LO threatening to get kicked out of MC so he can live on his own.

elisa0314

My dad has been in MC for about 6-8 months. He was previously in two assisted living facilities, but got kicked out because he was wandering outside and getting lost (I got calls from police to pick him up). Since the last time this happened, he was moved into a brand new MC wing in the same facility. It's a nice place — lots of great light, art, activities — but he's convinced he doesn't have Alzheimers and thinks he's much better than everyone around him. He refuses to talk to them or make friends. And now he wants his own place. Recently, he's been calling his bank and trying to get all of his money withdrawn so he can "buy a car and get his own place." He definitely shouldn't be driving — sometimes he doesn't know whether its day or night, or how to get to his own room — and he's increasingly unable to care for himself: not showering, putting his clothes on backwards and inside out, playing with extension cords to "fix them" and thereby breaking them, unplugging his heart monitor, thinking my mom is still alive or is 5 different versions of her, the whole thing. My sister is financial POA, but even dad's bank told her that she can't prevent him from stopping payment on the facility so he's get kicked out (his latest threat). We are at our wit's end. Dad has always been arrogant and even narcissistic, not caring about his kids unless he wants something from them. But the constant and even abusive calls are wearing us down. Our two brothers have cut off from him entirely, and my sister's ready to do the same. I know we're told not to argue with them, to distract and delay or just agree. But he could be homeless if he keeps this up. I really don't know what to do. If I take him in, he'll wreck my marriage, he's that difficult.

Quilting brings calm

first … have your sister open a separate bank account as POA for benefit of ‘him’. He should not have access to it. Have her get online access to both accounts. once deposits come in, she should immediately transfer them to the account that he can’t get to. Have the MC rent taken out of that second account.

Second … Lose his phone. It needs repaired, updated, etc. ask the staff to limit his use of the facility phone

Third… stop using the words Alzheimer’s or dementia. Instead… he is there until the doctor of your choice releases him. He’s getting therapy or building his strength up, can’t move in the winter. whatever works.

Fourth… stop worrying about the heart monitor. Dementia is a one way path and it’s a horrible one. If the heart quits first, it quits first.

Fifth. Do not take him in. Without a phone, money in his account, or executive function capability, he’s not going to find an apartment, put deposits down or move furniture if no one helps him.

elisa0314

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/231071#Comment_231071

As long as that's a legal option, that's great. The other part is making sure he doesn't try to hurt someone. The facility doesn't want to prescribe anything for the agitation, they just want to increase his antidepressant (a fairly mild one). I don't want them to drug him into submission, but right now he's miserable, he's not sleeping, and he's acting out.

ronda b

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/231074#Comment_231074

Can he be seen by a geriphycologist to have meds changed?

housefinch

He may be heading for an admission to a Geripsych inpatient unit if MC facility won’t get someone with adequate training to see him and prescribe the right medication that works quickly enough. Definitely freeze his credit, take his phone, etc but he may escalate his anger in response and need to be admitted somewhere. And afterwards the current MC facility may not accept him back. I would be researching Geripsych units and Plan B MC facilities now. I’m sorry but better to be prepared.

elisa0314

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/231076#Comment_231076

We can barely get anyone to sign off on a urine test to see if he possibly has a UTI (last time, that was the cause of a big uptick in his anger/mania). We've been pushing for that for three days. We have also been pushing to have the unit's doctor change or add to his current medications, and that's not getting done either. I can barely get the MC director to respond to my e-mails. It's beyond frustrating, but we can't move him again (it would be the fourth move in a little over two years, because he keeps doing things that get him kicked out of facilities).

trottingalong

Quilting brings calm had the answers. And yes, if your sister is POA she can open another account and transfer his funds as they come in. Everything Quilting stated was right on. That should be number one priority AND taking his phone away. Use any means you can.

BPS

I have not had to deal with these issues, but I agree with the others advise. Even if you can't take his phone away you may be able to cancel the service. and making him not have access to his bank account will save you a lot. Go to the facility and talk to them face to face about what is needed to get different medication. explain to them the whole situation and talk about a plan to improve the situation.

MaryMN

You may need to have him declared legally incompetent. I am surprised the bank or memory care facility didn't suggest this as an option, but it removes his ability to stop payments or buy anything.

CampCarol

I agree with @BPS. Go to the facility and talk with them in-person. Sometimes you need to be the squeaky wheel to get the right things done for his care, especially if they’re not responsive enough. You can also buy UTI test kits from Amazon (someone on this site previously recommended the AZO brand). I know it’s hard, but they are responsible for your husband’s health and safety, hold them to it!

H1235

QBC has given you great advice. The DPOA does not limit his ability to do business, but you can. He is vulnerable and dependent on others. You and your sister have the ability to restrict his financial actions by simply not making it possible. My mom has nothing in her AL with the phone number to her bank, no access to account numbers, no passwords, etc. The only way she could make a transaction is if someone drives her to the bank. I have read here that very few people in MC even have a phone. I’d make the phone not work. It definitely sounds like he needs stronger meds. It’s kind of ironic that they won’t give him stronger meds, but then because of that he may get kicked out. I hope you can figure something out.

sandwichone123

Taking away the phone is very helpful. If you feel like he needs it for other reasons, remove all numbers from the contacts except the ones you want him to call. Block incoming calls from all other numbers. Delete any banking app, etc. Alternatively, remove the SIM card and turn off Wi-fi.