia isn't thinking clearly; they can't.

Teepa Snow is great. I don't have time to watch all of the videos but there is one that really explains how to talk to the person with dementia and why they are not able to reason like a person with a "normal" brain.

Wishing you well. Wishing you patience.

Paulokc

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226481#Comment_226481

What medication do you think might help?

Paulokc

CharlieG2280

> @M1 said:
> Welcome to the forum. Tell her docs about this behavior, medication may help tamp down some of the aggression and agitation. Rule #1 of the dementia fight club is that you don't argue with someone whose reasoner is broken. You might look up video s of Naomi Feil, on validation techniques. Teepa Snow and Dr. Natalie (Careblazers) are other good sources. But medication will almost certainly help.
> You have come to a good place for advice and support. Family caregivers are frequently the safe target for their frustration and anger.


Do you know if a parent is at a kaiser facility how one would go through the appropriate channels to have this sort of discussion with? I know that Kaiser is not like family medical practices and patients are often seen by different doctors throughout. I am dealing with this and trying to figure out what I need to do. My father refuses to accept that he can't drive and on top of driving with failing eye sight, he is an alcoholic. I can't say anything to him because it creates the worst arguments where im degraded and I am feeling at an all time low..

reny

reading thru the comments - appreciate the suggestions and resources shared. I’ve said sorry but I’m not going to talk about this with you anymore. But still hear his side a few more times. I also have a hard time getting off the phone with him. Always one more thing. I have to say I’m going to hang up if you don’t tell me bye and I don’t want to hang up on you so pls let’s talk another time. I feel bad and set a time limit from the start but of course he can’t be reasonable.

mrsprincesslily

I think sometimes its a form of rumination but the executive functioning skills (the ability to understand the answer) isn't available at the moment, because its so stressful for them. I remind myself to attempt to validate concerns, reassuring without focusing on the negative...and remind myself to stay calm, not feeding into it. If all else fails I ignore - and deflect to another topic.